Daily Archives: June 12, 2009

Pay phones and Letters

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This is written during a brief hiatus from blogging, when I had no internet connection for three weeks

I need to make a few private phone calls and I’m looking for a pay phone. What the hell happened to pay phones? I’m not going into all the details but I just need to make a private call without someone nosy trying to overhear a conversation with a person he/she banned from his/her life for a ridiculous reason, ever since my dad past away. I’m surprised that these days you’re basically forced to have a mobile, what if I don’t want one?

Same goes for internet, I’ve applied for a connection because when I tried to arrange things from London I was told I couldn’t until I was registered and each registration should be done online… What if I’m nearly 80 and I don’t understand a thing about computers? Which is extremely unlikely -the bit about computers that is- because computers *read Apple Macs*, internet and everything related is my juice but you’ll get the point, don’t you?

I really would like to make that phone call but I have no clue where to go… How come I feel so utterly lost again, having no answers to all my questions and not knowing where to go or who to turn to to find these answers? Thankfully, I received a letter on Tuesday from my provider. Only three more weeks to go until I’m connected again but hopefully with a bit of luck I’ll receive the package next week so I can install the network.

Along with the news from the provider, I received a really sweet letter all the way from Malta with a beautiful symbolic gift from my friend Wen. I’m trying to keep my chin up and endure all the madness, sadness and chaos but I really had a tough TOUGH TOUGH week. So when the letter came in it changed my mood completely and lifted my spirit.

The Week After

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This is written during a brief hiatus from blogging, when I had no internet connection for three weeks

Some things you simply can’t prepare for no matter how hard you try. It’s been almost a week now and I can’t shake this feeling of sadness. I don’t understand why but then again I do; there’s been a lot going on ever since last Saturday. All extremely emotional situations, separations, final goodbyes, tears, words spoken, truth revealed.

I should be happy but I’m not, it feels like I’m grieving but because I have no privacy I can’t really. No quiet moment because of the never-ending talking of the person I’m temporarily living with; it’s driving me insane. I have to stay patient, hold in and swallow words while all I really want is deal with things so I can let go of all these unexpected emotions…

—

There was no awkward silence during the two hours drive and the topics that were discussed during the crossing were the serious kind with a bit of humour and laughter. We both came clean about past mistakes, what went wrong, where and how. I thought he had peace with his decision that night and for the first time I was convinced it was genuine and mutual.

I wasn’t prepared for the words that were spoken the next evening when I walked him to the lorry to say goodbye. I wasn’t expecting to feel that intense sadness when I saw him cry, telling me he missed me already. I wasn’t prepared to see someone hurt the way he was. It confirmed what I’d suspected all along, that he’d been wearing a fool’s mask all this time.

I wasn’t ready to hear these words after such a long time, I wasn’t ready to have so many emotions. No matter what happened between us in the past, it’s been forgiven quite a while ago. I’m getting sick and tired of hearing all the ‘good advice’ from those around me, telling me that it’s no longer my problem and that I shouldn’t care. Because I do care… as a friend.

And perhaps I’m just sad because this is the story of my life and -once again- I’m told all those words that I’ve heard before, the moment one starts to realise that what’s been taken for granted all those years is no longer available and gone for good. I know what I have to offer, it’s just sad to see most never realised until it was too late to mend.

I think I’m gonna need and take some time and having no internet is actually quite convenient. Now all I hope for is that someone could take the hints and keep quiet instead of the relentless nonstop yakking and the constant demand for my attention. I’m in need of silence and solitude but I’ve never felt more lonely and isolated inside than over the past few days.