Detaching 2009

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Hello 2009, hello snow, hello Apple.com, hello future, goodbye 2008, goodbye clutter, goodbye past, goodbye London(?). I wish all my blog readers a wonderful 2009, it will be a good year. I’ve started with fresh energy and a hopeful heart. I welcome Apple.com who had another look at this page which is the third time by now: do you think dreams will come true? It would be great to work for them [again] and design everything Apple related. So who knows…

I have been fighting a flu for three weeks now, everyone around me has been effected one way or another. I’m still trying to get it out of my system before it hits me hard but no luck so far. This bug seems so bad it takes at least two to three weeks to recover *sigh*. I know something must be wrong if I fall asleep on the couch at 20.00 and I have been doing this for three weeks already. I feel totally drained during the day so I’ll keep an eye on my system.

This morning Mother Nature decided to surprise me like she did last year but she was earlier much much earlier and there’s more to expect this week especially tomorrow and on Wednesday. I couldn’t take pictures because an hour later the sun surprised me peeking through the clouds and taking away Mum’s crystal gift. It’s been bitterly cold for a while already and while it was that cold I decided to go to the storage and start the declutter of 2009.

Forced once again to throw out more personal possessions due to the restless mind of the person I have to live with, I hope this year will bring an end to this although I’m sure it happens for a reason that I can’t understand yet. Though it’s easy to look back and emphasise all that I gave up on: jobs, apartment, friends, I shouldn’t think like that. I should look ahead no matter how big the obstacles are that I’m facing: that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

So I started with the ‘small’ obstacles while I still have time: January is a quiet month jobs-wise. I dressed myself in 20 layers of clothing, locked myself up in the storage: an open space with metal containers, where the temperature is the same inside as outside [-3] with a constant draft over my head. I’ve been throwing out things I don’t need or use which will all be taken to the charity shop where I went before to bring bags with clothes I didn’t wear: recycle baby!

One fact I became extremely aware of while cleaning out the mess is that people spend so much money on stuff they collect over the years. I now have to get rid of a VHS collection, I won’t have the space to keep them. I spent quite some money on those and will donate them to the local library -which will make those happy who can’t afford DVDs- and thát to me is the only way to justify the money that would otherwise end up in the bin, it’s not a total waste…

Today is another day of throwing out stuff that I don’t use. It makes me think about why people feel the need to keep these endless records of data, because that’s what it is in a way. Objects that trigger neurons… it’s exactly how a computer works. The only difference is that I have a choice in what data to keep and what to delete. Although in this phase of my life I don’t seem to have much of a choice, it’s having to choose between the lesser of two evils.

Detaching and more detaching till my receptors are numb…

© R. Ritter 3 January 2009, all comes in clusters of at least two…

Snake Pit

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I watched Memoirs of a Geisha the other day, quite a moving film if you look at it from a love story perspective, quite a realistic film from a snake pit perspective. I was amazed to see the jealousy and competitiveness focused on Sayuri the main character who was beaten, publicly humiliated, degraded, betrayed, insulted, bullied and envied by this one Geisha for no other reason than jealousy.

I guess I was amazed by the fact that a woman is capable of having such hatred against another. I tried to understand why but I guess there are no reasons for jealousy, it’s just the way it is. I could very much relate to Sayuri because I’ve been in similar situations ever since I became aware of the kind of games certain women feel the need to play, unfortunately quite recent too, though I don’t wish to be part of it.

I always wonder why they need to behave like schoolgirls because I could only understand and justify that kind of behaviour when it’s done by 13-year-olds since they don’t know any better. I also wonder why they seem to feel threatened by me or my appearance while I’m certainly not provoking or behaving in a way that would suggest inappropriate manners or ideas. I’m just being me, reserved me, polite me and kind me.

So why do they feel the need to sneer or bitch at me, humiliate and ignore me? It’s annoying because if they would only try and see me for who I am they would see past the surface -read: appearance- and find a decent person within. One with no hidden intentions, who’s genuine and who could be interested in getting to know you better and share mutual respect. So what the hell have I done to you that you can’t?

I remember being at a venue in Amsterdam where a band was playing that evening. I said hello to a woman who looked familiar and started chatting with her. It turned out she worked at this bar that I used to go to. We had a really nice conversation and at some point she said: I can’t believe you just started chatting with me like that. I said: Why not? She said: Well, you’re beautiful, beautiful women don’t talk to me.

She was referring to the bar where she worked and explained to me that most women who would hang out there [Rockabilly scene] were arrogant and definitely not interested in having a conversation with her. She didn’t have to explain that one to me, I knew exactly what kind of women she was referring to. Whenever I was at that bar I tried to avoid them like the plague although some were friends of friends.

But yes, arrogance and/or jealousy are two traits that can make the most beautiful woman look utterly ugly if it marks her behaviour. Especially when it’s done in such a way that it’s only recognised by the women involved. Others in most cases, hardly seem to be aware of the manipulative sneaky mind games that are going on, trying to drag one down into the snake pit. They’d rather turn a blind eye [or deaf ear].

I totally don’t get this behaviour because I’m not that kind of woman and yes it does get to me, coz I just don’t understand… but I’m grateful for those like-minded women that are part of my life because they show respect, accept me and allow me to be me…

Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue.

~ Confucius