Monthly Archives: January 2009

Cognitive Behaviour

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I haven’t been around much, I’ve had an extremely stressful day this week, two actually. One caused by a client the other one caused by a printer that I trusted with business for this same client. I wonder at times what happened to common courtesy in this world. Why are some so afraid to admit to mistakes and feel the need to blame it on others? What’s keeping these people from being genuine and show some respect?

I honestly don’t understand and it has been bugging me ever since I had to deal with it that particular day. It’s been so bad that I woke up because of a freaky dream I had caused by the client from hell. I refuse to become a scapegoat for the lack of communication and problems they have within their own structure. But the nightmare told me that I didn’t say what I wanted to say because of different reasons.

The first is that I was caught off guard; since I had done nothing wrong I wasn’t expecting to become the focus of anger and frustration of others. The raging person on the other end of the land line refused to listen to me when I tried to point out that they were the ones responsible for stagnation. I can’t force them to deliver what is needed and I refuse to constantly chase them up. I’m doing them a favour, I shouldn’t have to.

The second reason all had to do with the fact that I wasn’t ready to defend myself and certainly not in a foreign language. I don’t play games and expect the same from others, my mistake coz that seems to be quite rare these days and more or less common practice. I refuse to degrade myself to their level so I kept quiet but when the right moment came, I did have a tone and made things clear but I wish I’d said a lot more.

Why? Because it showed up in the nightmare that I had that night. I wanted to understand the meaning of it so I googled and found three other people who had exactly the same dream or something similar. I was really surprised to see that someone else had dreamt exactly the same details which made me wonder if the ‘language’ of dreams is something that is set in our genes and our brain wave activity.

I would be the perfect case study to Jung and Freud, don’t you think? … ;)

© J. Waterhouse Circean poison

ps in case you wondered, I’ve removed the EW. link even though I’m at the top of blogs listed, because I no longer feel related to any of their ideas, policies etc. It became just another commercial website that is only willing to show the fake superficial glamour of a trailing spouse. Shame really…

Detaching 2009

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Hello 2009, hello snow, hello Apple.com, hello future, goodbye 2008, goodbye clutter, goodbye past, goodbye London(?). I wish all my blog readers a wonderful 2009, it will be a good year. I’ve started with fresh energy and a hopeful heart. I welcome Apple.com who had another look at this page which is the third time by now: do you think dreams will come true? It would be great to work for them [again] and design everything Apple related. So who knows…

I have been fighting a flu for three weeks now, everyone around me has been effected one way or another. I’m still trying to get it out of my system before it hits me hard but no luck so far. This bug seems so bad it takes at least two to three weeks to recover *sigh*. I know something must be wrong if I fall asleep on the couch at 20.00 and I have been doing this for three weeks already. I feel totally drained during the day so I’ll keep an eye on my system.

This morning Mother Nature decided to surprise me like she did last year but she was earlier much much earlier and there’s more to expect this week especially tomorrow and on Wednesday. I couldn’t take pictures because an hour later the sun surprised me peeking through the clouds and taking away Mum’s crystal gift. It’s been bitterly cold for a while already and while it was that cold I decided to go to the storage and start the declutter of 2009.

Forced once again to throw out more personal possessions due to the restless mind of the person I have to live with, I hope this year will bring an end to this although I’m sure it happens for a reason that I can’t understand yet. Though it’s easy to look back and emphasise all that I gave up on: jobs, apartment, friends, I shouldn’t think like that. I should look ahead no matter how big the obstacles are that I’m facing: that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

So I started with the ‘small’ obstacles while I still have time: January is a quiet month jobs-wise. I dressed myself in 20 layers of clothing, locked myself up in the storage: an open space with metal containers, where the temperature is the same inside as outside [-3] with a constant draft over my head. I’ve been throwing out things I don’t need or use which will all be taken to the charity shop where I went before to bring bags with clothes I didn’t wear: recycle baby!

One fact I became extremely aware of while cleaning out the mess is that people spend so much money on stuff they collect over the years. I now have to get rid of a VHS collection, I won’t have the space to keep them. I spent quite some money on those and will donate them to the local library -which will make those happy who can’t afford DVDs- and thát to me is the only way to justify the money that would otherwise end up in the bin, it’s not a total waste…

Today is another day of throwing out stuff that I don’t use. It makes me think about why people feel the need to keep these endless records of data, because that’s what it is in a way. Objects that trigger neurons… it’s exactly how a computer works. The only difference is that I have a choice in what data to keep and what to delete. Although in this phase of my life I don’t seem to have much of a choice, it’s having to choose between the lesser of two evils.

Detaching and more detaching till my receptors are numb…

© R. Ritter 3 January 2009, all comes in clusters of at least two…