Tag Archives: Patience

Warped Perception

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The only time where I actually feel alive is when I dare to take risks, embrace the real me and stand out in the crowd, and be the strong woman that I am!

~Zesty Gal

I wrote this ten days ago… I’m in deep thinker’s mode again and didn’t feel like writing a post at all: I just had/have too much on my mind and I needed quiet and peace. There’s a lot going on lately but it feels kinda negative in a way -although I know it isn’t- but I’m not sure if I’d like to write about it. Perhaps it’s just my own perception of things, I don’t know. And so I needed to write down the above to remind me of my quest and the core of me, Zesty Gal…

In another post I wrote that I don’t know where I’m heading, that I have no idea what I want with my life. But I do know what I want actually and in order to get there I need to take certain steps because what I want is going to take time to accomplish. It’s a long-term plan that needs nurturing each day which is the fun part because it doesn’t need to be much; an hour a day or perhaps two would be sufficient; more would be brilliant and speed things up.

I’ve been taking notes, did lots of research online, read and collected info. And the more I read, the more time I spend on this project, the more enthusiastic I feel. I’ve only told three people of my plan: their reactions were extremely positive. A few heard the non-detailed general version of the plan and immediately some attempt to slag me off and discourage me. But the harder they try the more convinced I am that this project is what I should be doing!

So I’ve set up a frame for a business plan: if I do things in a clever way I should be able to finance it all myself and wouldn’t have to apply for a loan but I still have to balance all the figures and write it down to get an overview. This is what I’m currently working on while I’m also looking for ways to have the designs produced on a small scale and keep an eye on the costs at the same time. But… like I said earlier, this is a long-term plan evolving over time…

The short-term plan however is something completely different: I’ve met up with a career coach who suggested that I should take a so-called competency test to figure out what my strong points are. I can hear you think but it’s something I like to do to: I don’t see myself sitting at a desk typing letters all day or be extremely nice to people while instead I really feel the urge to tell them to you-know-what… Although I wouldn’t say no to the job if I have to.

Truth is I need some kind of job although I have no idea what I would like to do but it should be something creative and constructive. So I haven’t put all my eggs in one basket: my approach is one from many angles with many possibilities. China is still in the picture but a dormant possibility until I hear from them again and so are other options I’ve been working on lately. October 1st, I will attend an event involving more job opportunities.

There are things in the pipeline but it all is extremely time-consuming. In the meantime I also nurse an 80 year old mother who had a malignant tumor removed last Tuesday. That involves: a complete household, cooking, cleaning, groceries plus visits to hospitals and looking after her… Not something I had in mind but I guess it’s what the Universe wants me to pay attention to until the moment things start to fall into place for me.

And I really hope that moment will come soon, patience is a trait that not many Capricorns have unfortunately…

The Week After

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This is written during a brief hiatus from blogging, when I had no internet connection for three weeks

Some things you simply can’t prepare for no matter how hard you try. It’s been almost a week now and I can’t shake this feeling of sadness. I don’t understand why but then again I do; there’s been a lot going on ever since last Saturday. All extremely emotional situations, separations, final goodbyes, tears, words spoken, truth revealed.

I should be happy but I’m not, it feels like I’m grieving but because I have no privacy I can’t really. No quiet moment because of the never-ending talking of the person I’m temporarily living with; it’s driving me insane. I have to stay patient, hold in and swallow words while all I really want is deal with things so I can let go of all these unexpected emotions…

—

There was no awkward silence during the two hours drive and the topics that were discussed during the crossing were the serious kind with a bit of humour and laughter. We both came clean about past mistakes, what went wrong, where and how. I thought he had peace with his decision that night and for the first time I was convinced it was genuine and mutual.

I wasn’t prepared for the words that were spoken the next evening when I walked him to the lorry to say goodbye. I wasn’t expecting to feel that intense sadness when I saw him cry, telling me he missed me already. I wasn’t prepared to see someone hurt the way he was. It confirmed what I’d suspected all along, that he’d been wearing a fool’s mask all this time.

I wasn’t ready to hear these words after such a long time, I wasn’t ready to have so many emotions. No matter what happened between us in the past, it’s been forgiven quite a while ago. I’m getting sick and tired of hearing all the ‘good advice’ from those around me, telling me that it’s no longer my problem and that I shouldn’t care. Because I do care… as a friend.

And perhaps I’m just sad because this is the story of my life and -once again- I’m told all those words that I’ve heard before, the moment one starts to realise that what’s been taken for granted all those years is no longer available and gone for good. I know what I have to offer, it’s just sad to see most never realised until it was too late to mend.

I think I’m gonna need and take some time and having no internet is actually quite convenient. Now all I hope for is that someone could take the hints and keep quiet instead of the relentless nonstop yakking and the constant demand for my attention. I’m in need of silence and solitude but I’ve never felt more lonely and isolated inside than over the past few days.