‘I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”. I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can sit in pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.’
~The Invitation, Oriah
Why is it that some seem to think or know what is best for me? Why can’t I get through to some that after being told for four years what to wear, how to behave, what to say and how to live my life, that by now it’s engraved in each and every braincell or neurone and I’m so freakin fed up with being told what to do. Why can’t I get through to some that I’m trying the best I possibly can and why do they need to be convinced of that, instead of trusting me to do what’s in my power? Why again do I have to answer to some because no matter what I do it never seems good enough.
I do not need advice. I never asked for advice and if I would be needing it I definitely would start the sentence with: ‘could I ask you something…’ or ‘mind giving me your opinion’. At times I just need to vent and let go of something that is bothering me. Why can’t I get a chance to do so without some thinking that I expect them to ‘solve’ my problems. I don’t need fixing, I’m perfectly capable of cleaning up my own mess, thank you. I’m busy cleaning up the mess, but some stains are burnt on and have had four extremely long years to leave a very thick intense black mark.
Those particular stains need a bit more time to be removed but if I’m not careful they could leave a lot of damage, not mentioning the damage that’s already been done. So I’m trying it the patient and slow way; layer by layer. Every day a tiny bit until one day there is nothing left of that stain. I don’t need you to crush something that is still so fragile it could easily break and crumble into dust in a fraction. I need you to help me protect, nurture and make it grow stronger again. Just accept me for who I am, accepting myself again is hard enough already. I don’t need you to make it harder for me, that is exactly what I’m trying to get away from after four years.
Please just accept the situation and facts as they are, coz I certainly have! Which doesn’t mean that I’m sitting here doing nothing about them. If you would know my intentions, know my spirit, you would be able to trust me and believe in me, trust the fact that I’m trying all the possible cleaning agents and surface treatments, one by one until all the stains have been gone and the surface is shiny again. Until then all I wish for is some mental support and encouragement. I need you to believe in me and show faith in me. Is it really that hard to just give a hug or tell me that I’ve done well? Put an arm around me and be silent for a few and allow me to express my pain and just listen? Isn’t that what love and/or friendship is about?
[I’ll be taking a break to reflect, words seem to be causing nothing but trouble these days so I’m giving up: better be quiet. I wrote this because I’m upset and hurt after having to make people aware several times today and yesterday, that I’m doing the best I can. I realised that it might be for the best not to mention things anymore to those close to me: loved ones, friends and family. From now on I will say ‘I’m fine’ and leave it at that… I hate to lie but I’m forced to. There’s too much of a distance to bridge the gap between their reality and mine and although I realise they mean well, they don’t seem to understand that, that is the last thing I need at the moment. I’m ‘forced’ to say less and less in order to get what I truly need from them: peace of mind, encouragement and something that is probably wishful thinking: faith in me…
After all: only Faith can move mountains, so why is it that I seem to be the only one realising this?]
To reflect on matters, solitude might be best at times… Picture by R. Bobrow ©
