Tag Archives: Jewellery

Creative Sources

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I’ve been reading some old posts and wasn’t too happy about my writing. I guess these last two months have been too hectic as I can tell I’ve been rushing to finish writing certain posts, mostly whilst on the train commuting. I’ve promised myself to write every other week, but the thing about writing is that it won’t come to you if it doesn’t, just like any other creative process. I’m seriously lacking creativity lately because life seems to consume every bit of energy and time. I’ve decided to rewrite some of these posts as they do not reflect what I was trying to say, either because of bad English or rushing to get things done.

My creativity strongly depends on my mood: if I’m not happy I can’t create, I’d feel blocked and it’s no point trying. Especially with the design of jewellery, it can be hard to get started when I’m not in the right mood. Writing is a different story; I can still write when I’m pissed off, at times it even adds to the writing ;) But creating jewellery, paintings or anything else is simply not going to work. In the past I’ve tricked myself by looking forward to spending time creating jewellery over the weekend. Often it turned out utterly disappointing after I’d have a fight or discussion, instantly killing the creative process in my mind.

Something I’ve been looking forward to doing has died and when that happens I feel so frustrated. Time and energy are sparse when working and trying to juggle all the balls that life throws at you. What makes it worse, is that when I can trully dig into these creative sources it actually gives me lots and lots of energy, it’s totally relaxing and when I accomplish something it is extremely rewarding. Particularly the part when people see what I’ve made and comment on it. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a negative reaction or criticism. Everyone seems to love it which makes me a contented and proud designer.

So while I try to keep all those balls in the air, I find myself struggling with doing the things that are most rewarding. It seems a constant battle that I can’t win especially when I need to rush because I try to make use of a commute where I would normally doze off or think about what the day will bring or has brought me on my way home. Basically what it comes down to is focus which I’m lacking because there’s too much on my mind thus too many balls to keep in the air. A circle that needs to be broken somehow but ‘how’ seems to be the main issue here. Plus knowing myself: I want it all at once…

My planner has been neglected for the last four weeks perhaps I should start there because it tells me to write down everything I did have accomplished per week. It also wants me to write down all the good things that happened during the week and I’ve noticed that if I forget to fill out this planner or neglect the tasks that I’ve appointed to myself I either feel guilty for not having done this or I find myself not focussing on stuff that actually needs to be done in order to create spare time. Like writing this blog every other week ;) this post should’ve been finished last Thursday :roll:

Only because I have a bit more time -the second assignment has finished for now until this upcoming Thursday and/or Friday- I’ve decided to catch up on things so I’d feel better. Writing this makes me grin because I still have a half year evaluation to do. This planner is actually a good way of keeping track of accomplishments and how you deal with time planning in general. I believe I’m my worst enemy when it comes to that. I’ve noticed that whenever I set my mind to it I do get stuff done which leaves me enough time to also be creative, but there’s still not enough balance.

One page contains a doodle of mine that says: ‘there should be more!!! green (in this planner)’… I’ve bought five different fluorescent markers to mark all the tasks and things that I love or should do. Each subject has its own colour, green stands for ‘jewellery and crockery project’ and guess what, it hasn’t been green in ages ;) Orange stands for ‘work’ and guess what, there’s way too much orange showing :P Writing gives me clarity, I guess this post has given me enough insight for now, I actually need to get busy sorting that planner it seems… Guess an evalution may be at hand ;)

Given Time

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I need to get things out of my system today and writing is one option that works quite well for me. I’ve been sleeping very badly ever since I’ve been ill for three weeks in December last year. Somehow my sleeping pattern got totally messed up. At times I’m awake till four or even six in the morning having to get up at 06.30 to get to work. During the day I tend to nod off around 15.00 and 16.00 or on my way home on the train. I’m just way too tired.

When in bed I try to relax a bit by playing Sudoku on my mobile but after a while I get fed up with it and will try to sleep but the moment I do the movie in my head starts and it won’t stop. I just keep thinking about things, life, expectations, hopes, my quest and most of all fears. Fear seems to stop me each time from whatever it is I really want from life. Last weekend I had finally finished a cool jewellery design because I’d found the right materials.

So I had this wonderful happy blissful feeling all day long. I realised I had solved a problem that had been stuck in the back of my head for almost two years. The solution saves me time, expenses and the feeling I could seriously mess up a design has completely vanished. It has opened up a new world of endless possibilities and instant gratification. I was so excited I couldn’s sleep at all, thinking about these questions in life that remain no matter what I do.

Fear is keeping me from making a decision, it’s holding me back from what I love to do most and what makes me happy. So I wonder why I don’t make that decision when all I’m getting are extremely positive reactions and a really good feeling about myself. Instead I choose to continue with a job that nolonger gives me any satisfaction no matter how I look at it. I remain in that exact same spot while if I wanted it, really wanted it, I could make things work.

Why would I choose this nagging unhappy feeling above the euphoric state I was in when I accomplished something? I really don’t get it. Is it fear? Fear of what? Staying awake half the night thinking things thru over and over again is not going to do me any good either so why am I doing this to myself? Why is it so extremely hard to go for what I really want wholeheartedly? At times I feel like shouting to myself to awaken me from this bad self-inflicted nonsense.

The other day I was thinking to myself: ‘Tess, if you don’t do this now, you’ll never do it, you’d be running out of time’. All the signs are pointing into the same direction, everything is screaming at me somehow. I can’t just ignore it. It happened too often and with an amazing strong force. People are extremely positive, even encouraging me to take the leap. And yet I stop myself from doing it. Today when I looked at a FB page of an artist I admire, I read the following:

‘All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us’

I wrote it down in my Passion Planner so I can decorate it and turn it into a piece of art that can’t be overlooked or neglected. So if you’ll excuse me for a while… I have a decision to make ;)