Tag Archives: Thoughts

One Day

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I’m sure that one day I will laugh when I’ll read parts of this blog again, one day I will understand and realise why I wasn’t able to see things sooner because I was stuck in the middle and I couldn’t observe from a distance. One day I might be able to forgive but I don’t think I will ever forget. One day I might have learned enough lessons to recognise the red flags in time and run away as fast as I possibly can while I still can. One day I might be able to trust my own judgment and listen to what my gut feeling is telling me…

But today is just today, another day of five in a row so far, last time it was like this, it lasted two weeks where I tasted the bitter fruits of emotional abuse at any possible time of the day, or night, not to mention all those times where I decided not to write about it but keep quiet. I’ve tried to count the remarks and lost track but the words still echo in my head as if they were said a second ago. It seems that the harder I ignore them the more they hurt and I’m sure it’s not just from biting my tongue.

I’m not welcome here and the hints are anything but subtle these days, they’re harsh and cruel. This from someone who told me two days ago when I had a weak moment [one that I still regret], that he understood my tears and frustration so well; I should take time to recover and stay home because I can’t work for a while, I should just accept it… And minutes later the bullying starts again, indirect sneering criticism, threats and insults about anything that is basically me or related to me.

I’m told he’s only joking when I can’t bite my tongue no longer, but I ain’t laughing, au contraire… I just hide my tears when I cry myself to sleep again, trying to find a way out and stay focused which is hard when tears are blurring the view. Trying to understand why there are so many obstructions and what I need to learn from all this. Why my patience is tested once again and I so wish that this ‘One Day’ would be here as soon as possible, so I can laugh, laugh and feel free again.

‘I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.

Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,

the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.

What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?’

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

How I miss my tiny garden

Where I used to sit still

With my bare feet on the ground…

Friday Blues

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While some things are going great other things don’t seem to be going well and I find myself having Friday Blues… Just wishing Friday would be over in the blink of an eye. I guess part is caused by the fact that I’m just extremely tired, I didn’t sleep well last night and I feel totally drained. There’s a lot going on at the moment. I received a letter from my mum and didn’t read it until this morning. I put it aside for a reason and I guess I should’ve been more cautious. Just another thing on the pile of unfinished business that needs to be sorted…

Along with the daily fact of having to walk on eggshells because I can’t seem to do anything right… I so wish things were different. I so wish I could be myself again, not being afraid of speaking up. Everything I say these days seem to turn into nastiness and I’m treated in an obnoxious way. I wish I had a place to myself so I could feel peaceful again, not having to worry about time, rushed by time. Working hours seem to have become the only period during the day where I can be myself without being bothered.

I was so close in having it all started until I found out last Friday that I needed to arrange one more thing in order to get there, actually the most important thing of it all. And because I didn’t trust my own gut feeling which I should have, I am once again in a position I don’t want to be in because I was told the untruth and I believed it instead of myself. My aunt explained to me the other day that because I’m becoming independent it will cause friction, because I no longer ‘need’ the other person to help me out. She’s right, it’s showing. The more I try to get my life back the more friction it seems to cause…

How I wish for some stability, while I realise that the only constant in life is change. I am working on things but progress seems to be so slow at times and its wearing me down. I was told a lot of things over the last few weeks, things that are not good for one’s self-esteem and if I’m not cautious and let go of this I will have to start all over again. There are once again more questions than answers and hurt starts to show. I seem to hit the panic button too often these days causing myself to be confused about people who deserve better than that and not knowing what to do next, how to tell them what is really on my mind… Guess I’m too scared…

When is this freaky merry-go-round going to stop?

[snippet taken from A. Keys]:

Can you take it away?

This pain in my heart that just follows me by day

And at night stalks me like the shadows on my wall

It feels like the world is closin’ on me

It feels like my dreams will never come to me

I keep on slippin’ deeper into myself

And I’m scared, so scared

Why does it feel that my mind is constantly trying to pull me down

I can’t seem to get away

Continuous mistakes I know I’m able for

How long will I feel so out of place