Tag Archives: Challenge

Society’s Restrictions

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I’m in deep thinker’s mode again lately trying to figure out what I want and where I want my life to be. To be honest: I have no idea, I’ve felt totally lost for some time already. I was thinking and trying to trace back when I started to have this feeling of uncertainty. I realised it was years ago when I was told that by law I no longer could do the work that I love so much and that I was forced to have a career change due to the results of an accident I had in combination with the perfectionist attitude which caused RSI.

This is the moment things went into too many different directions, I lost focus and I lost part of what was the creative me. I lost it because of the system in the Lowlands because of what politicians decide in The Hague. I was ‘officially approved disabled’ and if I would continue to do my work I would suffer the consequences: no compensation money. So I had to change career and became a System Operator and started an evening job teaching, passing on my knowledge to others, which I enjoyed very much.

The evening job turned into a day job and I moved away from being a Sysop because of this manager feeling threatened by the fact that a woman with a brain and looks too, knew more about technical stuff than he did. In order to satisfy his insecure machismo he felt the urge to pester me until I made a tiny mistake which -as we say in Dutch- led me to the guillotine even though I corrected it straight away he’d found something to complain about to the director who took his side so I quit the job: I have pride and dignity.

Teaching and giving support to people was a great way to stay linked to my former line of work and stay updated. I really enjoyed this work but it didn’t pay the bills and I didn’t get a well earned raise in all the five years nor extra hours and I felt extremely unappreciated and not valued by the board of directors. The reason why I stayed was because of the people I worked with, they made the job so much fun. Wonderful colleagues are priceless and some of them and some of the students are still part of my circle of friends.

Back to where I started.

I realised I never really completely let go of the work-that-I-wasn’t-suppose-to-do and because of that I became ‘unfocused’. I wanted to do what I loved most but on the side… So my CV changed and because of its diversity I’m now in a catch 22. Society needs to think in structures and grids, I no longer fit any of these structures and that’s what I have to face and deal with. I absolutely love design work but when I apply for jobs, they reject me because of the diversity of my CV and their narrow-mindedness and prejudiced views.

So I either need to focus one hundred percent on the freelance jobs or I need to start a ‘new career’ from scratch and if so… in what? I still have a Moleskine with a plan, perhaps it’s time to pick it up again, jot down more notes and make more sketches? I think I should let go of the grids from the past and start a new one and find some silly job just to pay the bills in the meantime until my Moleskine is full and I’m ready to visualise the new grid. Or until I’ll be getting more freelance work in…

Anyone needs a professional website or anyone you know? I’m really good at what I do!

Cycle Of Changes

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There will be a lot of change over the next two months and that’s why I have been quiet: I feel the need to think. I’ve been at a crossroad and this time I’ve chosen to turn right instead of full speed ahead. I have had many thoughts spread out on the floor in front of me and they all needed their place in their own tiny drawer, carefully put away after contemplation.

I’ve made a decision some time ago and I’ve come to terms with it realising that change is something that should be embraced and celebrated no matter how scary. As the perfectionist Goat I tend to label and reflect certain things as disappointments or even failure but while I was going through each and every thought in a drawer, I realised there is no such thing.

I’ve tried and I’ve succeeded in many ways, the outcome was not what I expected it to be so yes disappointment is inevitable but I should focus on what I’ve accomplished not on pointless expectations. I’ve accomplished a lot and others had to and have reminded me of that many many times when I was too stubborn and not ready to admit or see.

I’m putting things behind me and I’m moving on, the thoughts are in their drawers, secure and locked away, neatly organised as they should be. And while I was in the middle of this process, another one started months ago already. I’ve been drawing and making notes in my Moleskine, keeping an eye on the list of things-to-do, in order to reach the new exciting goal I set myself.

It’s something I will be working on for the next couple of years, a dream and reality soon. Part of it is already taking shape whilst designing for a client, important contacts have been made in the UK, another part is taking shape in my head and the main part will evolve over time. Those who know about my plans are extremely enthusiastic, guess my own enthusiasm rubs off…

Ever since I made up my mind, things seem to find me without having to make an effort. It’s almost cynical how I’ve tried for nearly three years to make something work; putting all my time into it and now that I’ve made a decision to make a fresh start again and focus on that, all struggles seem to disappear and are replaced by new opportunities and challenges.

It all feels extremely good though, scary yes… but good. So while I’m contemplating some thoughts still, I’m celebrating others and embracing the idea of change, a clean slate, a fresh start, back to the source. I’m in sync with the cycle of nature’s own dynamics of death and rebirth, winter and spring… I hope I can keep this going for a while, it’s so rewarding!

Drawers of my mind