Slacker…

I’ve been away for a while, I guess life caugth up with me over the past eight months. Things have been utterly hectic and weird lately in all aspects. My assignment finished in January this year, I was told the second week of December last year just when I was about to take my well-earned two weeks off. Because the board member -responsible for the web team and redesign of the government website- stepped down and removed herself from this project it was cast adrift all of a sudden. Never in my entire career have I faced a situation like this. I was stunned by the unprofessional ways this organisation was dealing with their employees, the repetitive mistakes and the arrogant attitude that came with it. It was like walking through a maze, not sure what to expect around each corner.

And so my assignment ended the day before my birthday, what a coincedence… In the meantime I’d already had two intakes at two different clients. The latter wanted another interview planned as soon as my assignment had ended. Then after I also had to give a presentation including answering questions, and once that was done they would decide if they wanted to take me on for this project. Five minutes after I had held my presentation, -I was on my way back to Amsterdam and just gotten on the train when I received a call- I was told that I was hired for the project. I was surprised because I didn’t know what to expect after giving this presentation to about fifteen people. I guess I must have left a good impression with at least half of the group or else they wouldn’t have hired me ;)

Things went all way too fast as I didn’t have a moment to relax and adjust to the new situation. Last time I was in between projects I had a few months where I could relax a bit, finish work-related administration, backup files and documents, and get my Mac ready for the next assignment. This time, I only had five days of which three were over the weekend. So yes things have been pretty hectic since and I’ve been juggling work, ‘me-time’ and the demands of daily life in general. It’s one of the largest projects I’ve worked on so far as it involves three levels of government, municipal, provincial and the water boards (the oldest government authorities in the Netherlands). This makes it all very complex, but at the same time it’s a really cool experience and a great opportunity to gain knowledge!

Then at the beginning of this month our department moved further south, so my already long distance commute doubled in km and time. It’s ok for now, the project is worth the trip but I’m not sure if I can keep up with this for a couple of years. I’m already told that if they’re happy with my skills and input, I could easily have this assignment extended to up to three to five years at least (…). I’m trying to get approval to work from home one day per week which will give me an extra two hours in the morning to catch up on sleep and I could do some chores during the day. Yup, I have been a total blog slacker but it has been out of my control all these months. Whenever I started to write I couldn’t finish due to a serious lack of time. I will try and write at least once a month and I’ll catch up when I can ;)

It Doesn’t Sit Well…

I had some struggles with a friend the other day and it doesn’t sit well with me… Why? Coz it’s been the second time where I felt like: what on earth is going on? What are the real reasons for biting my head off over absolutely nothing. I don’t like to be criticized while I’m doing the best I can. I don’t like being given ‘advice’ when assumptions are made without asking questions first to get the facts straight.

I don’t like someone telling me what to do without checking with me first whether I’ve tried all options or not: it clearly shows a lack of trust in me to do what is right for me which is not necessarily right for you… I definitely don’t like someone implying that I should try harder either. Don’t tell me what to do or how to feel, just don’t. I’ve become allergic to people like that ever since my previous relationship.

But all of that isn’t what is not sitting well with me, it’s the fact that I’m used as an emotional punchbag… twice now (first time Aug 2008)… I can understand emotional pressure, and I can even understand some reasons for lashing out at someone. But all I did was being nice and I didn’t deserve to be treated like that even though there might have been valid reasons. I refuse to be anyone’s emotional punchbag.

I feel it’s not right to compare problems and imply that I have no reasons to complain and be negative -which I wasn’t, I was merely stating facts after doing extensive research for months- it’s called being realistic. Everyone has his/her own cross to bear and one isn’t ‘worse’ than the other, they’re just different. It’s no point projecting your problem on others and you definitely can’t tell others how to feel.

Yes I care and empathise but I don’t like being the punchbag, it just happened one time too many… So I’ll stay in my own quiet corner of the Universe for now. All I said that day was, that after trying the best I could for months, I now wanted to live in the present not the past. I took responsibility and focused on an important job application. And because I did over the last two months, it got me where I am today.

My strength was, that I continued to fight for my goals, being realistic at the same time. Knowing what I could achieve and what I couldn’t whilst dealing with bureaucracy, rules and regulations. I don’t see anything negative in that, it got me where I wanted to be and I will continue to do so. Perhaps one day the blinkers will disappear but till then I’ll keep a certain distance because I feel it’s the best thing to do for now.

I wish you strength my friend…

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” ~Arnold Schwarzenegger