Tag Archives: Confirmation

The Investigator

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At times I find myself lost on the digital high way going from one place to another seamlessly for hours in a row. I’ve written in my planner that I should stop doing this because what it comes down to is that I get caught up in lots of different searches thus basically ending up wasting my time. Back in the days when I did an attempt to study (seems ages ago) the professor warned the group about this. You were only allowed to search for half an hour at the most which isn’t that much even for a ‘pro’ like myself ;) Those 30 minutes are gone in a blink.

Most of the time I’m not even searching, I’d like to call it ‘investigating’ because I’ll become curious about stuff from the past and I’ll end up looking for certain people who were once part of my life. It’s a trap and I really should stop doing this because it is pointless. What’s the use of trying to find out what happened to these people? I mean they are no longer part of my life for a very good reason so why the curiosity? I have no clue what it is that drives me to do this as it isn’t even rewarding and right after I feel guilty for wasting my precious time doing this.

The other day I ended up doing this on Farcebook when I noticed a person on another person’s list of friends and from there it went downhill. I used to work in the advertising business for quite a while, most of the people I know from that period are connections on LinkedIn but not on FB. I wouldn’t want them to be connected on FB, only those who are still friends from that period are part of my FB. But it seems to be common in this country to have everyone listed on FB inlcuding your (ex) colleagues and they all pretend to be so close-knit as well.

Am I an exception? It seems that way… Anyway, I ended up looking at a profile of this attention seeker from the advertising period. She was the kind who would go only after married men or men that were spoken for. So years later whilst looking at her profile I could only come to the same conclusion: nothing had changed. She was still the same pathetic person, a very lonely attention seeking person. Sad… No one seem to be responding to her posts from the hundreds of people only three or four left a reaction each time she posted something ‘interesting’.

In this particular case I didn’t feel guilty, I felt like my gut had been right all along. I hold no grudge against her for trying it on with my partner back then, he was on to her from the start and ignored her sad advances towards him. She went from an extremely well earning production manager to a teacher at the graphic art school. The exact same school which I attended when I moved to Amsterdam to study, ages ago. So reading this made me grin actually and far from feeling guilty. That was one case, although there were a few more that made me laugh.

But overall it still feels like I’m wasting my time on investigating don’t-need-to-know-facts… And it makes me wonder why I fall in the same monkey trap over and over again. Is it a way to procrastinate from what I really should be doing? Is it curiosity? Do I need confirmation? I have yet to find the answer but I’m sure it has to do with ‘letting go’. Perhaps I’m letting go of past hurt by visiting the ones who caused it, realising they are no longer on that pedestal where I’d left them in my mind back then. They aren’t as fantastic as they want(ed) everyone to believe.

Secretly and secretively I’m smirking and I feel good about decisions I’ve made in the past and how it all turned out, how some really seem to have gotten what they’ve deserved by their actions. I’m glad I’m not part of the huge FB family they like to pretend to have. They were colleagues, I don’t feel the need to share my inner thoughts with any of them except the ones that have become close friends. They were pretending back then, keeping up appearances, so what would be different these days? Nothing, nothing has changed as far as I can see.

Perhaps I’m just getting older and I start to see things for what they really are/were. I have a lifetime of experience, a sixth sense and an extremely good gut telling me often what I should make of things. I guess I need to investigate every now and then to chuckle intensely for a few, let go of these ghosts and move on again. I don’t feel any competition anymore nor the need to prove myself to anyone like I felt I had to back then. It is what it is and it’s good. So perhaps investigating is merely about getting a confirmation of what I’ve known all along.

Set The Bar Knee-high

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I just realised while I was pouring myself another mug of coffee, that I’m extremely good at pretending. Pretending to be a tough cookie and ignore what is really going on. I’ve heard so many times over the last four months that I should learn to cut myself some slack. Things don’t have to be perfect or flawless. I should stop pressuring myself to make no mistakes and accept something for what it is: it’s good as it is…

Example: I shouldn’t have to read a cover letter five times before sending it: my mind tells me that I might have overlooked a typo. Or I could change that one sentence and use better grammar or change the tone into something less rigid and official. I do this because it is never good enough and I could always do better than this. I set myself up for failure each time I want to make these changes so it will be perfect…

It’s not just the case with writing letters, it’s something that effects a few aspects of my life as well and I really wish to stop doing this. It takes too much time, I will never ever be perfect and I set the bar way too high. It’s one of those things that need change and that is linked to other issues as well. It’s the domino effect I mentioned in my previous post and I feel that if I start with this I might solve many others along the way…

If one has been constantly criticized by someone who was supposed to give parental love, affection, support and confidence instead, then one will see those words as true. One will look for confirmation/approval and will start to believe that that is what real love is all about. Of course history is bound to repeat itself and one will look for relationships or friendships where the other person won’t be capable of loving either.

That’s when ‘perfection’ comes in because one believes that, only when things are perfect and when one tries harder to make it perfect/flawless, one will receive love/approval. The pitfall is that it will never be good enough, there will always be criticism or sneers… It won’t end there if one doesn’t acknowledge the pattern and change it… I’ve acknowledge the pattern but I’m still working on being less strict to myself.

I’ve realised that a person doesn’t change his/her ways especially when at a certain age, when he/she refuses to take responsibility and loves to dwell on the role of being a victim, when he/she is basically motivated by fear all the time. All I can do is change my own perception and try to have compassion when the criticism starts. So I am… I’m trying to stop being the perfectionist and set the bar knee-high instead.

It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop…