Tag Archives: Reflection

The Ghost

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What I mentioned some time ago has happened, the ghost from the past tried to sneak into my life again… I was being watched thru this social networking website but it was a silent game of ‘Please notice my presence, I’m on the friends list of our mutual friend ‘Kay’… Aren’t you as curious about me as I am about you? Perhaps we could be friends again and forget my pathetic hurtful behaviour back then?‘

Nothing happened for months and of course I couldn’t be bothered to be dragged into another one of her games; I’m not fifteen anymore. I left messages for ‘Kay’ just like I did before the ghost showed up in her friends list. To my surprise (but then again not because I was expecting it in a way) I received an email through this professionals networking website which I used for business purposes only at the time.

It was surprising in a way because it meant she must have Googled me, there is no other way to find out about this profile of mine. She’d sent me a friend request and a short line telling me that she was wondering how I’m doing. I had no internet connection at the time when she sent me the request so she had been waiting for weeks already when I found it in my inbox the moment I was online again downloading my emails.

I kept her waiting for another two more weeks before I replied to her saying: ‘I’m good, thank you for asking’ and I left it at that. Of course I didn’t add her to my friends list, what was she thinking? I’m done with this, I have been ever since I sent her that email to wish her well. If she wants to satisfy her curiosity about me or get rid of her guilt she should try an apology first that’s one way to open communication lines again.

It’s such a lame way to use a friends request to wriggle yourself through the keyhole of a door that had been shut years ago. If she’d been genuine and sincere she would’ve known how to handle this the right way and write me a proper email instead. She has my business email address, it hasn’t changed for 8 years and since she’s visited my business website she could tell… When you bargain with a fox, beware of tricks.

Realisation

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I was surprised to see how the ex was upset when I told him about the arrangements I’d made. I’m dividing stuff between us, I don’t really have to but I’m giving away things I don’t need and so I have to ask questions and see if he’s okay with the way I arranged it or if he wants me to change it. Just the fact that I had to ask these questions caused sadness and hurt on his face and when I asked him what was wrong he turned away and said: ‘nothing…’

I guess it only just now starts to dawn on him, the realisation that something is becoming so final while it had been final to him for a couple of years already or at least he thought it was. I’ve been through all of that the moment he told me about his decision at the time. I’m only doing what is necessary to get those parts of my life back that I’ve lost along the line, that I’ve given up on when I was told it wasn’t important enough to keep.

So my approach is a different kind, I try to keep things in balance without getting too emotional. It’s almost like the roles are swapped… perhaps he did learn something over the years or is no longer afraid to show true feelings. I don’t know… I know I was surprised to see emotions that I’ve not seen before. Some things are not easy for me either but I’m looking ahead and see what is waiting for me at the horizon: a clean slate, a new beginning.