Tag Archives: Forgiveness

Bogged Down

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I seriously need to get stuff out of my system soon. This month is dragging me down knowing what is waiting ahead of me. All sorts of unfinished business. My contract with the government ends so I need to look for new projects. I have so much admin stuff that has built up over the last couple of weeks which needs sorting. Plus there’s some things I need to think about…

I mean really think about. I’m currently not in a happy place and trying hard to make the best of it but I’m so in need of some time off so I can work on my jewellery project. I ordered some things which came in last week but I have not had a chance to use it. Working on the jewellery is like meditation to me. And I’ve got soulsearching to do and think about forgiving someone.

I’m not sure if I can deal with this tho. I’m feeling kind of empty at the moment. Being creative and in meditational mode might help finding myself again. Although I’ve noticed that when I’m sad I can’t create stuff. I need to be happy in order to make beautiful things or come up with great ideas. I need to be inspired. Right now I’m lacking the energy because of this confrontation.

I wrote a letter to get things off my chest. I’ve asked to let me be for a while until damage is healed again and if it doesn’t heal than I’m going to draw a line. I’m getting things to change around here. I’m going to change myself and my perception. It’s once again time to do so but somehow I get bogged down by circumstances. I can’t change those but I can change myself!

Focus is all that is needed. I’m gonna do this.

It Doesn’t Sit Well…

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I had some struggles with a friend the other day and it doesn’t sit well with me… Why? Coz it’s been the second time where I felt like: what on earth is going on? What are the real reasons for biting my head off over absolutely nothing. I don’t like to be criticized while I’m doing the best I can. I don’t like being given ‘advice’ when assumptions are made without asking questions first to get the facts straight.

I don’t like someone telling me what to do without checking with me first whether I’ve tried all options or not: it clearly shows a lack of trust in me to do what is right for me which is not necessarily right for you… I definitely don’t like someone implying that I should try harder either. Don’t tell me what to do or how to feel, just don’t. I’ve become allergic to people like that ever since my previous relationship.

But all of that isn’t what is not sitting well with me, it’s the fact that I’m used as an emotional punchbag… twice now (first time Aug 2008)… I can understand emotional pressure, and I can even understand some reasons for lashing out at someone. But all I did was being nice and I didn’t deserve to be treated like that even though there might have been valid reasons. I refuse to be anyone’s emotional punchbag.

I feel it’s not right to compare problems and imply that I have no reasons to complain and be negative -which I wasn’t, I was merely stating facts after doing extensive research for months- it’s called being realistic. Everyone has his/her own cross to bear and one isn’t ‘worse’ than the other, they’re just different. It’s no point projecting your problem on others and you definitely can’t tell others how to feel.

Yes I care and empathise but I don’t like being the punchbag, it just happened one time too many… So I’ll stay in my own quiet corner of the Universe for now. All I said that day was, that after trying the best I could for months, I now wanted to live in the present not the past. I took responsibility and focused on an important job application. And because I did over the last two months, it got me where I am today.

My strength was, that I continued to fight for my goals, being realistic at the same time. Knowing what I could achieve and what I couldn’t whilst dealing with bureaucracy, rules and regulations. I don’t see anything negative in that, it got me where I wanted to be and I will continue to do so. Perhaps one day the blinkers will disappear but till then I’ll keep a certain distance because I feel it’s the best thing to do for now.

I wish you strength my friend…

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” ~Arnold Schwarzenegger