Oh dear… it’s January already and I haven’t written a post in months… It’s not that I didn’t realise this because it has crossed my mind several times. It’s probably because I seem to be in the midst of this exploration into the depths of my spirit. It has taken far more time than I thought it would and I seem to find out more and more things about myself that I need to deal with or address. The whole process is far more intense than I’m willing to admit to myself and somehow really time-consuming as well.
I had another one of those life changing conversations last Sunday and I am still thinking about what was said and the impact it had on me. I’ve been crying, sitting at a table in a restaurant, a sudden outburst when I said out loud what I felt. It was like I could finally let go of some old grief and so I did, like I allowed myself to have this ‘weak’ moment. I was utterly surprised about this reaction, not the fact that I started crying but the fact that I allowed myself to be vulnerable in a public place of all places.
Somehow the other person’s words hit home and I couldn’t deny what was said, some was true. I was defending myself because I was being realistic while the other person thought I was making up excuses for not doing what I’d like to do. The ‘problem’ with me is that I tend to keep things in my head, I don’t tell others unless I’m certain about all of the facts. So when I do tell them stuff I’ll start with the end result and they don’t get to see the whole process that has been going on in my head from beginning to end.
I end up having to defend my reasons and explain each and every step that I’ve taken already over a certain period of time, while I was crystallizing my thoughts to see if my ideas could be brought to life. If I dismiss an idea it’s not because I am making up excuses not to bring it to life, it’s because I’ve had a proper look at it, done all the research and concluded in the end that it was not viable and so I moved on. Having to explain this to someone who is not actually truly listening is draining me from energy.
But this conversation was good, because I realised that I should indeed do something instead of spending too much time researching possible viability. So I’m back to notebooks and writing down other thoughts and ideas. In the meantime I’m working on the core me and it feels good. I’ve deleted some ‘friends’ from FB, people that have been lurking for months trying to satisfy their curiosity only. I have gotten rid of them and I can’t tell you how good it feels to finally listen to myself and set boundaries.
Oh I’m sure I will receive some emails about this but to be honest I can’t be bothered. There are a few more on the deletion list but I’m waiting till after my birthday to see if they really are a ‘friend’ *wink*… If some can’t be bothered to leave me a message while I’m wishing them a happy new year and delete my post on their wall than so be it. I really don’t mind if they untag the image but I do mind if they can’t be bothered to at least send me a note/email about it. I must admit it felt good to unfriend them.
A relief somehow… so if it feels like a relief to me than why on earth am I keeping up with the bullshit? I was tired of couples constantly commenting on each other’s profile whilst sitting in the same room: don’t you have a life outside FB??? I’ve stayed away from FB for a good reason, I haven’t been home much anyway, been traveling around a bit but staying away from FB felt good too. I’ve been spending more time on myself and making myself happy which is exactly what I should be doing in the first place.
2010 has been a year of lots of insights, 2011 will be a year of hard work: I would like to make changes… because I owe it to myself. Ever since I’ve decided this, I have gained more energy and creativity is coming back to me like a very energetic flow that is dying for expression. I’m on the right path and I won’t be distracted this time. Change is slow but it is there and working its magic, I just have to be patient and remind myself of this every so often, and keep faith that all is splendid. It is…
