Tag Archives: Experience

Given Time

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I need to get things out of my system today and writing is one option that works quite well for me. I’ve been sleeping very badly ever since I’ve been ill for three weeks in December last year. Somehow my sleeping pattern got totally messed up. At times I’m awake till four or even six in the morning having to get up at 06.30 to get to work. During the day I tend to nod off around 15.00 and 16.00 or on my way home on the train. I’m just way too tired.

When in bed I try to relax a bit by playing Sudoku on my mobile but after a while I get fed up with it and will try to sleep but the moment I do the movie in my head starts and it won’t stop. I just keep thinking about things, life, expectations, hopes, my quest and most of all fears. Fear seems to stop me each time from whatever it is I really want from life. Last weekend I had finally finished a cool jewellery design because I’d found the right materials.

So I had this wonderful happy blissful feeling all day long. I realised I had solved a problem that had been stuck in the back of my head for almost two years. The solution saves me time, expenses and the feeling I could seriously mess up a design has completely vanished. It has opened up a new world of endless possibilities and instant gratification. I was so excited I couldn’s sleep at all, thinking about these questions in life that remain no matter what I do.

Fear is keeping me from making a decision, it’s holding me back from what I love to do most and what makes me happy. So I wonder why I don’t make that decision when all I’m getting are extremely positive reactions and a really good feeling about myself. Instead I choose to continue with a job that nolonger gives me any satisfaction no matter how I look at it. I remain in that exact same spot while if I wanted it, really wanted it, I could make things work.

Why would I choose this nagging unhappy feeling above the euphoric state I was in when I accomplished something? I really don’t get it. Is it fear? Fear of what? Staying awake half the night thinking things thru over and over again is not going to do me any good either so why am I doing this to myself? Why is it so extremely hard to go for what I really want wholeheartedly? At times I feel like shouting to myself to awaken me from this bad self-inflicted nonsense.

The other day I was thinking to myself: ‘Tess, if you don’t do this now, you’ll never do it, you’d be running out of time’. All the signs are pointing into the same direction, everything is screaming at me somehow. I can’t just ignore it. It happened too often and with an amazing strong force. People are extremely positive, even encouraging me to take the leap. And yet I stop myself from doing it. Today when I looked at a FB page of an artist I admire, I read the following:

‘All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us’

I wrote it down in my Passion Planner so I can decorate it and turn it into a piece of art that can’t be overlooked or neglected. So if you’ll excuse me for a while… I have a decision to make ;)

Sell Me Short

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It’s kind of sad when someone becomes so resentful and bitter that it will reflect badly on their future and its posibilities. I could see them end like that. I should’ve known better since I grew up with a person with an attitude like this and now I see another -actually three- become the exact same copy of emotionally draining negativism.

Tho it’s certainly not my responsibility, I do feel sorry for them, for not being able to take the good part from an experience, contemplate the whole, and move on without grudges. Over the years I’ve become tired of, and immune to hearing the constant whinging. Funnily enough, the one person I’d already given up on, drastically changed.

It’s because I’d changed my attitude towards her and showed her the consequences of verbally attacking someone. I would tell her exactly what I would do: because I refuse to listen to the constant nagging, she should either stop or I would walk out of the room. I didn’t realise that I was actually dealing with a three year old at the time.

But treating her like a three year old has paid off, she is now showing respect. At times the drama starts again -especially over the phone- but then I don’t say anything and now she knows that once I don’t react it’s no point to continue and she will change subject. It’s almost like I’ve been reprogramming a mind to enable it to think positive.

I’m happy it worked out like this because the bond has become much stronger since. I guess the negative attitude must have rubbed off on others though, either that or it is a gene pool issue and passed on in families. I’ve chosen to let go of a close family member because she became the copy. Calling her, only brought me frustration.

Last time I’ve spoken with her she’d become so self-absorbed, it confirmed my decision made months earlier, not to contact her again. I guess people are shocked because I’ve not set my boundaries with them before. So when I tell them I don’t wish to continue an off-ballance relationship, they become angry with me for telling my truth…

There’s a point in your life when you get tired of trying to fix everything and trying to make everyone happy. When you finally decide to quit, it’s not giving up. It’s realising you don’t need certain people, the blah-blah and the unacceptable behavior they bring to your life.