Visceral Charge

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt extremely uncomfortable without being able to identify the exact issue that is causing it? I have… On several occasions actually and each time triggered by a person, spirit or thing. The other day when I was on the train on my way to work a man sat down on the seat beside me on my right. He was tall and big, not extremely big but big enough to be present in my private space as I could sense him invade it with an energy as dark and thick as night, reflecting his inner turmoil. He was restless: either leaning against the back of the seat and touching my arm with his arm or leaning over looking at me from the side or staring out of the window. I felt utterly intimidated…

His clothes were rank with this pungent smell of greasy body odor. Whenever he moved around on the seat I could catch a whiff of it, making me want to hold my breath to avoid sudden and violent projectile vomiting. I was very aware of each movement he made because of this and because of the bad energy he was exposing. Normally I don’t instantly feel intimidated by someone or something, but this time the feeling was overwhelming. As if he had taken over my private space, like a thick black unavoidable steady stream of mud continuously flowing until everything was completely covered with it. Every three minutes he would move to one side and take his phone from his right pocket to check it.

In doing so he had to lean over towards me to get it out of his pocket thus violating my space. He would check his phone for a few seconds then put it away again. This went on for about twenty minutes just before arriving at the next train station. In the meantime I was trying to avoid him by playing a few games of solitaire on my phone but his presence was unavoidable. Each time he moved I was made very aware of that, so I stopped playing and looked out the window instead, trying to ignore the restless bulk that was sitting next to me. Like an emotional predator, he was waiting for the kill but I wouldn’t give in that easy. If he was in for a mental tug of war he could definitely get one by making him feel agitated.

The more I ignored him -imagining myself sitting inside an enclosed space filled with bright light, a space that grew larger and larger- the more restless he became. He tried to make eye contact by leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, turning his head towards me and staring at me for half a minute, then he would move back again trying to lean against the back of the seat and moving his arm away in order to avoid touching my elbow. I just sat there quietly ignoring and ‘allowing’ him to play his cat and mouse game. I sat in my own white glowing energy, growing stronger by the minute. The more I imagined myself in my energy the more agitated he became which only proved what I’d sensed about him all along.

Finally the train arrived at my destiny, whilst he was sitting next to me I didn’t have a good look at him because his psycho vibes warned me not to do so, but the moment he got up I did. A rising bulk still but far less intimidating as twenty minutes earlier when staring at me. He didn’t look back but I’m guessing he could feel my piercing third eye telling him to F.O. He was wearing a military parka and a backpack, his hair was greasy, uncombed and showed scabs. His face didn’t show any expression, he was the kind that would easily blend into the crowd without anyone noticing anything odd about him. The quiet silent type and at the same time asserting a warped sense of mental authority.

I continued my commute and watched him disappear in the overcrowded train station, but it took a while to shake the feeling of what had been going on not so long ago. I still can’t explain what it was what made me feel uneasy, but it was something dark, this I know for sure… 13 Feb 2017 @ 08:03

Detaching 2009

Hello 2009, hello snow, hello Apple.com, hello future, goodbye 2008, goodbye clutter, goodbye past, goodbye London(?). I wish all my blog readers a wonderful 2009, it will be a good year. I’ve started with fresh energy and a hopeful heart. I welcome Apple.com who had another look at this page which is the third time by now: do you think dreams will come true? It would be great to work for them [again] and design everything Apple related. So who knows…

I have been fighting a flu for three weeks now, everyone around me has been effected one way or another. I’m still trying to get it out of my system before it hits me hard but no luck so far. This bug seems so bad it takes at least two to three weeks to recover *sigh*. I know something must be wrong if I fall asleep on the couch at 20.00 and I have been doing this for three weeks already. I feel totally drained during the day so I’ll keep an eye on my system.

This morning Mother Nature decided to surprise me like she did last year but she was earlier much much earlier and there’s more to expect this week especially tomorrow and on Wednesday. I couldn’t take pictures because an hour later the sun surprised me peeking through the clouds and taking away Mum’s crystal gift. It’s been bitterly cold for a while already and while it was that cold I decided to go to the storage and start the declutter of 2009.

Forced once again to throw out more personal possessions due to the restless mind of the person I have to live with, I hope this year will bring an end to this although I’m sure it happens for a reason that I can’t understand yet. Though it’s easy to look back and emphasise all that I gave up on: jobs, apartment, friends, I shouldn’t think like that. I should look ahead no matter how big the obstacles are that I’m facing: that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

So I started with the ‘small’ obstacles while I still have time: January is a quiet month jobs-wise. I dressed myself in 20 layers of clothing, locked myself up in the storage: an open space with metal containers, where the temperature is the same inside as outside [-3] with a constant draft over my head. I’ve been throwing out things I don’t need or use which will all be taken to the charity shop where I went before to bring bags with clothes I didn’t wear: recycle baby!

One fact I became extremely aware of while cleaning out the mess is that people spend so much money on stuff they collect over the years. I now have to get rid of a VHS collection, I won’t have the space to keep them. I spent quite some money on those and will donate them to the local library -which will make those happy who can’t afford DVDs- and thát to me is the only way to justify the money that would otherwise end up in the bin, it’s not a total waste…

Today is another day of throwing out stuff that I don’t use. It makes me think about why people feel the need to keep these endless records of data, because that’s what it is in a way. Objects that trigger neurons… it’s exactly how a computer works. The only difference is that I have a choice in what data to keep and what to delete. Although in this phase of my life I don’t seem to have much of a choice, it’s having to choose between the lesser of two evils.

Detaching and more detaching till my receptors are numb…

© R. Ritter 3 January 2009, all comes in clusters of at least two…