Tag Archives: Relaxing

Quality Time

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Life was bliss for three weeks. No rushing, no nagging, no disturbance, just peace and quiet and dealing with an extremely hot summer. It was the best three weeks off I’ve had in a while because I didn’t have to share my time with anyone else. It was just me and it felt awesome. I took the goldsmith course which was an amazing experience as well. Especially when the person teaching -a professional goldsmith- tells you that you have the skill set, patience, creativity and the exceptional natural ability to do this kind of work. I was flattered because she was not the kind of person to give compliments. I’m sure she must have noticed my passion for designing and making jewellery.

The friend who passed away about a month ago, used to be a goldsmith as well. Her ex-partner gave all her tools to me when he heard I was going to take this course. I didn’t use them yet as they were in a small flight case and I had to go through all her stuff first and clean it. It took me three days to sort it, clean it and give it some extra TLC. I had to sand down the inside of the flight case as there was glue stuck allover. After sanding it down I painted it white and cleaned all the aluminium edging and corners on the outside. It looks so much better now, it’s ready to be used. All I need to add over time, is a proper desk, gas torch and tank, hoses, saw, hammer and ring mandrel.

I’ve bought a Garmin vivosport activity tracking device a while ago and have been keeping an eye on stress levels since. They were extremely high, especially in May and June this year and although I didn’t feel stressed most of the time, it was telling me that I really had to slow down and try to reduce this. These past three weeks levels had dropped significantly which was a real eye-opener. I’ve started working again so I’m curious to see what will happen this month. The fact that temperatures were extremely high and I was forced to take things slow must have contributed to lower stress levels as well. I’ve been craving for some serious long spells of rain and thunderstorms for weeks now!

I’ve met up with friends for dinner and really enjoyed their company as I hadn’t been able to see most of them for at least six months, some for over a year. We had lots of stories to share! I’ve updated my jewellery business website and added more pictures in the portfolio section. And I’ve been playing with electroforming but that didn’t go well, I was expecting better results. I’ll have to look into things and see what is causing issues. I think I might have contaminated the bath as I was experimenting with fabric on gemstones. Because of the heat my conductive paint dried waaaaay too fast and I’m guessing it didn’t seal parts completely, also the liquid rubber I’ve used was a new technique.

I’ll try to fix it this weekend. Going back to work was kind of hard because it was 32C at the start of this week and 29C in my office space, too hot to focus on things that need to be done. Today I’m working from home and have some extra time to get chores done and write a blog in between. Still there’s too much on my plate, I can’t seem to focus because of the weather and not sleeping very well. Summer is great but these temperatures are driving me nuts. Last week the government announced an official drought and shortage of water, because of this trees and plants are dying, use of tap water is still fine and not restricted (yet). Thunderstorms and rain is expected tomorrow, we’ll see…

First things first, let’s get some work done ;)

The Darkest Forest

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I’m shocked to see that it has been a while since I wrote something and I wonder why that is. Yes I must admit I have been distracted on a social network but I feel it could never replace my writing here on my blog. This is where I can be me, where I don’t have to hide things or have to be careful about what I say to certain people. This is my own place, my own spot, my own house. I’ve decorated it so many times and made it a place where I would feel welcome, feel protected, feel at home.

So why is it then that I’ve allowed my writing to come to a grinding halt? Aren’t there any more interesting things to write about? Am I tired of writing? Do I need a hiatus? No… not really… I can’t tell what it is to be honest. I do know that I miss writing and I was told that I should continue, especially now with all that is going on. It would be the perfect outlet for the whirlpool of emotions and events. Yes that’s right: there’s still the same old struggle although there have been some bright moments as well.

Perhaps I’m just bored trying to write uplifting stuff, perhaps I should write what is really going on deep down. I have had enough time to analyse myself over the last couple of months and I must say things have surfaced, things that I’m certainly not proud of. Things that I’m trying to change because I owe it to myself. Things that are slightly embarrassing still to admit to myself so I don’t name them. I call them ‘things’ instead. I’m just not ready yet to name them and let go of a certain shame.

I was told to continue writing so I would understand what is going on with me, peel the layers one by one. But trust me… I have known for years what is going on with me. It’s just that until now I have not felt the real urge to change my ways and start really loving myself. Because that’s what it all boils down to: I really need to learn how to love myself. Instead I try to fill the emptiness with little attention I get from others. Which is a tricky thing to do especially when some others are only out to gain for themselves.

I realised at some point that I fell into the same trap again but this time it didn’t take me years to acknowledge the fact. It felt like ages still but it only took me about a month. But wow: the realisation… it was a very cold shower, an ice-cold shower, a wake up call, a slap in the face. So what happened? Well… I started reading on a particular website and noticed that I was repeating the same old pattern again. It was painful to read especially when you notice your own denial still but your gut is telling you different.

So you see your mistakes and you know where it will lead you. That very moment you realise that you have a choice. This time I chose to change things because I owe it to myself, big time! I made a choice and I’m trying but most likely I’m going to fall flat on my face again. Trying to find the balance like a tightrope walker, to find myself, my independence but most of all my self-esteem by remembering each and every painful memory and writing it down so I can perhaps forgive, let go and move on.

I made the decision to no longer carry all that weight around… what’s the point anyway? I’m tired of old stuff, I’m getting rid of old stuff because it’s holding me back and it’s keeping me from living in this moment. Each and every aspect of my life seems to be related to another. So once I’ll start getting rid of the negative thoughts that I have about myself, the memories, the subconscious patterns etc. it will all effect another part, like a domino effect… And the first thing I’d like to change is to stop being a night-owl.

I would like to rest when my body is telling me to rest, instead of ignore it and work a bit longer. I would like to take more time to relax instead of feeling rushed and never finished. I would like to have breakfast instead of skipping it till lunchtime because I know for years that breakfast is good for me. I would like to spend less time faffing and more time on working on ideas that I’ve neglected for way too long now, the kind of stuff that makes me smile spontaneously. I would like to paint more often, it’s relaxing…

And these are just a few small steps that I need to take in order to respect and love myself. Doesn’t look hard right? Wrong… to me, these few steps are engrained over the years. But I know that I’ll have to start somewhere and this is where I’ll start along with facing my fears, writing down all the painful memories and relive them one by one. It’s going to be tough and I will have my tough moments but I will gain so much more in the end. It’s worth it, I’m worth it… I deserve the best.

You can only go halfway into the darkest forest; then you are coming out the other side.

~Confucius