Tag Archives: Memory

The Dream

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“…The mate for the wildish woman is the one who has a soulful tenacity and endurance, one who can send his own instinctual nature to peek under the tent of a woman’s sould-life and comprehend what he sees and hears there. The good match is the man who keeps returning to try to understand, who does not let himself be deterred by the sideshows on the road…”

~ “Women Who Run With the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I dreamt about ‘my Manawee’ last night… and I wonder… I don’t wonder why because I know the reason why, I simply wonder if it’s possible to love a person for a long period of time without actually realising it until you’re reminded of this person. I don’t wonder because I’ve been aware he has often been on my mind on and off ever since. Pain has the tendency to diminish over time even when you were hurting. At times that’s a good thing, occasionally it could become something unrealistic if you lose sight and fail to take into account why you were hurt to begin with.

I had to let go which was the toughest thing I ever had to do. I had to let go because I couldn’t carry the weight of two lives gone wrong. I had to fix mine first. Last night I was looking for something on my NAS and was wondering where I kept movies and tunes he’d sent me over time. I’m pretty sure I have them still as I’d never throw out any of the things he’d sent me. I just realized they weren’t on the NAS as I bought it about two years ago.

But there were some other things I had a look at: pictures. The first one that I opened was him. My heart skipped a beat as I hadn’t seen that face in a long long time. I was overwhelmed with feelings. It came as a surprise, but then again it didn’t. It was just a confirmation of something that I’ve known all along. And realizing this brings back lots and lots of emotions, longings and feelings. So… there it is! The kind of stuff that dreams are made off.

But I haven’t got a clue what I’m supposed to do about/with it… Although the dream(s) were real and the way I felt when I woke up was pretty real too…

Copper Issue

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I’ve been trying new techniques and new materials for my jewellery lately but I seem to be stuck at the moment as I’m trying to find a solution for some problems I ran into. The idea that is on my mind is a cool one but in order to get it done I need to try things that -to me- are scary in a way. Each tool I use that needs a combination of speed and something sharp in order to do what it’s supposed to do I feel utterly uncomfortable with. Tools like a circular saw or a Dremel metal drill bit, a high speed cutter, or even the fast rotating Dremel carbon steel brushes/abrasive buffs I’ve used for polishing. Yes I’ve used them all but I was and am hesitant to do so because I know myself well enough ;)

I can be extremely preoccupied, thinking too many thoughts at once or trying to do several things at the same time. If I’m in such a mood I turn into a living disaster the moment I’d use my cordless Dremel or any other tool. Trust me I’ve done it before ending up cutting myself or letting the tool slip or worse. I guess it also has to do with getting older and getting more aware of lingering dangerous situations. The first time I’ve used a circular saw was in 2000 (17 years ago) when I had just moved into my new apartment where I was renovating the kitchen all by myself. I had lent the saw from a friend who lived nearby and since there was no-one around to help me I had to figure it out myself.

I’ve renovated the kitchen cabinets with a new kitchen worktop and had to make a hole to fit the sink in plus I made four more triangular shelves of the leftover bit. The worktop had a round edge profile which I wanted at the front of the shelves. So I had to fit it in the corner which was not exactly in a 90° angle as the walls didn’t have a flat surface, there were bumps in the plaster everywhere. But I’ve managed. Yes I was scared to use that tool as I had never used it before and had no idea how fast it would be or how it would behave whilst going through the wood. Would it be a smooth experience, would it go fast, would it slip away. etc., etc. Would I be careful enough to handle it?

I’ve fixed so many things over the years without hesitation, piping throughout the apartment, several old Vaillant geysers MAG 125/7.1 TZ which needed cleaning and fixing, gas heaters and so forth. Apart from renovations I’ve also always redecorated each apartment I’ve moved into myself, so I guess I could say I’m quite the DIY gal ;) Still these speedy power tools, make me feel uncomfortable the moment I have to use one which results in postponing what needs to be done in order to get to the next step of the design process. For this particular idea I have used copper piping which I have cut into rings with all different widths. Subsequently the rings need to be attached to each other.

The cutting is done by hand so there was no fear factor involved just yet but as I want to attach them to each other I will have to drill holes in each ring. I’ll also have to smoothen the edges because the cutter has left it very sharp. I recently cut myself when I took one of the rings to measure my wire wrapping design. I’ll use my Dremel to drill the holes with a very thin drill bit and perhaps to smoothen the edges of the rings as well. I still need to look into that particular part (mark the word ‘still’ ;) ) as I have been ‘busy’ looking for alternative solutions. Copper piping also gets really hot, I’ve noticed the first time I made a hole and I f… up my drill, I’m prepared this time: I’ve bought 3 spare drills :shock:

In my mind -whilst thinking about solutions- I was adding the additional horror value in case something would go wrong. I’ve read too many stories about broken cutting disks and hot flying fragments at colossal speed and the damage they can do (yes I wear safety glasses but still). I think I can retrace this reaction to a childhood memory where I’m sitting at my mum’s sewing machine -eight years old- sewing a nightdress when at some point the needle breaks. I felt it hit my cheeck at the time, only a few centimeters from my left eye. Ever since, ‘velocity’, ‘sharp-edged’, ‘high speed’ and ‘rotating’ used in one sentence causes me to try and find a workaround that is less scary to me.

See how I move around in circles? :roll: I think it’s time to get out of my comfort zone and ‘just do it’… The pillar drills is set and waiting to be used for weeks now. Guess I’ll be reporting back soon :cool: