Coffee and Chocolate. Two of my favourite things, two things that could really win my affection. I couldn’t resist and had to redesign the theme of this blog. I am in need of these two things, I want them to surround me constantly on a daily basis, because they make me feel happier which is a good thing and most of all something I desperately need at the moment.
I’m okay but I had two really bad weeks where I couldn’t get anything done because of personal reasons that I wrote about somewhere in February or March this year. It’s not nice having to walk on eggshells all the time or else you’re attacked for no particular reason, since anything you say or do will be a trigger. What I find hard to understand is why it’s not dealt with, but instead taken out on me. Well, it’s dealt with but only when I point out the type of behaviour. I reckon that’s the way it is and has been for quite some time now. That’s when I start to wonder what happened to me.
I trusted the other person not to crush that part of me that was longing to be loved, be vulnerable and open, isn’t that a normal thing to expect from a relationship? Mistake. And I guess I didn’t want to see the signs and therefore have to pay for it these days by having that part of me severely crushed from time to time… So when I have a good day I try to pick up the pieces and try to find myself, the ‘me’ that is known to my friends, to those around me who respect me and accept me for who I am: the vulnerable and strong person, the surviver and fighter…
But I have trouble finding her when I’m crushed again, hurt and in need of comfort and support. Comfort and support doesn’t seem to be within reach ever since I moved country. So if I have a bad day I increase the Seratonin and Phenylethylamine levels by having some chocolate, just a bit, I know my limits. Well… at least when it comes to chocolate.
I wish things were normal again…
Tag Archives: Chocolate
Contradictions
I woke up in tears this morning because of a nightmare I had. It’s a sign to me that things are not okay, not that I don’t realise that already but it’s telling me how I deal with stress because I had the same reaction in the past. Last night I was given advice on how to move on with my life from the same person who tells me that he wants to split up. I can’t listen to this because he is the last person at the moment I would take advice from although I know he really means well. I feel like being pushed, I know I’ll get there on my own.
Basically I ended up having to defend myself about the same issues when we lived in the Lowlands and why I don’t feel like going back; jobs, social security, age discrimination [I have RSI, so I was stuck in the wonderful system of Dutch bureaucracy telling me I wasn’t allowed to do what I’ve studied for or skilled in or else they would take my insurance benefit which they took in the end anyway *sarcastic*]. In the Lowlands you’ll have to mention your DOB in your resume opposed to the UK and they’d rather hire someone young and inexperienced age 25/30 [read cheap wages] than someone with experience and age 30+/40+/50+ [read expensive wages].
In the Lowlands you need education for each and every job and the right papers if you want to make a career change you’ll have to study again, here in the UK people just switch careers like they switch lights on and off, basically even a moron can become prime minister but I reckon that’s the same in the Lowlands… I’ve made up my mind and will stay here and choose the hard way. Trying to explain this over and over again last night didn’t make things easier. I can discuss anything except this and I really don’t need to hear how to organise my life. It caused friction yesterday and he apologised. He is only trying… I know he is.
This morning after I woke up crying, I went over to my desk to start working and found this, and then I cried some more because it made me happy for a moment.
My life seems to be one big contradiction these days…
[ps I don’t have the results from the hospital back yet, probably next week]
