Stress | A Zestful Quest

I haven’t been around much, I’ve had an extremely stressful day this week, two actually. One caused by a client the other one caused by a printer that I trusted with business for this same client. I wonder at times what happened to common courtesy in this world. Why are some so afraid to admit to mistakes and feel the need to blame it on others? What’s keeping these people from being genuine and show some respect?

I honestly don’t understand and it has been bugging me ever since I had to deal with it that particular day. It’s been so bad that I woke up because of a freaky dream I had caused by the client from hell. I refuse to become a scapegoat for the lack of communication and problems they have within their own structure. But the nightmare told me that I didn’t say what I wanted to say because of different reasons.

The first is that I was caught off guard; since I had done nothing wrong I wasn’t expecting to become the focus of anger and frustration of others. The raging person on the other end of the land line refused to listen to me when I tried to point out that they were the ones responsible for stagnation. I can’t force them to deliver what is needed and I refuse to constantly chase them up. I’m doing them a favour, I shouldn’t have to.

The second reason all had to do with the fact that I wasn’t ready to defend myself and certainly not in a foreign language. I don’t play games and expect the same from others, my mistake coz that seems to be quite rare these days and more or less common practice. I refuse to degrade myself to their level so I kept quiet but when the right moment came, I did have a tone and made things clear but I wish I’d said a lot more.

Why? Because it showed up in the nightmare that I had that night. I wanted to understand the meaning of it so I googled and found three other people who had exactly the same dream or something similar. I was really surprised to see that someone else had dreamt exactly the same details which made me wonder if the ‘language’ of dreams is something that is set in our genes and our brain wave activity.

I would be the perfect case study to Jung and Freud, don’t you think? …

© J. Waterhouse Circean poison

ps in case you wondered, I’ve removed the EW. link even though I’m at the top of blogs listed, because I no longer feel related to any of their ideas, policies etc. It became just another commercial website that is only willing to show the fake superficial ~~glamour of a trailing spouse~~. Shame really…

If you wonder where I’ve been… Well besides being busy I had to come to terms with a few issues so I needed time to reflect. Things have been slightly rough again lately or perhaps they still were: I might have been a bit in denial for some time and were forced to face it over the last few weeks. I had some kinda wake-up call and I’m not so sure yet if I should be happy about the situation or not. Actually there are a few, not just one…

Some things can make me feel extremely helpless and leave me frustrated or upset. I see someone close and dear struggling and I see someone else being completely absorbed by a relationship resulting in losing identity. In the first situation it happens long-distance so I can’t do anything about it except being there when I’m needed and I seem to fail doing so because of my own needs, making it hard to juggle. This one is passionate and slightly complicated…

In the second situation I just found out that the person might not be aware or is just blissfully in denial. I can see change in character because of the influence of a partner. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in a similar situation so I guess that’s exactly why my radar picked it up. Again I can’t say or do anything about it but sit this one out and when it does I better have the Kleenex and a spare room ready. I just need to figure out a way to deal with it in the meantime…

Now picture my chauldron filled to the rim with the above ingredients including an equal measure of my own concerns which aren’t exactly rosy at the moment either. Let it stew for a while… And after making a real meal out of it, the result is something that then needs to be consumed while it doesn’t really look tasty at all: a bit burnt even. Then after consuming there’s cleaning to be done so you might understand what all of this is heading for in the long run.

I’m in serious need of a time-out, so I’m taking one and only focus on the job section for now until that is all sorted. Yes it is kinda tough to me because I find it difficult to put myself first and it feels like I’m running away from others but I figured out that if I don’t put myself first I can’t be there for anyone else. So it will always be a Catch-22 if I don’t decide to do what is best for me. I’m a fast learner but a slow achiever neither is good/bad, just extremely inconvenient at times.

Last week’s other activities involved chasing up someone in the US about an order that I placed a month ago, voting for the first time in London and discovering a most beautiful art deco library [polling station] five minutes from where I live, finishing complex time-consuming flash animations, getting frustrated about recruitment agencies and their inconsistent terms of folio sizes and CV formats, I have twelve different versions of both: the number is still increasing…

So yesterday was May Day in the UK, my parents’ Wedding Day, Liberation Day in the Lowlands and a day for me to relax and clear my head. It was sunny and perfect to go for a stroll in the woods. Today will be another day of annoying recruitment registrations… At least my parcel from the US finally arrived this morning. A creative gift: something I wanted for years, to brighten my day and hopefully someone else’s when I will use it… and I’m eager to!