Tag Archives: Panic

Friday Blues

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While some things are going great other things don’t seem to be going well and I find myself having Friday Blues… Just wishing Friday would be over in the blink of an eye. I guess part is caused by the fact that I’m just extremely tired, I didn’t sleep well last night and I feel totally drained. There’s a lot going on at the moment. I received a letter from my mum and didn’t read it until this morning. I put it aside for a reason and I guess I should’ve been more cautious. Just another thing on the pile of unfinished business that needs to be sorted…

Along with the daily fact of having to walk on eggshells because I can’t seem to do anything right… I so wish things were different. I so wish I could be myself again, not being afraid of speaking up. Everything I say these days seem to turn into nastiness and I’m treated in an obnoxious way. I wish I had a place to myself so I could feel peaceful again, not having to worry about time, rushed by time. Working hours seem to have become the only period during the day where I can be myself without being bothered.

I was so close in having it all started until I found out last Friday that I needed to arrange one more thing in order to get there, actually the most important thing of it all. And because I didn’t trust my own gut feeling which I should have, I am once again in a position I don’t want to be in because I was told the untruth and I believed it instead of myself. My aunt explained to me the other day that because I’m becoming independent it will cause friction, because I no longer ‘need’ the other person to help me out. She’s right, it’s showing. The more I try to get my life back the more friction it seems to cause…

How I wish for some stability, while I realise that the only constant in life is change. I am working on things but progress seems to be so slow at times and its wearing me down. I was told a lot of things over the last few weeks, things that are not good for one’s self-esteem and if I’m not cautious and let go of this I will have to start all over again. There are once again more questions than answers and hurt starts to show. I seem to hit the panic button too often these days causing myself to be confused about people who deserve better than that and not knowing what to do next, how to tell them what is really on my mind… Guess I’m too scared…

When is this freaky merry-go-round going to stop?

[snippet taken from A. Keys]:

Can you take it away?

This pain in my heart that just follows me by day

And at night stalks me like the shadows on my wall

It feels like the world is closin’ on me

It feels like my dreams will never come to me

I keep on slippin’ deeper into myself

And I’m scared, so scared

Why does it feel that my mind is constantly trying to pull me down

I can’t seem to get away

Continuous mistakes I know I’m able for

How long will I feel so out of place

Moody Blues

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I’m feeling a bit down lately so I’m not in a talkative mood to be honest, that’s why I didn’t write on here yet. I’ve spent the last couple of days cleaning the house and sorting out boxes. I feel very dizzy because of the medication I’m taking. I’m taking a quarter a dose now every other day and I still have major side effects such as panic attacks in the middle of night, bad dreams, sweating, dizziness, tingling sensations, tiredness, vivid dreams, muscle spasms, nausea, difficulty concentrating, difficulty remembering things or poor mood. Especially poor mood… :(

I received a very sweet email today which made me feel better, thank you Inci, I hope you had a very nice introduction day today?! And I do miss your lovely lunch!!! I will sort out some of the pictures I promised earlier and put them online. I’ve sorted out most of the boxes and still have to rearrange my desk and computers. The lounge is almost finished, the bathroom is finished, our computer room is almost finished and last but not least I still need to clean up my clothes… Something I’m not looking forward to but it has to be done at some point. So I’m off again, sorting out my desk and comps. First things first right?

Will upload some piccies later, that’s a promise! Oh by the way, I noticed something:

Noticeable Oddities of the Day:

I hear police cars all the time. They are so noisy out here. I asked A. why that is and he said; ‘this is the city of crime and each time you hear a police car you’ll know someone did crime…’ I found that a bit hard to believe to be honest, I find the area we live in quite laid-back, there is hardly any noise, so much better than where I used to live. No screaming, no dog poo, no loud traffic etc. Just the noise of police cars.