Tag Archives: Eggshells

One Day

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I’m sure that one day I will laugh when I’ll read parts of this blog again, one day I will understand and realise why I wasn’t able to see things sooner because I was stuck in the middle and I couldn’t observe from a distance. One day I might be able to forgive but I don’t think I will ever forget. One day I might have learned enough lessons to recognise the red flags in time and run away as fast as I possibly can while I still can. One day I might be able to trust my own judgment and listen to what my gut feeling is telling me…

But today is just today, another day of five in a row so far, last time it was like this, it lasted two weeks where I tasted the bitter fruits of emotional abuse at any possible time of the day, or night, not to mention all those times where I decided not to write about it but keep quiet. I’ve tried to count the remarks and lost track but the words still echo in my head as if they were said a second ago. It seems that the harder I ignore them the more they hurt and I’m sure it’s not just from biting my tongue.

I’m not welcome here and the hints are anything but subtle these days, they’re harsh and cruel. This from someone who told me two days ago when I had a weak moment [one that I still regret], that he understood my tears and frustration so well; I should take time to recover and stay home because I can’t work for a while, I should just accept it… And minutes later the bullying starts again, indirect sneering criticism, threats and insults about anything that is basically me or related to me.

I’m told he’s only joking when I can’t bite my tongue no longer, but I ain’t laughing, au contraire… I just hide my tears when I cry myself to sleep again, trying to find a way out and stay focused which is hard when tears are blurring the view. Trying to understand why there are so many obstructions and what I need to learn from all this. Why my patience is tested once again and I so wish that this ‘One Day’ would be here as soon as possible, so I can laugh, laugh and feel free again.

‘I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.

Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,

the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.

What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?’

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

How I miss my tiny garden

Where I used to sit still

With my bare feet on the ground…

Coffee and Chocolate

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Coffee and Chocolate. Two of my favourite things, two things that could really win my affection. I couldn’t resist and had to redesign the theme of this blog. I am in need of these two things, I want them to surround me constantly on a daily basis, because they make me feel happier which is a good thing and most of all something I desperately need at the moment.
I’m okay but I had two really bad weeks where I couldn’t get anything done because of personal reasons that I wrote about somewhere in February or March this year. It’s not nice having to walk on eggshells all the time or else you’re attacked for no particular reason, since anything you say or do will be a trigger. What I find hard to understand is why it’s not dealt with, but instead taken out on me. Well, it’s dealt with but only when I point out the type of behaviour. I reckon that’s the way it is and has been for quite some time now. That’s when I start to wonder what happened to me.
I trusted the other person not to crush that part of me that was longing to be loved, be vulnerable and open, isn’t that a normal thing to expect from a relationship? Mistake. And I guess I didn’t want to see the signs and therefore have to pay for it these days by having that part of me severely crushed from time to time… So when I have a good day I try to pick up the pieces and try to find myself, the ‘me’ that is known to my friends, to those around me who respect me and accept me for who I am: the vulnerable and strong person, the surviver and fighter…
But I have trouble finding her when I’m crushed again, hurt and in need of comfort and support. Comfort and support doesn’t seem to be within reach ever since I moved country. So if I have a bad day I increase the Seratonin and Phenylethylamine levels by having some chocolate, just a bit, I know my limits. Well… at least when it comes to chocolate.
I wish things were normal again…