Tag Archives: Doubt

Goodbye Fear

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I never thought things would affect me this much… I had a brilliant weekend, I had the best company I could wish for, I had fun, I was happy, I was laughing lots, there was good food and drinks and the weather couldn’t be more perfect. And last but not least: there were shared confessions, sweet words that I was surprised to hear so I must have been blind and utterly deaf for quite some time I guess… *not anymore!*

And then out of the blue things slowly start to come back and creep up on me. Why oh why do I feel the way I do, why are the effects of the past trying to catch up with me once again. I’ve heard it a few times, my friend MD told me recently, over the weekend to be exact. He said I should stop thinking/reasoning about my feelings till they’ve completely diminished and dare to feel instead. I can’t help but doing it again.

It’s fear… and I don’t have a clue why… Well I do actually. It’s fear of not being good enough and fear of being rejected. And I realise I need to work on this before things get all screwed up again. And I need to be patient, I would like to be patient… and should stop being the perfectionist. So what I’ll do is, I’ll write down what is bothering me on a piece of paper and I will burn it and bury the ashes deep deep down in the soil…

I feel vulnerable but I should know that things are good the way they are, instead of doubting all that I could ever doubt, about anything. Perhaps I see this vulnerability as some kind of weakness and since I need to be all perfect I can’t accept weakness, I need to be strong in order to survive. So the reasoning starts again because it’s so much easier to reason and make up your own logic than having to face the feelings.

I deserve something good… than why am I having such a hard time to accept things the way they are? *Looking for pen and paper*

The T-Junction…

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I have an interview tomorrow and I have no clue what to wear… I have been repeating and answering possible questions over and over again in my head but as usual I’ve stopped doing this because it is no point to try to control or prepare this in advance. I’m not nervous at all, because I always feel that if things are meant to be it’s meant to be. If this job (including three years of education) is meant for me than it’s meant for me and it will happen.

I’ve received a phone call yesterday about the interview and to be honest I was surprised that I even made it through to the second round since the competition is fierce. I only get 30 minutes to convince them of my skills and dedication to make this work for the next three years. But I’m having major doubts because it would mean a proper career change, while I’m still slowly but surely putting down my roots (client-wise) where I’m currently living…

Yesterday I was given a personal phone number of the manager of the City Auditorium who wanted me to contact her: she has such a huge network and wanted to recommend me to potential clients or even help me find a perm/temp design job. It makes me think whether I tried hard enough since the move. I’d have to say I probably didn’t because I never really made up my mind not knowing what direction to go until I’d taken the competency test.

When I was going through the results with the coach I was told to either continue what I’m doing but actually commit myself instead of doing stuff half-arsed. Committing means doing what I’ve done in the UK: properly register the company with the chamber of commerce. But most of all getting out there to get assignments in because it won’t just happen: networking is a huge part of that so I’m very pleased with this person’s phone number! It’s a start…

So… not knowing what to wear for this interview is probably representing an underlying issue that I need to address. I wanted this interview so badly when things were still looking bright last summer but when I heard about the terms and conditions it all started to look a bit gloomy. I wish I would be shown which way to turn: some divine sign from the Universe or am I too blind to see and missing something? I’m so good at annoying myself!

They dangle the carrot but it all comes down to how hungry you really are, if you get my drift…

© Caroline Young