At times people ask me why I moved to London… It’s because I never really felt at home in the Lowlands and I wanted to explore and experience living in a different country with a different culture and society. When I was sixteen I dreamt about living in France and working there as an au pair. I never had to work as an au pair because I had friends in Paris which was almost a ‘second home’ to me and I could visit whenever I wanted to.
Later in life I traveled all over Europe so that nagging feeling was suppressed for a while but still there. At some point I realised that this feeling had nothing to do with countries or cultures. I came to the conclusion that it had something to do with my own identity and coming from two totally different backgrounds: Dutch and Indonesian. No matter where I am I won’t be able to shake that feeling of being split in two and not belonging anywhere.
It’s a feeling I can’t explain but I’m sure that those who are from two different cultures know exactly what I’m talking about. I was told once by a psychic that the only place I will instantly feel at home will be Java since I’m protected by a local shaman: my great great great grandfather. I’m more tempted to visit my dad’s home at Borneo to be honest it’s most of all less touristic and far more interesting to me because of my family history.
Anyway…
The nagging feeling is there again in the back of my head ever since I moved so I found the perfect opportunity to ‘test’ and see if I feel more at home in the far East. China that is… I’ve applied for a job at a Chinese university. It’s a teaching job in design and I fit the profile to a ‘T’ so I didn’t have to think twice and sent my CV. Visa and ticket will be arranged so if it’s up to me I’m ready for another challenge! Keep your fingers crossed for me…
Go For It Baby!
Thank you SO much… I’ll keep you posted! I knew you would like this *hehe*
If I get the job I will explain what it’s all about
*hugs!*
forgot the dot after 3w in my first comment, can you fix that?
xx
Just did…
xx
This is why i love coming here and reading your stories. You always make me think and a lot of times i relate to what you’re talking about.
I have that same feeling of never really belonging anywhere. Building my own family now is in a way making my own place in the world where i totally belong. Not a country, just this apartment we are living in, or just where my husband is, where our kids to be will be. You know?
Doll, my fingers are crossed for you ever since i heard about that opportunity in China. So hope you’ll get some positive news soon!
I’ve tried to define this feeling: it’s like being a stranger to yourself at times and if you’re not careful it could drag you down in a melancholic way so yes you have to find your own way/place that belongs to you…
I know exactly what you mean… It’s good that you build your own on a much smaller scale, one that is within reach and one from the heart, together with a wonderful husband and some mini-versions soon
I still feel I need to travel around a bit to find mine but deep down I already know -just like you pointed out- that I won’t find it in a certain country. I need to look closer to ‘home’ in my own heart… but for now I will dream a bit and look around in other places
Thank you for your sweet wishes, I already said to you, if I get the job I’m gonna send you some cuteness… be prepared *hehe*
Wow! That’s fantastic! What a fantastic adventure it would be!
I know what you mean about feeling the need to find the place where one truly feels one belongs, a place that can be called ‘home’. Lately I’ve been wondering if this place can be called my home…(my latest post for instance is sign that there are things coming to the surface which I am finding unbearable here)
I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Red also sends you his best regards and will also keep his fingers crossed he said
Thanks so much, to the both of you!
I know what you mean Wen, but I feel there is a difference between the ‘expat feeling’ and the ‘coming-from-two-different-cultures feeling’. I’m 50% Dutch and 50% Indonesian but I never felt Dutch I feel more Indonesian… So my search for a home is one that is almost impossible to realise because I feel I don’t belong to ‘a specific country’ or perhaps I should say ‘nationality’… This goes beyond the ‘expat feeling’ this comes from bloodlines and ancestors
But I do understand what you’re saying and yes it is related. In your case I would give it a bit more time. The kind of things you have to deal with you’ll find in each country, it’s potluck really. Somehow I have a feeling that you are struggling with two different things and you haven’t completely defined them yet: that the reason for finding things unbearable are much deeper than ‘just noise’… Forgive my bluntness!
You hit the nail on the head…those things are much deeper than just noise…unfortunately…