Tag Archives: Company

The Investigator

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At times I find myself lost on the digital high way going from one place to another seamlessly for hours in a row. I’ve written in my planner that I should stop doing this because what it comes down to is that I get caught up in lots of different searches thus basically ending up wasting my time. Back in the days when I did an attempt to study (seems ages ago) the professor warned the group about this. You were only allowed to search for half an hour at the most which isn’t that much even for a ‘pro’ like myself ;) Those 30 minutes are gone in a blink.

Most of the time I’m not even searching, I’d like to call it ‘investigating’ because I’ll become curious about stuff from the past and I’ll end up looking for certain people who were once part of my life. It’s a trap and I really should stop doing this because it is pointless. What’s the use of trying to find out what happened to these people? I mean they are no longer part of my life for a very good reason so why the curiosity? I have no clue what it is that drives me to do this as it isn’t even rewarding and right after I feel guilty for wasting my precious time doing this.

The other day I ended up doing this on Farcebook when I noticed a person on another person’s list of friends and from there it went downhill. I used to work in the advertising business for quite a while, most of the people I know from that period are connections on LinkedIn but not on FB. I wouldn’t want them to be connected on FB, only those who are still friends from that period are part of my FB. But it seems to be common in this country to have everyone listed on FB inlcuding your (ex) colleagues and they all pretend to be so close-knit as well.

Am I an exception? It seems that way… Anyway, I ended up looking at a profile of this attention seeker from the advertising period. She was the kind who would go only after married men or men that were spoken for. So years later whilst looking at her profile I could only come to the same conclusion: nothing had changed. She was still the same pathetic person, a very lonely attention seeking person. Sad… No one seem to be responding to her posts from the hundreds of people only three or four left a reaction each time she posted something ‘interesting’.

In this particular case I didn’t feel guilty, I felt like my gut had been right all along. I hold no grudge against her for trying it on with my partner back then, he was on to her from the start and ignored her sad advances towards him. She went from an extremely well earning production manager to a teacher at the graphic art school. The exact same school which I attended when I moved to Amsterdam to study, ages ago. So reading this made me grin actually and far from feeling guilty. That was one case, although there were a few more that made me laugh.

But overall it still feels like I’m wasting my time on investigating don’t-need-to-know-facts… And it makes me wonder why I fall in the same monkey trap over and over again. Is it a way to procrastinate from what I really should be doing? Is it curiosity? Do I need confirmation? I have yet to find the answer but I’m sure it has to do with ‘letting go’. Perhaps I’m letting go of past hurt by visiting the ones who caused it, realising they are no longer on that pedestal where I’d left them in my mind back then. They aren’t as fantastic as they want(ed) everyone to believe.

Secretly and secretively I’m smirking and I feel good about decisions I’ve made in the past and how it all turned out, how some really seem to have gotten what they’ve deserved by their actions. I’m glad I’m not part of the huge FB family they like to pretend to have. They were colleagues, I don’t feel the need to share my inner thoughts with any of them except the ones that have become close friends. They were pretending back then, keeping up appearances, so what would be different these days? Nothing, nothing has changed as far as I can see.

Perhaps I’m just getting older and I start to see things for what they really are/were. I have a lifetime of experience, a sixth sense and an extremely good gut telling me often what I should make of things. I guess I need to investigate every now and then to chuckle intensely for a few, let go of these ghosts and move on again. I don’t feel any competition anymore nor the need to prove myself to anyone like I felt I had to back then. It is what it is and it’s good. So perhaps investigating is merely about getting a confirmation of what I’ve known all along.

A Matter of Sorting…

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I’ve been sorting out this blog on and off for some time now. Ever since I’ve moved it from Movable Type to WordPress it became a bit of a mess. Movable Type had no easy option to convert the format to that of WordPress so I had to clean out all sorts of code. Still doing this whenever I have a moment. Having written a blog for 10+ years is a lot to digest and not just in this particular perspective.

Whenever I’m cleaning out code I end up reading old posts, some I have hidden, some I wanted to delete (although I haven’t) because they’re no longer accurate. They’re still a part of me and they do show how I felt at the time. Some made me extremely emotional the moment I realised what I’d been through and what I’ve had to deal with over the years. Others made me realise that I did what needed to be done…

And I’m proud of myself for doing so. I guess at times I tend to forget what happened since it’s much easier to think about the happy stuff. It also made me realise that some of my ‘best friends’ are no longer my best friends. I took my distance because they were judging me or judging the situation I was in instead of giving me the support and most of all the trust that I could handle things myself without all the well intended ‘good advice’.

I knew I could do it, I knew I could climb out of the hole and get things back in order. I knew I could focus as long as I could believe in my strength to do so. And I did… Life is hectic and I have little time but I miss writing a lot since it’s a way to clear my head and put things in perspective, hence this post. I’ve promised myself to write more often although I realise that I’ve mentioned the same in my last post, this time I need to do this: for me.

I guess I’ve been a tad disappointed with certain people and the way they treated me. I guess I expected them to believe in me since I had it all planned in my head. They did not show their support though, all they did was either criticize me or simply deny everything that was going on. I was tired of having to answer to them so I stopped doing this. The only one I had to answer to was me as I am responsible for my own actions.

It’s a shame that there has to be jealousy instead, it’s a shame that they envy my strength, it’s a shame that they cannot be happy for me and that there seems to be the tendency to ignore everything I have accomplished over the last three years. I do not understand their behaviour but I’ve promised myself not to worry about it, or even think about it because it is taking energy that I’d better use on positive things.

I’m happy and that’s all that matters. Of course there are certain issues that could use change but it will come in time and I’m not rushing to make these changes. Most of it is career-wise. I’m grateful that I have a job, although I work 12 hours a day at the moment having to travel back and forth. It’s a project that is fun and the contract has been extended twice already so I don’t mind.

The team that I work with are a bunch of funny geeks who appreciate what I’m doing which makes it all worth the trouble of having to commute daily. What was supposed to be a two months project already turned into a five months project and it wouldn’t surprise me if that would be extended by another two months. There’s still lots of work to do but I’m enjoying all of it. My designs, expertise and skills are highly valued which is greatly rewarding.

I’m sorting… in more than one perspective and I feel happy doing so :)