Last Friday I had to travel South to be there for my mother. That morning I’d received an email that my aunt had passed away. We had a strong bond for years until I moved back from London. I became tired of having to listen to complaints all the time, tired of this negative attitude, tired of her being so pushy. She never called me although I called her and kept sending her cards and letters. I received one letter after months.

A letter telling me she’d had cancer and she didn’t want to be pitied so she wrote and send the letter after the fact. It was a letter with a tone in it, bitterness and disappointment. A letter that I was to read between the lines. She wrote she didn’t want visitors to come see her because of her cancer, the cancer did not define her so she did not want to be judged by it. Then a few lines later she asked me why I didn’t had come to visit her (…)

I was upset about this, she was blaming me in her letter and confronting me. She’d asked me: how come you can travel everywhere for work but you can’t come up North to see me. Weeks later I called her and told her she wasn’t being fair because she has known my reasons for not traveling by train for years, so why is it now used against me all of a sudden? I travel for work because I have to not because I choose to, big difference.

She’d sent mixed signals telling me she didn’t want people visit her because of her illness, she didn’t contact me for over nine months and never told me she was ill. On the other hand she blames me for not contacting her or go see her. When I made the call something was damaged. Whatever I said she made me feel guilty and when I hung up I felt horrible. I could not live up to her expectations and every explanation felt like an excuse.

Then later at my uncle’s funeral last year, she avoided me and was busy talking to everyone else. At the funeral reception, her husband sat next to me at some point and we had a nice conversation, he was sweet. When the reception was almost over she sat near me and asked me to visit her some day by myself.

Her attitude had started when I was living in London. I used to call her often, at least twice a week, it was nice to talk to her most of the time. But she wanted me out of there asap, of course I understood her motivations and reasons to keep repeating the same questions over and over again. She was worried and I guess she had every reason to be. But it’s not helping when you give advice with a negative undertone or wording.

It’s not helping repeating facts that are already wholeheartedly known. Or asking for accountability or justification when I have solid reasons for taking or not taking actions. I needed her to be there for me and support me, but most of all trust(!) me to be able to solve the mess I’d gotten myself into instead of questioning me. I got the cross-examination treatment where I had to answer to her about everything.

So when I heard the news last Friday, I had to go see my mum. The announcement stated that she was already cremated the previous week. I respect her wishes but somehow it feels to me like she didn’t want people to pay their last respects to her because she was disappointed in them. My uncle’s funeral last year felt like her personal goodbye to him, emphasising only her relationship with him and no one else’s.

It felt wrong… So ever since I have mixed feelings. I’ve not been able to shed a tear because I’ve not found a way to understand this situation. I guess I never will though. At least I could be there for my mum when she needed me and that means a lot to me, realising how things have been between her and me in the past.

I guess that’s all that matters really.