Sunday night Monday morning (18th-19th of May)

Bad dreams seem to be taking over my nights lately and keeping me from a decent sleep. I don’t know what to think of them to be honest because they’re not the friendly kind if you know what I mean. I’ve waited a day to write this one down, I was still upset about it yesterday and had this odd feeling bothering me all day. I could not talk about it, so I kept quiet -literally quiet- while I tried to dissect this nightmare.

I can’t remember all of the dream but it felt good and peaceful, until I got to the last bit where all of a sudden I was on top of several roofs of this cluster of buildings. All flat zinc roofs, like the ones we have here in NL in the large cities. About 12 metres away from me I saw my brother, his wife and my 8 year old niece looking through a window waving at me. They seemed to be watching me, like I was about to do something.

I was in the back at one of the flat roof tops looking at them and looking down, realising it was extremely high up there and no railing to keep you from falling. I noticed there was a Dutch cargo bike near the window and my niece was about to forcefully push it away into my direction. I had to keep an eye on where it would go since the roofs where sloping down on my end and gaining speed it could push me right over.

The cargo bike started to move into my direction and as it was speeding up, halfway down, it hit a big bolt that was sticking out of a roof. The bike split into two halves, right in the middle across the longer side and both halves toppled over. I watched like it happened in slow motion. A second later I looked to my right and found to my horror that with my right hand I was holding my niece by her wrist, dangling over the edge.

My right arm is my weak spot, due to RSI I have no strength in that arm and I definitely can’t hold an eight year old child sideways. I felt her wrist become slippery from my damp hand and I could feel how I slowly started to lose grip on her. She looked at me with a growing panic in her eyes like she was screaming at me not to let go. Begging me to save her life… I will never ever forget that despaired look on her face.

I turned my head away from her to see where my brother was and if he could be there in time to help me. I only had seconds left. He stood in front of me and the moment I looked him in the eyes, he had pulled her back on the roof. Not a word was said, not a sound was heard while this was going on. Like all noise had quiet down and everything was holding its breath. Seconds seemed to last forever and then again they weren’t.

My brother’s wife gave me a blank look whilst my niece ran towards her arms, looking for consolation of the distress she’d just been through. I was unable to speak and still in shock. That very moment I woke up, gasping for air and crying my eyes out until I fell asleep again. The horrible feeling remained and I woke up that morning with a serious emotional hangover.

I’m still contemplating what this nightmare means. I think I understand what it is trying to tell me but I need to think some more before I will write it down. Bear with me…