Category Archives: Business

Given Time

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I need to get things out of my system today and writing is one option that works quite well for me. I’ve been sleeping very badly ever since I’ve been ill for three weeks in December last year. Somehow my sleeping pattern got totally messed up. At times I’m awake till four or even six in the morning having to get up at 06.30 to get to work. During the day I tend to nod off around 15.00 and 16.00 or on my way home on the train. I’m just way too tired.

When in bed I try to relax a bit by playing Sudoku on my mobile but after a while I get fed up with it and will try to sleep but the moment I do the movie in my head starts and it won’t stop. I just keep thinking about things, life, expectations, hopes, my quest and most of all fears. Fear seems to stop me each time from whatever it is I really want from life. Last weekend I had finally finished a cool jewellery design because I’d found the right materials.

So I had this wonderful happy blissful feeling all day long. I realised I had solved a problem that had been stuck in the back of my head for almost two years. The solution saves me time, expenses and the feeling I could seriously mess up a design has completely vanished. It has opened up a new world of endless possibilities and instant gratification. I was so excited I couldn’s sleep at all, thinking about these questions in life that remain no matter what I do.

Fear is keeping me from making a decision, it’s holding me back from what I love to do most and what makes me happy. So I wonder why I don’t make that decision when all I’m getting are extremely positive reactions and a really good feeling about myself. Instead I choose to continue with a job that nolonger gives me any satisfaction no matter how I look at it. I remain in that exact same spot while if I wanted it, really wanted it, I could make things work.

Why would I choose this nagging unhappy feeling above the euphoric state I was in when I accomplished something? I really don’t get it. Is it fear? Fear of what? Staying awake half the night thinking things thru over and over again is not going to do me any good either so why am I doing this to myself? Why is it so extremely hard to go for what I really want wholeheartedly? At times I feel like shouting to myself to awaken me from this bad self-inflicted nonsense.

The other day I was thinking to myself: ‘Tess, if you don’t do this now, you’ll never do it, you’d be running out of time’. All the signs are pointing into the same direction, everything is screaming at me somehow. I can’t just ignore it. It happened too often and with an amazing strong force. People are extremely positive, even encouraging me to take the leap. And yet I stop myself from doing it. Today when I looked at a FB page of an artist I admire, I read the following:

‘All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us’

I wrote it down in my Passion Planner so I can decorate it and turn it into a piece of art that can’t be overlooked or neglected. So if you’ll excuse me for a while… I have a decision to make ;)

Insommnia

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There’s this song on my mind by Faithless called Insomnia where he sings

I’m wide awake in my kitchen

It’s black and I’m lonely

Oh, if I could only get some sleep

Creeky noises make my skin creep

I need to get some sleep

I can’t get no sleep….

This is what it has been like for me, ever since I’ve been ill in December last year. I had a really bad flu for two weeks in a row with a high fever. The result of this was that I would be asleep during the day most of the time. Well at least the first couple of days. It completely messed up my sleep pattern so most of the time I’m either wide awake till five or six in the morning or I’ll fall asleep, wake up a couple of hours later and can’t fall asleep again… It’s really utterly annoying!

In February this year I became ill again for another three weeks and thus the cycle continued until now. It’s something that has reoccured over the years but for different reasons. For example tonight I feel like my head is spinning and I can’t seem to stop the endless stream of thoughts that is going thru my mind. I was out last night having a few drinks with some friends at the pub. And I ended up talking with one of them about my start-up business and my jewellery designs.

He was so enthusiastic about the things I told him, the ideas I have that it has been stuck on my mind ever since. And not just him, others were very enthusiastic as well when I showed them the pictures on my cell phone. Also my idea about the crockery was received in a very positive way. The guy even offered me a free advert in this glossy that he works for as a photographer, worth 40.000 euros. Of course seeing is believing, but it got me thinking altogether. And here I am, still thinking…

Of course it got me thinking since lately everything points to the same direction which is that I should quit my job and do what I love doing. My day job hasn’t given me any satisfaction for years already. It’s just a job to get the money in and not something I can be passionate about. Hence the lack of sleep tonight. Well I’d better try to get rid of the thought stream now and try to get some sleep instead!