Category Archives: Amsterdam II

The Investigator

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At times I find myself lost on the digital high way going from one place to another seamlessly for hours in a row. I’ve written in my planner that I should stop doing this because what it comes down to is that I get caught up in lots of different searches thus basically ending up wasting my time. Back in the days when I did an attempt to study (seems ages ago) the professor warned the group about this. You were only allowed to search for half an hour at the most which isn’t that much even for a ‘pro’ like myself ;) Those 30 minutes are gone in a blink.

Most of the time I’m not even searching, I’d like to call it ‘investigating’ because I’ll become curious about stuff from the past and I’ll end up looking for certain people who were once part of my life. It’s a trap and I really should stop doing this because it is pointless. What’s the use of trying to find out what happened to these people? I mean they are no longer part of my life for a very good reason so why the curiosity? I have no clue what it is that drives me to do this as it isn’t even rewarding and right after I feel guilty for wasting my precious time doing this.

The other day I ended up doing this on Farcebook when I noticed a person on another person’s list of friends and from there it went downhill. I used to work in the advertising business for quite a while, most of the people I know from that period are connections on LinkedIn but not on FB. I wouldn’t want them to be connected on FB, only those who are still friends from that period are part of my FB. But it seems to be common in this country to have everyone listed on FB inlcuding your (ex) colleagues and they all pretend to be so close-knit as well.

Am I an exception? It seems that way… Anyway, I ended up looking at a profile of this attention seeker from the advertising period. She was the kind who would go only after married men or men that were spoken for. So years later whilst looking at her profile I could only come to the same conclusion: nothing had changed. She was still the same pathetic person, a very lonely attention seeking person. Sad… No one seem to be responding to her posts from the hundreds of people only three or four left a reaction each time she posted something ‘interesting’.

In this particular case I didn’t feel guilty, I felt like my gut had been right all along. I hold no grudge against her for trying it on with my partner back then, he was on to her from the start and ignored her sad advances towards him. She went from an extremely well earning production manager to a teacher at the graphic art school. The exact same school which I attended when I moved to Amsterdam to study, ages ago. So reading this made me grin actually and far from feeling guilty. That was one case, although there were a few more that made me laugh.

But overall it still feels like I’m wasting my time on investigating don’t-need-to-know-facts… And it makes me wonder why I fall in the same monkey trap over and over again. Is it a way to procrastinate from what I really should be doing? Is it curiosity? Do I need confirmation? I have yet to find the answer but I’m sure it has to do with ‘letting go’. Perhaps I’m letting go of past hurt by visiting the ones who caused it, realising they are no longer on that pedestal where I’d left them in my mind back then. They aren’t as fantastic as they want(ed) everyone to believe.

Secretly and secretively I’m smirking and I feel good about decisions I’ve made in the past and how it all turned out, how some really seem to have gotten what they’ve deserved by their actions. I’m glad I’m not part of the huge FB family they like to pretend to have. They were colleagues, I don’t feel the need to share my inner thoughts with any of them except the ones that have become close friends. They were pretending back then, keeping up appearances, so what would be different these days? Nothing, nothing has changed as far as I can see.

Perhaps I’m just getting older and I start to see things for what they really are/were. I have a lifetime of experience, a sixth sense and an extremely good gut telling me often what I should make of things. I guess I need to investigate every now and then to chuckle intensely for a few, let go of these ghosts and move on again. I don’t feel any competition anymore nor the need to prove myself to anyone like I felt I had to back then. It is what it is and it’s good. So perhaps investigating is merely about getting a confirmation of what I’ve known all along.

Creative Sources

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I’ve been reading some old posts and wasn’t too happy about my writing. I guess these last two months have been too hectic as I can tell I’ve been rushing to finish writing certain posts, mostly whilst on the train commuting. I’ve promised myself to write every other week, but the thing about writing is that it won’t come to you if it doesn’t, just like any other creative process. I’m seriously lacking creativity lately because life seems to consume every bit of energy and time. I’ve decided to rewrite some of these posts as they do not reflect what I was trying to say, either because of bad English or rushing to get things done.

My creativity strongly depends on my mood: if I’m not happy I can’t create, I’d feel blocked and it’s no point trying. Especially with the design of jewellery, it can be hard to get started when I’m not in the right mood. Writing is a different story; I can still write when I’m pissed off, at times it even adds to the writing ;) But creating jewellery, paintings or anything else is simply not going to work. In the past I’ve tricked myself by looking forward to spending time creating jewellery over the weekend. Often it turned out utterly disappointing after I’d have a fight or discussion, instantly killing the creative process in my mind.

Something I’ve been looking forward to doing has died and when that happens I feel so frustrated. Time and energy are sparse when working and trying to juggle all the balls that life throws at you. What makes it worse, is that when I can trully dig into these creative sources it actually gives me lots and lots of energy, it’s totally relaxing and when I accomplish something it is extremely rewarding. Particularly the part when people see what I’ve made and comment on it. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a negative reaction or criticism. Everyone seems to love it which makes me a contented and proud designer.

So while I try to keep all those balls in the air, I find myself struggling with doing the things that are most rewarding. It seems a constant battle that I can’t win especially when I need to rush because I try to make use of a commute where I would normally doze off or think about what the day will bring or has brought me on my way home. Basically what it comes down to is focus which I’m lacking because there’s too much on my mind thus too many balls to keep in the air. A circle that needs to be broken somehow but ‘how’ seems to be the main issue here. Plus knowing myself: I want it all at once…

My planner has been neglected for the last four weeks perhaps I should start there because it tells me to write down everything I did have accomplished per week. It also wants me to write down all the good things that happened during the week and I’ve noticed that if I forget to fill out this planner or neglect the tasks that I’ve appointed to myself I either feel guilty for not having done this or I find myself not focussing on stuff that actually needs to be done in order to create spare time. Like writing this blog every other week ;) this post should’ve been finished last Thursday :roll:

Only because I have a bit more time -the second assignment has finished for now until this upcoming Thursday and/or Friday- I’ve decided to catch up on things so I’d feel better. Writing this makes me grin because I still have a half year evaluation to do. This planner is actually a good way of keeping track of accomplishments and how you deal with time planning in general. I believe I’m my worst enemy when it comes to that. I’ve noticed that whenever I set my mind to it I do get stuff done which leaves me enough time to also be creative, but there’s still not enough balance.

One page contains a doodle of mine that says: ‘there should be more!!! green (in this planner)’… I’ve bought five different fluorescent markers to mark all the tasks and things that I love or should do. Each subject has its own colour, green stands for ‘jewellery and crockery project’ and guess what, it hasn’t been green in ages ;) Orange stands for ‘work’ and guess what, there’s way too much orange showing :P Writing gives me clarity, I guess this post has given me enough insight for now, I actually need to get busy sorting that planner it seems… Guess an evalution may be at hand ;)