I’m shocked to see that it has been a while since I wrote something and I wonder why that is. Yes I must admit I have been distracted on a social network but I feel it could never replace my writing here on my blog. This is where I can be me, where I don’t have to hide things or have to be careful about what I say to certain people. This is my own place, my own spot, my own house. I’ve decorated it so many times and made it a place where I would feel welcome, feel protected, feel at home.

So why is it then that I’ve allowed my writing to come to a grinding halt? Aren’t there any more interesting things to write about? Am I tired of writing? Do I need a hiatus? No… not really… I can’t tell what it is to be honest. I do know that I miss writing and I was told that I should continue, especially now with all that is going on. It would be the perfect outlet for the whirlpool of emotions and events. Yes that’s right: there’s still the same old struggle although there have been some bright moments as well.

Perhaps I’m just bored trying to write uplifting stuff, perhaps I should write what is really going on deep down. I have had enough time to analyse myself over the last couple of months and I must say things have surfaced, things that I’m certainly not proud of. Things that I’m trying to change because I owe it to myself. Things that are slightly embarrassing still to admit to myself so I don’t name them. I call them ‘things’ instead. I’m just not ready yet to name them and let go of a certain shame.

I was told to continue writing so I would understand what is going on with me, peel the layers one by one. But trust me… I have known for years what is going on with me. It’s just that until now I have not felt the real urge to change my ways and start really loving myself. Because that’s what it all boils down to: I really need to learn how to love myself. Instead I try to fill the emptiness with little attention I get from others. Which is a tricky thing to do especially when some others are only out to gain for themselves.

I realised at some point that I fell into the same trap again but this time it didn’t take me years to acknowledge the fact. It felt like ages still but it only took me about a month. But wow: the realisation… it was a very cold shower, an ice-cold shower, a wake up call, a slap in the face. So what happened? Well… I started reading on a particular website and noticed that I was repeating the same old pattern again. It was painful to read especially when you notice your own denial still but your gut is telling you different.

So you see your mistakes and you know where it will lead you. That very moment you realise that you have a choice. This time I chose to change things because I owe it to myself, big time! I made a choice and I’m trying but most likely I’m going to fall flat on my face again. Trying to find the balance like a tightrope walker, to find myself, my independence but most of all my self-esteem by remembering each and every painful memory and writing it down so I can perhaps forgive, let go and move on.

I made the decision to no longer carry all that weight around… what’s the point anyway? I’m tired of old stuff, I’m getting rid of old stuff because it’s holding me back and it’s keeping me from living in this moment. Each and every aspect of my life seems to be related to another. So once I’ll start getting rid of the negative thoughts that I have about myself, the memories, the subconscious patterns etc. it will all effect another part, like a domino effect… And the first thing I’d like to change is to stop being a night-owl.

I would like to rest when my body is telling me to rest, instead of ignore it and work a bit longer. I would like to take more time to relax instead of feeling rushed and never finished. I would like to have breakfast instead of skipping it till lunchtime because I know for years that breakfast is good for me. I would like to spend less time faffing and more time on working on ideas that I’ve neglected for way too long now, the kind of stuff that makes me smile spontaneously. I would like to paint more often, it’s relaxing…

And these are just a few small steps that I need to take in order to respect and love myself. Doesn’t look hard right? Wrong… to me, these few steps are engrained over the years. But I know that I’ll have to start somewhere and this is where I’ll start along with facing my fears, writing down all the painful memories and relive them one by one. It’s going to be tough and I will have my tough moments but I will gain so much more in the end. It’s worth it, I’m worth it… I deserve the best.

You can only go halfway into the darkest forest; then you are coming out the other side.

~Confucius