Tag Archives: Constructive

Redefined Quest

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Gee, there is so much going on in my life that I have no idea where to start and what to write. Lately I’ve been thinking about the purpose of this blog which has changed several times over the last years. It should’ve since it’s been almost ten years when I wrote the first post. I have been reluctant to write though because I feel that ever since I moved back this blog has lost its purpose. This is not true. What happened is that I have changed focus over time and I’m in the midst of a self-improvement process forcing me to have a good look at all angles of my life, not just one.

So what I’m saying is, that the quest is still there, it just changed. I have changed, I still am changing. And I guess that in order for me to keep this journal updated I should redefine its purpose and start from there. I’ve noticed that I feel like reading lots of the same neuro-linguistic programming stuff, mostly ebooks about self-help and self-improvement. I have been listening to ebooks/mp3’s as well and not just once but over and over again. Each and every aspect is covered several times and I keep coming to the same conclusions. Stuff that I’ve already written about in older posts.

It’s good though but I think I’ll have to start rearranging these thoughts and ideas to create order because it seems utterly chaotic lately. Perhaps it will help clear my mind as well. Don’t get me wrong this is not about relaxation, this is about creating clarity for me so I can get rid of the clutter in my head thus avoid over-thinking of things. Thinking too much or worrying is a way of procrastinating and so I figured that if I’d use this journal to keep track of goals -thus give it a new purpose- I could benefit in more than one way. I would have a solid reason to keep writing updates.

I would be motivated to write plus it would be a great way to keep track of any progress, to analyse myself and learn from behaviour and/or mistakes. So what is keeping me? Well mostly the things I wrote about in my previous email. I am seriously taking into consideration the fact that what happened to my business blog/website could easily happen with this website as well. I’m still dealing with these dark subjects after almost two months, it’s under control but it doesn’t take away a serious problem. One I luckily managed to avoid so far on here but that is lurking around the corner.

Plus if I was to change the subject I would also like to move this website to the main url instead of hiding it in a subdirectory and keeping it visible only to a few people. I could move it to the root of my domain and install WordPress instead of the current CMS that I’m using which is an accident waiting to happen. So why am I reluctant to do so? First of all it is going to be a lot -and I mean A lot!- of work to set up a completely new website. It means I would have to redesign the look and feel and time is the only thing that I don’t have right now because I need to focus on more important stuff…

The positive side would be the fact that I could easily protect certain posts from being read, or keep the whole website protected from lurkers if I wanted to. That is a major plus! To be honest, I think I’m having a hard time letting go of this so familiar CMS that I have been using for such a long long time. Perhaps it’s time to move away and move on, perhaps I’m not ready to see or face this. What is best for me? To move on… It seems to be the topic of everything that is currently going on in my life, the need for change, the need for progress and the need for knowledge and improvement.

I am working on a lot of things at the moment and I know I would make it a lot easier for myself if I had a checklist (read posts) so I could keep an eye on progress and lessons that I’ve learned so far. It would still be a place to vent at times but also a place where I could keep track of how I reinvent myself, letting go of the past and things that I no longer need and focus on the ‘now’ instead of a future or a past. This is why I had to write this post today, it felt like the right time. Now all I’d like to do is make a decision whether to keep this CMS or move on to another option along with the consequences.

I’m in recess to think this over and make a decision…

(perhaps when you check back you will noticed a/the change ;) )

Note to oneself: if you focus on one thing at a time you get it done much easier and faster than you’d imagine. I have been postponing writing a post for a long time and I wrote this in less than 15 minutes because I was determined to get it done. Lesson learnt: don’t waste time making things look more difficult than they really are. You can easily do it when you set your mind to it! :)

Self-reflection

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I’m currently taking a five weeks course which is extremely interesting and involves a lot of self-reflection and psychology, just my cup of tea. And it seems it’s exactly what I needed to stay sane these days: I’ve been struggling lately to keep my chin up and see the bright side of life. I’ve had too many thoughts and worries, wondering what the hell went wrong, ‘where’ and ‘when’ and mostly ‘why’. Having extreme mood swings is not helping much either, feeling on top of things one day and utterly down the next.

I’m still struggling but I’m feeling a lot better since I’ve started this course. Just hearing all the stories from other people being in the same situation is comforting. And perhaps it sounds odd but it also made me realise that no matter what the current situation is like there are always others who have a much tougher struggle than I have. Which makes me realise that I should count my blessings really. I’m not saying this to compare situations and people because they’re all unique but it does make one think…

I can be a real tough cookie: not willing to admit that I might need others to help me, not being vulnerable and least of all asking others to support me or be there for me. So I tend to try to solve things myself and be the independent strong woman that I expect myself to be. In my experience when you need someone most, they are not there for you anyway and you can not rely on them. Most of the time help comes at the most unexpected moment from someone other than the people you expect it from.

So self-reflection is liberating and it teaches me that I can feel down when I feel down, that I don’t have to be strong all the time, that I’m definitely not alone in this and not the odd one out, that I shouldn’t have to be ashamed to be in this situation, that I should try my best to survive and do whatever possible to get back on track and that there are people/strangers out there who are willing to help if I let them. I received a huge compliment the other day, yes it was very hard to accept but it was so good to hear!

There were two groups and each had to write down a quality that they’d seen in each person of the other group: how someone has been perceived. After a while each group had to give a presentation and explain why a person was given a particular quality. My quality was ‘intelligent’… I was pleasantly surprised because I often don’t give myself any credits while deep down I know exactly what qualities I have. Somehow I just always need to hear a confirmation from others before I believe it to be true.

So since Monday I can finally start to see myself in a different light, one that is less tough and less demanding… I can allow myself to believe in me and accept myself for who I am and to trust myself to have the qualities to get through a difficult time and be successful. To look at the cause and effect but to see this as a fresh start with a million of options and opportunities to choose from instead of failure. Now please… let me hold on to this feeling… I can… I know I can!