Tag Archives: Responsibility

Dissection of Nightmares

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Sunday night Monday morning (18th-19th of May)

Bad dreams seem to be taking over my nights lately and keeping me from a decent sleep. I don’t know what to think of them to be honest because they’re not the friendly kind if you know what I mean. I’ve waited a day to write this one down, I was still upset about it yesterday and had this odd feeling bothering me all day. I could not talk about it, so I kept quiet -literally quiet- while I tried to dissect this nightmare.

I can’t remember all of the dream but it felt good and peaceful, until I got to the last bit where all of a sudden I was on top of several roofs of this cluster of buildings. All flat zinc roofs, like the ones we have here in NL in the large cities. About 12 metres away from me I saw my brother, his wife and my 8 year old niece looking through a window waving at me. They seemed to be watching me, like I was about to do something.

I was in the back at one of the flat roof tops looking at them and looking down, realising it was extremely high up there and no railing to keep you from falling. I noticed there was a Dutch cargo bike near the window and my niece was about to forcefully push it away into my direction. I had to keep an eye on where it would go since the roofs where sloping down on my end and gaining speed it could push me right over.

The cargo bike started to move into my direction and as it was speeding up, halfway down, it hit a big bolt that was sticking out of a roof. The bike split into two halves, right in the middle across the longer side and both halves toppled over. I watched like it happened in slow motion. A second later I looked to my right and found to my horror that with my right hand I was holding my niece by her wrist, dangling over the edge.

My right arm is my weak spot, due to RSI I have no strength in that arm and I definitely can’t hold an eight year old child sideways. I felt her wrist become slippery from my damp hand and I could feel how I slowly started to lose grip on her. She looked at me with a growing panic in her eyes like she was screaming at me not to let go. Begging me to save her life… I will never ever forget that despaired look on her face.

I turned my head away from her to see where my brother was and if he could be there in time to help me. I only had seconds left. He stood in front of me and the moment I looked him in the eyes, he had pulled her back on the roof. Not a word was said, not a sound was heard while this was going on. Like all noise had quiet down and everything was holding its breath. Seconds seemed to last forever and then again they weren’t.

My brother’s wife gave me a blank look whilst my niece ran towards her arms, looking for consolation of the distress she’d just been through. I was unable to speak and still in shock. That very moment I woke up, gasping for air and crying my eyes out until I fell asleep again. The horrible feeling remained and I woke up that morning with a serious emotional hangover.

I’m still contemplating what this nightmare means. I think I understand what it is trying to tell me but I need to think some more before I will write it down. Bear with me…

Sell Me Short

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It’s kind of sad when someone becomes so resentful and bitter that it will reflect badly on their future and its posibilities. I could see them end like that. I should’ve known better since I grew up with a person with an attitude like this and now I see another -actually three- become the exact same copy of emotionally draining negativism.

Tho it’s certainly not my responsibility, I do feel sorry for them, for not being able to take the good part from an experience, contemplate the whole, and move on without grudges. Over the years I’ve become tired of, and immune to hearing the constant whinging. Funnily enough, the one person I’d already given up on, drastically changed.

It’s because I’d changed my attitude towards her and showed her the consequences of verbally attacking someone. I would tell her exactly what I would do: because I refuse to listen to the constant nagging, she should either stop or I would walk out of the room. I didn’t realise that I was actually dealing with a three year old at the time.

But treating her like a three year old has paid off, she is now showing respect. At times the drama starts again -especially over the phone- but then I don’t say anything and now she knows that once I don’t react it’s no point to continue and she will change subject. It’s almost like I’ve been reprogramming a mind to enable it to think positive.

I’m happy it worked out like this because the bond has become much stronger since. I guess the negative attitude must have rubbed off on others though, either that or it is a gene pool issue and passed on in families. I’ve chosen to let go of a close family member because she became the copy. Calling her, only brought me frustration.

Last time I’ve spoken with her she’d become so self-absorbed, it confirmed my decision made months earlier, not to contact her again. I guess people are shocked because I’ve not set my boundaries with them before. So when I tell them I don’t wish to continue an off-ballance relationship, they become angry with me for telling my truth…

There’s a point in your life when you get tired of trying to fix everything and trying to make everyone happy. When you finally decide to quit, it’s not giving up. It’s realising you don’t need certain people, the blah-blah and the unacceptable behavior they bring to your life.