Tag Archives: Reflection

Au Contraire

Posted on by

I can’t think right now, I’m kinda brain dead after an evening of confrontation. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and it doesn’t feel nice coz things get stone-cold, things like my feelings, emotions and my brain. The situation I’m in is not healthy, it wouldn’t be healthy for anyone, it’s absurd to say the least and most of all it drains me from my energy and positive thoughts that I’m trying to hold on to. That I have been trying to hold on to for quite some time now. Holding on to positive thoughts keeps me sane, it keeps me from looking over the edge and watching the abyss open up before me once again like it did tonight…

Writing helps, it puts everything in order so I can make a decision. One that will shape me again for the rest of my life, one that I’m not likely to forget. Life is never easy but I could really use a break right now, I think I’ve had enough on my plate over the last three years ever since I decided to trust and jump into the abyss. Back then it was easier, well at least I thought it was because I had a bit of support coming from someone I thought I could trust. Nine months later that trust was crushed and hasn’t changed since. I’m taking full responsibility realising that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, but at what price exactly?

I often wonder what I’m supposed to learn from this experience, it seems I’ve only been stuck in this prison while I expected to gain some freedom. Au contraire… I know I’ll survive and I know I will gain in the end, I don’t have any doubts about that but what I’m forced to face would’ve been so much easier if I wouldn’t have to face it on my own. These are the times where I miss my friends, where I could use a proper Dutch ‘koffie verkeerd‘ and the company and uplifting words of those who never have let me down in any way. There aren’t many but those that I have are close to me no matter the distance or that bit of water…

One actually sent me a letter for my birthday along with a beautiful symbolic gift and his words echo in my head ever since. It meant/means more to me than I’ll ever be able to put into words. It’s hard to have no self-doubt when everything seems to be working against you and you’re in a constant struggle with circumstances. I’m a Capricorn, I’m not complaining… just extremely aware of facts and trying hard not to lose faith, but those words came at a moment where I needed them most and it’s still something I hold on to whenever I do end up seeing everything in black which is a typical Capricorn trait that I will conquer once again.

It’s time to make a decision and come up with a plan, deep down I think I already have. Not one that is made lightly, not one that will be easy to pursue. One that will definitely get me out of balance for some time but if I was to look at the positive side of it all I would say that at least I’m happy I won’t have to sell my couch that has been in storage for some time because it doesn’t fit through these narrow Victorian front doors…

Past Ghost

Posted on by

I used to have a friend, a close friend, my best friend. We used to drive to the Belgian Ardennes to spend a week there in a log cabin or an abandoned hotel over wintertime to have a typical Belgian culinary week and some kayaking, to be away from Amsterdam city life for a few. We lived three minutes apart, we would crash at each other’s place, we used to perform in bands together and go to the usual hangouts for the jam sessions.

We were best friends for twelve years until my father ended up in hospital seven years ago. I was depending on people to drive me there because of the emotional turmoil: a 40 minutes trip by car but a 1.5 hour trip by train and bus. So I’d asked her help but she refused. She got pissed off with me over something unknown and made it clear that what she decided for me would be best for me. She’d more important things to deal with than taking me to the hospital.

A week later my father past away after being hospitalised for cancer for three months. My mum sent this best friend a ‘thank you’ card after the funeral because I asked her to. Two months later I sent her an email request to talk things out but got one line back saying: ‘not interested’. I wrote her it was okay and wished her well. Till this day, I’ve no idea what pissed her off at the time, I do know it wasn’t the first time she got all worked up about nothing.

Ever since I live in the UK she has been digging for info on me. She has checked my business website, googled me and asked a mutual friend to add her to her contacts list on this social networking website probably because she can then see non-hidden parts of my profile and what messages I’ve left for others, pictures etc. This issue has been on my mind again and I’ve been speculating about her reasons and what she’s trying to accomplish.

I’m curious to see what her next move will be and if she ‘dares’ to come even closer… Did I forgive her? Yes: I meant those ‘thank you’ words on that card and I wished her well. Would I listen to what she has to say? Yes, because telling her: ‘not interested’ would be too easy and I don’t do easy. Do I want her back in my life? Probably not… So for now, I’ll just let her have that glimpse of my life through that social website, I don’t really care.

Smooth rides are boring and I’ve run out of free ones, says the Capricorn in me… ;)

…