Tag Archives: Vulnerable

Goodbye Fear

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I never thought things would affect me this much… I had a brilliant weekend, I had the best company I could wish for, I had fun, I was happy, I was laughing lots, there was good food and drinks and the weather couldn’t be more perfect. And last but not least: there were shared confessions, sweet words that I was surprised to hear so I must have been blind and utterly deaf for quite some time I guess… *not anymore!*

And then out of the blue things slowly start to come back and creep up on me. Why oh why do I feel the way I do, why are the effects of the past trying to catch up with me once again. I’ve heard it a few times, my friend MD told me recently, over the weekend to be exact. He said I should stop thinking/reasoning about my feelings till they’ve completely diminished and dare to feel instead. I can’t help but doing it again.

It’s fear… and I don’t have a clue why… Well I do actually. It’s fear of not being good enough and fear of being rejected. And I realise I need to work on this before things get all screwed up again. And I need to be patient, I would like to be patient… and should stop being the perfectionist. So what I’ll do is, I’ll write down what is bothering me on a piece of paper and I will burn it and bury the ashes deep deep down in the soil…

I feel vulnerable but I should know that things are good the way they are, instead of doubting all that I could ever doubt, about anything. Perhaps I see this vulnerability as some kind of weakness and since I need to be all perfect I can’t accept weakness, I need to be strong in order to survive. So the reasoning starts again because it’s so much easier to reason and make up your own logic than having to face the feelings.

I deserve something good… than why am I having such a hard time to accept things the way they are? *Looking for pen and paper*

Coffee and Chocolate

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Coffee and Chocolate. Two of my favourite things, two things that could really win my affection. I couldn’t resist and had to redesign the theme of this blog. I am in need of these two things, I want them to surround me constantly on a daily basis, because they make me feel happier which is a good thing and most of all something I desperately need at the moment.
I’m okay but I had two really bad weeks where I couldn’t get anything done because of personal reasons that I wrote about somewhere in February or March this year. It’s not nice having to walk on eggshells all the time or else you’re attacked for no particular reason, since anything you say or do will be a trigger. What I find hard to understand is why it’s not dealt with, but instead taken out on me. Well, it’s dealt with but only when I point out the type of behaviour. I reckon that’s the way it is and has been for quite some time now. That’s when I start to wonder what happened to me.
I trusted the other person not to crush that part of me that was longing to be loved, be vulnerable and open, isn’t that a normal thing to expect from a relationship? Mistake. And I guess I didn’t want to see the signs and therefore have to pay for it these days by having that part of me severely crushed from time to time… So when I have a good day I try to pick up the pieces and try to find myself, the ‘me’ that is known to my friends, to those around me who respect me and accept me for who I am: the vulnerable and strong person, the surviver and fighter…
But I have trouble finding her when I’m crushed again, hurt and in need of comfort and support. Comfort and support doesn’t seem to be within reach ever since I moved country. So if I have a bad day I increase the Seratonin and Phenylethylamine levels by having some chocolate, just a bit, I know my limits. Well… at least when it comes to chocolate.
I wish things were normal again…