Tag Archives: Reality

Goodbye Fear

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I never thought things would affect me this much… I had a brilliant weekend, I had the best company I could wish for, I had fun, I was happy, I was laughing lots, there was good food and drinks and the weather couldn’t be more perfect. And last but not least: there were shared confessions, sweet words that I was surprised to hear so I must have been blind and utterly deaf for quite some time I guess… *not anymore!*

And then out of the blue things slowly start to come back and creep up on me. Why oh why do I feel the way I do, why are the effects of the past trying to catch up with me once again. I’ve heard it a few times, my friend MD told me recently, over the weekend to be exact. He said I should stop thinking/reasoning about my feelings till they’ve completely diminished and dare to feel instead. I can’t help but doing it again.

It’s fear… and I don’t have a clue why… Well I do actually. It’s fear of not being good enough and fear of being rejected. And I realise I need to work on this before things get all screwed up again. And I need to be patient, I would like to be patient… and should stop being the perfectionist. So what I’ll do is, I’ll write down what is bothering me on a piece of paper and I will burn it and bury the ashes deep deep down in the soil…

I feel vulnerable but I should know that things are good the way they are, instead of doubting all that I could ever doubt, about anything. Perhaps I see this vulnerability as some kind of weakness and since I need to be all perfect I can’t accept weakness, I need to be strong in order to survive. So the reasoning starts again because it’s so much easier to reason and make up your own logic than having to face the feelings.

I deserve something good… than why am I having such a hard time to accept things the way they are? *Looking for pen and paper*

Friends… Take Thought

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Friends, are supposed to stick around through thick and thin… Friends, are supposed to be there for you when you hang your head because things are tough… Friends, are supposed to support you when you feel lost and you’re struggling to find the path again… Friends, are supposed to show they believe in you whenever you’ve forgotten how to believe in yourself… Friends, are those who keep their promises no matter what…

Friends are not those who don’t stay in touch with you because you no longer are the warm-hearted one who lives abroad. So the novelty has worn off along with the imaginary neon hotel sign that offered a free stay including food and drinks. They’re definitely not those who owe you a large sum of money ever since you moved abroad and who are now refusing any cooperation to pay back the debt knowing you’ve been waiting for four years whilst putting your trust in them to meet the obligations.

Friends are also not those who don’t have the word ‘courtesy’ in their vocabulary, who keep making promises but never keep their word or lack the decency to even say ‘thank you’ whenever you made the effort to do something extra. Nor are friends the ones who can’t be bothered to ask how you’re doing. Or who refuse to send/reply -on a regular basis- to your emails or those who don’t show that they actually care about you and what is going on in your life by simply being interested.

I quoted in a comment not too long ago, it was part of something I read online: When people who profess to be our friends don’t behave in these ways, we feel angry and betrayed. Perhaps they were never our friends at all. Perhaps they were only out to use us. But our faulty expectations may have caused us to perceive them as being more committed to true friendship than they really were. I’m sure that is true but it can’t be that I’ve been deceived by certain friends for over 10 years right? What did I miss?

A professional said to me: why would you call a person a friend if he or she refuses to pay the money they owe you? Why are you still being nice and trying to only look at things from their perspective and not your own? And that was just one example that I’d told him about but I knew he was right. He hit the nail on the head… I’m changing: a shift in attitude and taking action, I’m tired of so-called friends. There’s one loose end still and I’m gonna get a solicitor over time to fix that, I’ve already been to one.

Don’t get me wrong… There are still a few left who do care, it’s something that doesn’t need reassurance and I treasure these few and they know this because I have told them. They have been there through thick and thin in every possible shape: a beautiful handwritten letter, a personal gift with just the right words, a phone call and/or some emails. Some from abroad some from the Lowlands. Some from people I haven’t met in real life *just yet*.

But they’re in my heart and perhaps I should tell them again how much I appreciate them!

© (?) – Thank you for being a true friend!