Tag Archives: Writer

Creative Sources

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I’ve been reading some old posts and wasn’t too happy about my writing. I guess these last two months have been too hectic as I can tell I’ve been rushing to finish writing certain posts, mostly whilst on the train commuting. I’ve promised myself to write every other week, but the thing about writing is that it won’t come to you if it doesn’t, just like any other creative process. I’m seriously lacking creativity lately because life seems to consume every bit of energy and time. I’ve decided to rewrite some of these posts as they do not reflect what I was trying to say, either because of bad English or rushing to get things done.

My creativity strongly depends on my mood: if I’m not happy I can’t create, I’d feel blocked and it’s no point trying. Especially with the design of jewellery, it can be hard to get started when I’m not in the right mood. Writing is a different story; I can still write when I’m pissed off, at times it even adds to the writing ;) But creating jewellery, paintings or anything else is simply not going to work. In the past I’ve tricked myself by looking forward to spending time creating jewellery over the weekend. Often it turned out utterly disappointing after I’d have a fight or discussion, instantly killing the creative process in my mind.

Something I’ve been looking forward to doing has died and when that happens I feel so frustrated. Time and energy are sparse when working and trying to juggle all the balls that life throws at you. What makes it worse, is that when I can trully dig into these creative sources it actually gives me lots and lots of energy, it’s totally relaxing and when I accomplish something it is extremely rewarding. Particularly the part when people see what I’ve made and comment on it. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a negative reaction or criticism. Everyone seems to love it which makes me a contented and proud designer.

So while I try to keep all those balls in the air, I find myself struggling with doing the things that are most rewarding. It seems a constant battle that I can’t win especially when I need to rush because I try to make use of a commute where I would normally doze off or think about what the day will bring or has brought me on my way home. Basically what it comes down to is focus which I’m lacking because there’s too much on my mind thus too many balls to keep in the air. A circle that needs to be broken somehow but ‘how’ seems to be the main issue here. Plus knowing myself: I want it all at once…

My planner has been neglected for the last four weeks perhaps I should start there because it tells me to write down everything I did have accomplished per week. It also wants me to write down all the good things that happened during the week and I’ve noticed that if I forget to fill out this planner or neglect the tasks that I’ve appointed to myself I either feel guilty for not having done this or I find myself not focussing on stuff that actually needs to be done in order to create spare time. Like writing this blog every other week ;) this post should’ve been finished last Thursday :roll:

Only because I have a bit more time -the second assignment has finished for now until this upcoming Thursday and/or Friday- I’ve decided to catch up on things so I’d feel better. Writing this makes me grin because I still have a half year evaluation to do. This planner is actually a good way of keeping track of accomplishments and how you deal with time planning in general. I believe I’m my worst enemy when it comes to that. I’ve noticed that whenever I set my mind to it I do get stuff done which leaves me enough time to also be creative, but there’s still not enough balance.

One page contains a doodle of mine that says: ‘there should be more!!! green (in this planner)’… I’ve bought five different fluorescent markers to mark all the tasks and things that I love or should do. Each subject has its own colour, green stands for ‘jewellery and crockery project’ and guess what, it hasn’t been green in ages ;) Orange stands for ‘work’ and guess what, there’s way too much orange showing :P Writing gives me clarity, I guess this post has given me enough insight for now, I actually need to get busy sorting that planner it seems… Guess an evalution may be at hand ;)

The Darkest Forest

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I’m shocked to see that it has been a while since I wrote something and I wonder why that is. Yes I must admit I have been distracted on a social network but I feel it could never replace my writing here on my blog. This is where I can be me, where I don’t have to hide things or have to be careful about what I say to certain people. This is my own place, my own spot, my own house. I’ve decorated it so many times and made it a place where I would feel welcome, feel protected, feel at home.

So why is it then that I’ve allowed my writing to come to a grinding halt? Aren’t there any more interesting things to write about? Am I tired of writing? Do I need a hiatus? No… not really… I can’t tell what it is to be honest. I do know that I miss writing and I was told that I should continue, especially now with all that is going on. It would be the perfect outlet for the whirlpool of emotions and events. Yes that’s right: there’s still the same old struggle although there have been some bright moments as well.

Perhaps I’m just bored trying to write uplifting stuff, perhaps I should write what is really going on deep down. I have had enough time to analyse myself over the last couple of months and I must say things have surfaced, things that I’m certainly not proud of. Things that I’m trying to change because I owe it to myself. Things that are slightly embarrassing still to admit to myself so I don’t name them. I call them ‘things’ instead. I’m just not ready yet to name them and let go of a certain shame.

I was told to continue writing so I would understand what is going on with me, peel the layers one by one. But trust me… I have known for years what is going on with me. It’s just that until now I have not felt the real urge to change my ways and start really loving myself. Because that’s what it all boils down to: I really need to learn how to love myself. Instead I try to fill the emptiness with little attention I get from others. Which is a tricky thing to do especially when some others are only out to gain for themselves.

I realised at some point that I fell into the same trap again but this time it didn’t take me years to acknowledge the fact. It felt like ages still but it only took me about a month. But wow: the realisation… it was a very cold shower, an ice-cold shower, a wake up call, a slap in the face. So what happened? Well… I started reading on a particular website and noticed that I was repeating the same old pattern again. It was painful to read especially when you notice your own denial still but your gut is telling you different.

So you see your mistakes and you know where it will lead you. That very moment you realise that you have a choice. This time I chose to change things because I owe it to myself, big time! I made a choice and I’m trying but most likely I’m going to fall flat on my face again. Trying to find the balance like a tightrope walker, to find myself, my independence but most of all my self-esteem by remembering each and every painful memory and writing it down so I can perhaps forgive, let go and move on.

I made the decision to no longer carry all that weight around… what’s the point anyway? I’m tired of old stuff, I’m getting rid of old stuff because it’s holding me back and it’s keeping me from living in this moment. Each and every aspect of my life seems to be related to another. So once I’ll start getting rid of the negative thoughts that I have about myself, the memories, the subconscious patterns etc. it will all effect another part, like a domino effect… And the first thing I’d like to change is to stop being a night-owl.

I would like to rest when my body is telling me to rest, instead of ignore it and work a bit longer. I would like to take more time to relax instead of feeling rushed and never finished. I would like to have breakfast instead of skipping it till lunchtime because I know for years that breakfast is good for me. I would like to spend less time faffing and more time on working on ideas that I’ve neglected for way too long now, the kind of stuff that makes me smile spontaneously. I would like to paint more often, it’s relaxing…

And these are just a few small steps that I need to take in order to respect and love myself. Doesn’t look hard right? Wrong… to me, these few steps are engrained over the years. But I know that I’ll have to start somewhere and this is where I’ll start along with facing my fears, writing down all the painful memories and relive them one by one. It’s going to be tough and I will have my tough moments but I will gain so much more in the end. It’s worth it, I’m worth it… I deserve the best.

You can only go halfway into the darkest forest; then you are coming out the other side.

~Confucius