Tag Archives: Trust

Let Go…

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I wish we could’ve remained friends but that’s impossible coz I can tell there is still hurt, it is shown to me in different ways. I guess I’ve been misunderstood when I decided to move on and let go. Some things happened that I will not be able to forget. If you need someone, you expect someone to be there for you. I’ve learnt over the years, to turn into survival mode when your expectations are not met.

I’d give up hope and I’ll stop putting myself in a position where I depend on someone to be empathetic, understanding and/or supportive. I will show the world that I can take care of things myself and not stray from the path I’ve chosen to take. But once there, there is no easy turning back. I will not be able to trust again that easily. I’ve learnt over the years to fight my own battles with or without help.

In this case (and many others)… without…

I wasn’t willing to listen, just tired of fights and having to answer to everyone around me whilst they only felt the need to judge. I was tired of them telling me what to say, what to wear, what to eat, how to behave, what to feel. Tired being told what was best for me and all the so-called ‘good’ advice. So I took a course and learnt how to set my boundaries and how not to be used as a doormat.

I learnt how to be good to myself and nurture the needs that I have. It is still the hardest thing for me to do but I’m slowly getting there. But once there’s personal growth there’s also a possibility that you’ll outgrow others. I had to say goodbye to some because it became clear to me why they were still in my life and it wasn’t for the right reasons. I had to let go of them, I owed it to myself.

I failed tho, to make this one person understand my reasons why I had to do what needed to be done. If someone is not willing to let go and tries to hold on to something that is no longer there, there is no other option left than to cut the ties. It’s not what I wanted but how I was forced to in a way. This person is still not dealing with the facts, I can see pain, anger, frustration or worse: sarcasm.

It hurts if you know that you can’t do anything about it because they’re not willing to accept the truth or listen to what you have to say. So if you know you’re the cause of this, it might be a good decision to create distance and not get involved at all. It doesn’t make things easier tho. It’s something that needed to be done, I’m not proud of it but I hope that one day, my decision will be understood…

New Light

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I’ve been updating the design of this website on and off, it’s a work in progress still and something that needs to be done in my spare time which is a luxury these days. I miss blogging and lately I have felt a strong urge to start writing again and pick up where I’ve left. There has been such a change in my life that I can’t even think of what to write first. Fact is though that it has and most in an extremely positive way. I’ve written about part of the changes in my previous post and how I felt I needed to redefine this blog.

So I have but it is going to show over time at a slow pace. Since I’ve started this blog as a personal diary about 10 years ago I have decided to unpublish some post that are no longer of any ‘use’ to me. They’re archived and I guess will be deleted at some point (or not). It’s still something I need to figure out, think about and make a decision. Some things I’d like to put behind me, some posts that I’ve written are fading memories that I’d either like to keep in my heart or like to forget. The latter is the reason for archiving or deleting: I am past that point and I have moved on, I’ve used it as a written waypoint at the time when I needed to stop, rethink and take action.

So ever since my last post, there has been personal turmoil on the side as well, pretty intense and undesirable but it’s the kind of stuff I do not wish to write about. It’s the kind of stuff that has been solved over time by giving it time to be solved if that makes sense. It might be best to let quiet take over and listen to what you’re being told by the Universe, I mean truly listen. And although my heart is still hurt at times, I’ve solved issues by being compassionate and learn to trust again which is the hardest part. Yes there has been damage but nothing that the strong-minded goat can’t cope with.

I’ve promised myself to focus ahead since I want to move away from deceitful scum and start with a clean slate. Ignoring the pathetic and childish stalker actions of the psychopathic cretin is one for instance. So here I am, slowly starting to write again and putting the past where it belongs: in the past. I feel like spring cleaning. Getting rid of the stuffy cretin -and other particles for that matter- that instantly make you cough or sneeze when lifted by sudden atmospheric velocity. It’s time to open the doors and let the light right in and sweep the dirt right out… :)