Tag Archives: Capricorn

The Protagonist

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A previous draft:

I just realised, I’ve been writing this blog for over six years now. It started out as a place to vent using the free Blogger software. I was in a bad ‘relationship‘ at the time with an English guy who got divorced six months before we met and who didn’t have a clue what he wanted until the moment I got fed up with him and all the disappointments. When I told him I’d had enough, he all of a sudden seemed to have made up his mind. Sorry dahlin, too late to hesitate, I’ve been extremely patient for what felt like a very long ten months period…

I was reading some of my old posts and the lyrics of this song by Unkle Bob that I was playing reminded me of that situation. He had a bad temper and a short fuse, lived close to Rotterdam of all places and was not a happy character in general. I still don’t understand why I didn’t quit things sooner. I’ve asked myself that question many times and not just in this particular ‘situation’. I read this Buddha quote the other day: ‘A dog is not considered a good dog coz he’s a good barker; and a man isn’t considered a good man because he’s a good talker’.

I wanted to believe but was being manipulated by the smooth talk and that’s exactly what it was: all talk and no action. I should’ve listened to my gut feeling but then again my gut feeling told me to start writing so I had a time line to reference what was going on. Women in bad relationships unconsciously tend to make up excuses and rationalise away bad behavior of the man involved. Once out, I no longer was stuck and I started to do things I had ignored for some time, I was happy again and it showed in my creativity and my accomplishments.

These days, the more I think about options, choices, circumstances and even a quite scary abyss the more I realise I’ll have to do the exact same thing as I did back then: break free from restrictions caused by others or myself. Fear for the unknown can be paralysing and can hold you back from taking action. It’s something ‘W’ reminded me of and it got me thinking. I don’t know where all of this will take me but since I’m the protagonist of my own play, I -at the same time- have the power to turn it from a satire into a comedy…

And perhaps in the future a romance. All it takes is a bit of perseverance and Goats have plenty of that.

Amsterdamse Bos 2005

Au Contraire

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I can’t think right now, I’m kinda brain dead after an evening of confrontation. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and it doesn’t feel nice coz things get stone-cold, things like my feelings, emotions and my brain. The situation I’m in is not healthy, it wouldn’t be healthy for anyone, it’s absurd to say the least and most of all it drains me from my energy and positive thoughts that I’m trying to hold on to. That I have been trying to hold on to for quite some time now. Holding on to positive thoughts keeps me sane, it keeps me from looking over the edge and watching the abyss open up before me once again like it did tonight…

Writing helps, it puts everything in order so I can make a decision. One that will shape me again for the rest of my life, one that I’m not likely to forget. Life is never easy but I could really use a break right now, I think I’ve had enough on my plate over the last three years ever since I decided to trust and jump into the abyss. Back then it was easier, well at least I thought it was because I had a bit of support coming from someone I thought I could trust. Nine months later that trust was crushed and hasn’t changed since. I’m taking full responsibility realising that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, but at what price exactly?

I often wonder what I’m supposed to learn from this experience, it seems I’ve only been stuck in this prison while I expected to gain some freedom. Au contraire… I know I’ll survive and I know I will gain in the end, I don’t have any doubts about that but what I’m forced to face would’ve been so much easier if I wouldn’t have to face it on my own. These are the times where I miss my friends, where I could use a proper Dutch ‘koffie verkeerd‘ and the company and uplifting words of those who never have let me down in any way. There aren’t many but those that I have are close to me no matter the distance or that bit of water…

One actually sent me a letter for my birthday along with a beautiful symbolic gift and his words echo in my head ever since. It meant/means more to me than I’ll ever be able to put into words. It’s hard to have no self-doubt when everything seems to be working against you and you’re in a constant struggle with circumstances. I’m a Capricorn, I’m not complaining… just extremely aware of facts and trying hard not to lose faith, but those words came at a moment where I needed them most and it’s still something I hold on to whenever I do end up seeing everything in black which is a typical Capricorn trait that I will conquer once again.

It’s time to make a decision and come up with a plan, deep down I think I already have. Not one that is made lightly, not one that will be easy to pursue. One that will definitely get me out of balance for some time but if I was to look at the positive side of it all I would say that at least I’m happy I won’t have to sell my couch that has been in storage for some time because it doesn’t fit through these narrow Victorian front doors…