Tag Archives: Faith

New Approach

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I’ve repeatedly listened to parts of an audio book each night before falling asleep, it has been extremely interesting so far and I can’t seem to get it out of my mind since I’m thinking about its message all day long. I’m preparing today for an interview tomorrow morning at 09.00, who would’ve thought people would be ready for an interview first thing on Monday morning?

I thought they’d need to exchange weekend experiences first with their morning coffee? Not that I mind but 09.00 on a Monday morning seems strange to me. Anyway: this interview is part of the ‘new’ plan. The book is teaching me to have a different approach in life, to make things happen, to create your life the way you want it… I know… it all sounds too ‘new age’…

But it isn’t really, it’s based on logic, psychology and scientifically proven facts and the things that are said actually do make sense. So today I’m focusing on the new approach and in a few minutes after I’ve finished this post I will start to write down my plan… I have to admit it’s kinda exciting and scary in a way because you’ll have to face your ‘demons’ big time.

A lot became clear to me while listening to the book and I’m determined to try this new approach and make my quest work for me. It’s going to be an interesting journey from here and it will definitely show me some odd angles, it already has but they finally start to make sense and I can finally see why I made certain choices in the past or why I didn’t.

I no longer will be able to procrastinate or look for reasons why I believe I can’t do certain things, coz I can(!) it ‘just’ takes a new way of thinking… It already scares the hell out of me but that’s just another excuse to procrastinate *hehe*. Oh yes your mind is very good at tricking you right back into your easy comfort zone so you won’t have to face the issues…

Off now to prepare myself *wink*

Update Monday 15:18:56: the interview went really well but the funny bit was that both people opposite of me complained about the fact that they had to interview someone at 09.00 on a Monday morning and even mentioned the fact that that was a first to them *LOL* To me as well btw. I’m struggling with the plan, perhaps I’ll write more about this later… I need to answer certain questions that make me think… Deeper than usal and that is already pretty deep *wink*.

© Mabel Lucie Attwell

Au Contraire

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I can’t think right now, I’m kinda brain dead after an evening of confrontation. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and it doesn’t feel nice coz things get stone-cold, things like my feelings, emotions and my brain. The situation I’m in is not healthy, it wouldn’t be healthy for anyone, it’s absurd to say the least and most of all it drains me from my energy and positive thoughts that I’m trying to hold on to. That I have been trying to hold on to for quite some time now. Holding on to positive thoughts keeps me sane, it keeps me from looking over the edge and watching the abyss open up before me once again like it did tonight…

Writing helps, it puts everything in order so I can make a decision. One that will shape me again for the rest of my life, one that I’m not likely to forget. Life is never easy but I could really use a break right now, I think I’ve had enough on my plate over the last three years ever since I decided to trust and jump into the abyss. Back then it was easier, well at least I thought it was because I had a bit of support coming from someone I thought I could trust. Nine months later that trust was crushed and hasn’t changed since. I’m taking full responsibility realising that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, but at what price exactly?

I often wonder what I’m supposed to learn from this experience, it seems I’ve only been stuck in this prison while I expected to gain some freedom. Au contraire… I know I’ll survive and I know I will gain in the end, I don’t have any doubts about that but what I’m forced to face would’ve been so much easier if I wouldn’t have to face it on my own. These are the times where I miss my friends, where I could use a proper Dutch ‘koffie verkeerd‘ and the company and uplifting words of those who never have let me down in any way. There aren’t many but those that I have are close to me no matter the distance or that bit of water…

One actually sent me a letter for my birthday along with a beautiful symbolic gift and his words echo in my head ever since. It meant/means more to me than I’ll ever be able to put into words. It’s hard to have no self-doubt when everything seems to be working against you and you’re in a constant struggle with circumstances. I’m a Capricorn, I’m not complaining… just extremely aware of facts and trying hard not to lose faith, but those words came at a moment where I needed them most and it’s still something I hold on to whenever I do end up seeing everything in black which is a typical Capricorn trait that I will conquer once again.

It’s time to make a decision and come up with a plan, deep down I think I already have. Not one that is made lightly, not one that will be easy to pursue. One that will definitely get me out of balance for some time but if I was to look at the positive side of it all I would say that at least I’m happy I won’t have to sell my couch that has been in storage for some time because it doesn’t fit through these narrow Victorian front doors…