Tag Archives: Friend

The Investigator

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At times I find myself lost on the digital high way going from one place to another seamlessly for hours in a row. I’ve written in my planner that I should stop doing this because what it comes down to is that I get caught up in lots of different searches thus basically ending up wasting my time. Back in the days when I did an attempt to study (seems ages ago) the professor warned the group about this. You were only allowed to search for half an hour at the most which isn’t that much even for a ‘pro’ like myself ;) Those 30 minutes are gone in a blink.

Most of the time I’m not even searching, I’d like to call it ‘investigating’ because I’ll become curious about stuff from the past and I’ll end up looking for certain people who were once part of my life. It’s a trap and I really should stop doing this because it is pointless. What’s the use of trying to find out what happened to these people? I mean they are no longer part of my life for a very good reason so why the curiosity? I have no clue what it is that drives me to do this as it isn’t even rewarding and right after I feel guilty for wasting my precious time doing this.

The other day I ended up doing this on Farcebook when I noticed a person on another person’s list of friends and from there it went downhill. I used to work in the advertising business for quite a while, most of the people I know from that period are connections on LinkedIn but not on FB. I wouldn’t want them to be connected on FB, only those who are still friends from that period are part of my FB. But it seems to be common in this country to have everyone listed on FB inlcuding your (ex) colleagues and they all pretend to be so close-knit as well.

Am I an exception? It seems that way… Anyway, I ended up looking at a profile of this attention seeker from the advertising period. She was the kind who would go only after married men or men that were spoken for. So years later whilst looking at her profile I could only come to the same conclusion: nothing had changed. She was still the same pathetic person, a very lonely attention seeking person. Sad… No one seem to be responding to her posts from the hundreds of people only three or four left a reaction each time she posted something ‘interesting’.

In this particular case I didn’t feel guilty, I felt like my gut had been right all along. I hold no grudge against her for trying it on with my partner back then, he was on to her from the start and ignored her sad advances towards him. She went from an extremely well earning production manager to a teacher at the graphic art school. The exact same school which I attended when I moved to Amsterdam to study, ages ago. So reading this made me grin actually and far from feeling guilty. That was one case, although there were a few more that made me laugh.

But overall it still feels like I’m wasting my time on investigating don’t-need-to-know-facts… And it makes me wonder why I fall in the same monkey trap over and over again. Is it a way to procrastinate from what I really should be doing? Is it curiosity? Do I need confirmation? I have yet to find the answer but I’m sure it has to do with ‘letting go’. Perhaps I’m letting go of past hurt by visiting the ones who caused it, realising they are no longer on that pedestal where I’d left them in my mind back then. They aren’t as fantastic as they want(ed) everyone to believe.

Secretly and secretively I’m smirking and I feel good about decisions I’ve made in the past and how it all turned out, how some really seem to have gotten what they’ve deserved by their actions. I’m glad I’m not part of the huge FB family they like to pretend to have. They were colleagues, I don’t feel the need to share my inner thoughts with any of them except the ones that have become close friends. They were pretending back then, keeping up appearances, so what would be different these days? Nothing, nothing has changed as far as I can see.

Perhaps I’m just getting older and I start to see things for what they really are/were. I have a lifetime of experience, a sixth sense and an extremely good gut telling me often what I should make of things. I guess I need to investigate every now and then to chuckle intensely for a few, let go of these ghosts and move on again. I don’t feel any competition anymore nor the need to prove myself to anyone like I felt I had to back then. It is what it is and it’s good. So perhaps investigating is merely about getting a confirmation of what I’ve known all along.

The Unsent Letter

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I’ve had this odd urgent feeling for a few weeks now, telling me that I need to write a letter to get closure on some things that never had closure. I was planning on sending it but I’ve changed my mind. I don’t think it will make a difference whether I’d send it or not, the message that I’m trying to get across, that I have been trying to get across for a long long time, won’t be acknowledged. I guess I just have to learn to accept that I can’t make a blind person see if this person is not willing to open his eyes. A shame really because deep down I care and I might be even hoping still that my message will get across.

Here’s my letter:

Over the last two years people I cared about passed away. In one week I lost two uncles, half a year later my favourite aunt. I had to find out thru the announcement I received three weeks after the fact, since she only wanted her immediate family at the funeral. Not even her sister. Then there’s an ex who had a cardiac arrest and two more family members from my dad’s side. I’ve had plenty of time to think about the past and life in general. And I feel there are things which I couldn’t explain at the time that are unresolved and need closure.

Back then, you’d opened up and showed me everything that was to know about you. All the stories from your past, a gift that I still appreciate and value no matter what you might think of me nowadays. I valued each and every one of them because they were about you and I wanted to know you. The person you’d showed me in your stories and pictures was someone who stood for something, someone who had accomplished so much, someone to be proud of. Someone who wouldn’t just give up, who was happy, smiling, content.

The person I talked to daily was a different one, one I had a hard time dealing with after a while. I tried to show you a silver lining but no matter what I did I feel I couldn’t make you see and it was starting to drag me down. After a while it felt like all I could do was listen but that should’ve been balanced: I needed someone to listen too. At first I was OK with it but after some time it was mostly a one-sided conversation without really getting opportunities to participate. So I became less talkative and instead started to shut down slowly.

The person that had to make ends meet each day was someone completely different from the one in the pictures or stories. I couldn’t deal with seeing someone struggle, someone I cared about. It made me feel inadequate and I had a lot to deal with myself at the time. I was in a place where I didn’t want to be, just like you, but instead of accepting it in a way, I fought back and although it took a while I succeeded. I came out better and stronger in every way possible which is something I’m proud of to this day.

But in order to get there I had to let go of everything that was holding me back one way or another. I needed every bit of positive energy to give to myself instead of others. I owed it to myself thus I put myself first because there was no other way to do this. Some might call it egocentric, I call it survival. I finally stood up for myself and it led to where I am today. Besides of what you might think I did not throw away any gifts. Just because I had to let go doesn’t mean I would throw out something that has been that important to me.

At times I feel sad that everything I’ve tried seems unappreciated. Resentment is an emotion that keeps you in that past, like everything else did that happened to you. It’s a refusal to let go, forgive and move on or learn. It tells me that no matter what I would’ve done, it would’ve ended like this anyway. I guess that I’m mostly disappointed with myself for expecting a tiny bit of gratitude instead. Letting go of your resentments is integral to not letting your past -read your childhood- interfere with your present.

Instead of making the right choice for yourself you cripple yourself once again.