Tag Archives: Patience

Reflection

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Last Monday I was on the phone for two hours with my aunt in the Lowlands, she is my friend, my ‘mother’, my mirror. We always seem to have deep conversations about life and lessons to learn. That day I tried to explain to her what was going on here in London and while I was telling her about goals, dreams and realities she suddenly made me realise how much I’ve achieved over the last year. How I was thrown in at the deep end, how I nearly drowned struggling and how I slowly start to get back on my feet… I had to let go of a million things: personal things, most of my possessions and friendships, only to make room for new ones.

People tend to forget about you when you’ve left the country. Emails come in sparsely over time or even the odd reply seems to take much longer than usual. At first, friends, were a major reason for me to move back to the Lowlands if I feel I had no other option left. These days I realise it has become less important. It seems to be shifting: I couldn’t do without the friendships I have in London nor the ones online. I still value some in the Lowlands but I realise most don’t have a clue of what is going on here and it seems the interest isn’t there either. It’s life, people have their own path to follow and they’re slowly untying the relationship.

I understand because I’m in my own process of untying/tying and although I have accomplished a lot it’s odd how I still need others to remind me that I have. My aunt is a reminder and so are some of my [blog] friends. I’ve learned about different realities over the past year, my own and those of others but I’ve learned to respect one in particular. His taught me patience and gave me freedom to roam my creative realms, his made me grow and fed my hunger for knowledge. His showed me what contemplation looks like in all it’s different shades of beautiful blue. His taught me how to ignore poisonous words of others.

His gave me comfort, support and the most beautiful gift, a new reality… I have been quiet for days because I couldn’t find words to describe this feeling, I’m not even sure if I want to. Sometimes things are beyond words and don’t need to be written down to become real, I know what’s real and what isn’t. Sometimes reality stares you in the face and you suddenly become aware of it’s wonderful colours. It doesn’t blind you that particular moment because you choose and wish to see the beauty in it’s perfect reflection. It’s when you find yourself speechless, in stunned silence and almost in tears but with a huge smile on your face.

So it’s best to just be quiet and contemplate and since I love the wonderful smell of fresh baked bread in the house, I decided to bake a nice garlic and rosemary focaccia for lunch today with a plum tomato and feta omelette. Cooking is a way to relax to me and find my balance. I’m practising to get the perfect result so I can give in return one day what others gave me earlier this week, I think I came pretty close to ‘perfect’ ;)

I wish I could include aroma with a picture ;)

Garlic & rosemary focaccia with a plum tomato and feta omelette

Compassion

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Making things clear

Valid during several weeks: During this time you may be inclined to keep your opinions to yourself and not communicate them to others, even when you should. At the same time you may be more in touch with the hidden sides of your own personality, your unconscious drives and compulsions than at most other times.

The first of these two effects may be undesirable or inappropriate, but the ability to get at hidden areas of your character can be quite useful. The problem here is that you may feel that others will hold anything you say against you. And this may be true, especially if your words are motivated by petty ego concerns. But it is even more likely that what you don’t say will be held against you, so it is very important at this time to say everything that has to be said.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today: Mercury in the 12th House 12, activity period from 28 December 2007 until end of February 2008.

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I don’t know what’s wrong today, well yes I do know, I just ain’t gonna write down the details. But since it seems to be important today to make things clear I’d better give it a try. I’ll write down feelings and thoughts instead and perhaps I can come up with some answers. I feel like I lost something that was very important to me, I feel like someone punched me in my stomach, I feel powerless, I feel like I tried everything that I possibly could to help from where I am and yet I’m left with this hurt inside, feeling gutted and having lots of questions in my head.

And because of this I had a freaking headache and weird dreams all night, vivid ones, scary ones. I was trying to survive hanging from one of these propeller driven airplanes and at some point lying on one of the wings trying to hold on to anything I could grab while the plane was looping. All I could see was the pilot’s face and the horizon changing angle all the time. Seconds [or minutes or hours?] later I was trying to save a boat from sinking while a serious gale was going on. I was running around getting people off the boat and saving this little girl’s life. I can’t remember how it all ended, I guess for a reason…

At times I wish one could dose the amount of empathy one could have for a person but I guess it only becomes more and more intense if that particular person means a lot to you. I don’t think you could ever measure empathy, I know for sure *I* can’t. Perhaps I should try to change empathy into sympathy to make my own hurt go away? A while ago my dear friend and Lama told me I should hang on to one of the gifts I was given since birth because it was precious, to me and to others as well: my compassion for my own vulnerability. She told me not to let my wall take over, but try to be me and able to experience pain with someone…

She taught me a valid lesson one of many actually: someone else doesn’t need to change to make us happy, it’s all about their imperfect relationship with the nature of reality. It is either ‘compassion’ or ‘frustration’, starting with understanding your own hidden pains instead of blaming others. So I’m left wondering whether I feel frustrated or whether it is compassion. Oh I understand my own hidden pains all too well and I must admit it’s probably a combination of both and like most things in life the balance of it seems to change every minute, but right now I have been on the compassionate side for quite some time.

And I feel that no matter how much it hurts, this isn’t really about me when I let compassion speak. So perhaps I should just experience the pain for now, just sit in pain for a while, mine and the other person’s pain without moving to hide it, fade it or fix it, until I find that balance again. I’m gonna be silent for a while, so that when I’m needed I can be there in a genuine way instead of a selfish one, or when I’m no longer needed I could let go and move on. Either way, I will gain: when you have the opportunity to pluck and savor the fruits of life that come with a bit of sacrifice then I assure you, they taste sweeter than the sweetest Rambutan!

I have a few more hours to go before it’s midnight but I’ll probably be asleep, so I wish you all a grand New Year and I hope 2008 will bring everything you wish for!

© Rob Stephenson