Tag Archives: Reflection

The Dream

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“…The mate for the wildish woman is the one who has a soulful tenacity and endurance, one who can send his own instinctual nature to peek under the tent of a woman’s sould-life and comprehend what he sees and hears there. The good match is the man who keeps returning to try to understand, who does not let himself be deterred by the sideshows on the road…”

~ “Women Who Run With the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I dreamt about ‘my Manawee’ last night… and I wonder… I don’t wonder why because I know the reason why, I simply wonder if it’s possible to love a person for a long period of time without actually realising it until you’re reminded of this person. I don’t wonder because I’ve been aware he has often been on my mind on and off ever since. Pain has the tendency to diminish over time even when you were hurting. At times that’s a good thing, occasionally it could become something unrealistic if you lose sight and fail to take into account why you were hurt to begin with.

I had to let go which was the toughest thing I ever had to do. I had to let go because I couldn’t carry the weight of two lives gone wrong. I had to fix mine first. Last night I was looking for something on my NAS and was wondering where I kept movies and tunes he’d sent me over time. I’m pretty sure I have them still as I’d never throw out any of the things he’d sent me. I just realized they weren’t on the NAS as I bought it about two years ago.

But there were some other things I had a look at: pictures. The first one that I opened was him. My heart skipped a beat as I hadn’t seen that face in a long long time. I was overwhelmed with feelings. It came as a surprise, but then again it didn’t. It was just a confirmation of something that I’ve known all along. And realizing this brings back lots and lots of emotions, longings and feelings. So… there it is! The kind of stuff that dreams are made off.

But I haven’t got a clue what I’m supposed to do about/with it… Although the dream(s) were real and the way I felt when I woke up was pretty real too…

Two Birds One Stone

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I need to vent and I need to write a new post… I’m having one of those days where you feel like you haven’t done anything all day, didn’t accomplish anything and basically ended up doing everything you’d never planned for. I’ve been on the phone on and off with the hospital, with work, with the IT helpdesk, with the doctor’s assistant. I’ve been trying to solve an issue for two days in a row now and I’m becoming more and more impatient the longer it takes to solve the problem.

I’ve spent most of last week on filling in and sending out expenses claims for public transport and a dinner voucher which I’d received a couple of months ago. It takes at least half a day to sort this out as I have to do this separately for bus and train. It’s extremely time-consuming, not just sorting them but also having to fill in the forms. On top of that I had to take a compliancy test which took forever because I had to watch lots of informational movies and answer about 20+ questions.

I succeeded in the end but it took time… *again*. All of this had to be done before the 15th of this month. I realise it’s still early but I was already taking other things into consideration and in hindsight I’m glad I did. There’s also this evaluation that I need to write, a report about objectives and how and/or if you’ve achieved those. This is done through a web application that you had to fill out at the beginning of this year, back then you needed to set your goals for this year.

At the time I could easily access that tool but ever since I’ve tried to log in again I’m getting errors. Yesterday I had planned for writing this evaluation because I had finished all the chores and tasks that were on my to-do-list ahead of time in case something would go wrong. I didn’t want to find myself having to rush or being all stressed out for not planning this in time. I did… but of course, Murphy -once again- is sitting right next to me keeping me company for the last two days.

As I can’t access that tool, I can’t write the report, so the deadline of the 15th is getting closer each day. You might think ‘why doesn’t she call a helpdesk’… well I did. Our helpdesk is based on foreign grounds and most of the time incompetent, they put your ticket in the system, promise to call you back but never do. Let alone the moment they hear you mention the words ‘Apple Mac’, they instantly refuse help as they are not hired to give support for anything other than company laptops.

I’m a designer, I need my Mac as the company laptops don’t suffice, so I bought my own MacBook Air a while ago particularly for work. I got VPN access, I can access and use the mailserver through my mail client. But I don’t get support because I’m not mainstream thus an exception to the company rules. So far I’ve always managed to solve any (network related) problem even the VPN settings which were a pain to obtain and sort out. It took a while but I got the job done.

Each new policy becomes another drain as I have to deal with a multitude of intranet websites, logins and tools to work with. Ever since the company merged their systems with the global systems, it has been total chaos. I’ve managed to find workarounds or solved issues, just not today… nor yesterday. I’m anxiously waiting for thé phone call whilst day two is slowly ticking away. Pretty sure the problem will be solved next week, one day before the deadline, wanna bet?

Meantime I’m wondering, why am I getting so impatient… At least I’ve finished another post which was scheduled last week ;)