Tag Archives: Compassion

Friendly Face

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I’m on my way to my mum to sort out the last few boxes that are still there. I’m on the train when I write this. The train is delayed but I don’t mind because it’s a beautiful sunny but windy autumn day and I’m enjoying my trip so far. Something got me thinking just now because something happened a few minutes ago and on other -previous- occasions when I was on the train as well. I’m not sure if I was rude or not but let me explain first so I can draw a conclusion after.

A person walks by through the aisle and puts a note on a seat near me, most of the time without saying anything. This person will then continue to walk in the same direction thus disappear for a while. He or she is in the next carriage to put these notes on all other available seats in view of those sitting nearby. This person wants people to read the note but I found myself ignoring it this time as I know very well what is written and I was busy doing other -more important- stuff.

Basically what it comes down to is that men as well as women beg for money using some kind of a sob story. I’ve experienced other versions as well where the guy -today it was a woman- would leave a package of tissues on the seat so it doesn’t come across as begging. Of course commuters have seen it before so most ignore it like I did today. The guards also mention it through the intercom when beggars are spotted by them or people on the train.

I once read the note just to see what it was about, I had a one euro coin ready to give to the tissue guy but I had to get off the train and he wasn’t back yet so he never got the euro. At the time I thought it was a one-time thing but a few weeks later I saw the same guy on a totally different train to a totally different destination. I then realised it probably was some scam. I’ve checked the website of the railway company and noticed their article about this situation.

They tell you to warn the guards on the train the moment you see these beggars but they can only really do something about it when the guards catch the person red-handed. They will be guarded by the police out of the nearest train station and get a fine. But these people are either illegal thus have no work or they’re part of a large criminal organisation that makes lots of money through this scam. Either way, they’ll probably laugh at the fine and take the next train elsewhere.

Today when the woman came by, I was busy doing stuff and ignored what was going on. The moment I noticed the note on the seat opposite of me I realised it was ‘one of them’ again and I continued doing what I was doing. When she came back to collect the note I ignored her til the very end but she then asked me something and I had to look up and look her in the eyes. She had a friendly face and was smiling, I shook my head for a split second and ignored her again.

Right after she’d left I felt guilty for some reason, I felt I had been rude to her and wondered why I felt that way. Probably because she seemed friendly and somehow genuine while at the same time my gut was telling me I did the right thing. I somehow can’t stand people who beg. There are also homeless people near the entrance of supermarkets selling magazines but at least they do something for a living and I don’t mind buying them food or giving them one euro.

They are also polite and friendly but I never feel like they’re trying to scam me somehow. I guess that’s the main difference and I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty about not giving a friendly smiling scammer one euro, after all no matter the friendly face, a scammer remains a scammer.

Set The Bar Knee-high

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I just realised while I was pouring myself another mug of coffee, that I’m extremely good at pretending. Pretending to be a tough cookie and ignore what is really going on. I’ve heard so many times over the last four months that I should learn to cut myself some slack. Things don’t have to be perfect or flawless. I should stop pressuring myself to make no mistakes and accept something for what it is: it’s good as it is…

Example: I shouldn’t have to read a cover letter five times before sending it: my mind tells me that I might have overlooked a typo. Or I could change that one sentence and use better grammar or change the tone into something less rigid and official. I do this because it is never good enough and I could always do better than this. I set myself up for failure each time I want to make these changes so it will be perfect…

It’s not just the case with writing letters, it’s something that effects a few aspects of my life as well and I really wish to stop doing this. It takes too much time, I will never ever be perfect and I set the bar way too high. It’s one of those things that need change and that is linked to other issues as well. It’s the domino effect I mentioned in my previous post and I feel that if I start with this I might solve many others along the way…

If one has been constantly criticized by someone who was supposed to give parental love, affection, support and confidence instead, then one will see those words as true. One will look for confirmation/approval and will start to believe that that is what real love is all about. Of course history is bound to repeat itself and one will look for relationships or friendships where the other person won’t be capable of loving either.

That’s when ‘perfection’ comes in because one believes that, only when things are perfect and when one tries harder to make it perfect/flawless, one will receive love/approval. The pitfall is that it will never be good enough, there will always be criticism or sneers… It won’t end there if one doesn’t acknowledge the pattern and change it… I’ve acknowledge the pattern but I’m still working on being less strict to myself.

I’ve realised that a person doesn’t change his/her ways especially when at a certain age, when he/she refuses to take responsibility and loves to dwell on the role of being a victim, when he/she is basically motivated by fear all the time. All I can do is change my own perception and try to have compassion when the criticism starts. So I am… I’m trying to stop being the perfectionist and set the bar knee-high instead.

It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop…