Tag Archives: Approval

Set The Bar Knee-high

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I just realised while I was pouring myself another mug of coffee, that I’m extremely good at pretending. Pretending to be a tough cookie and ignore what is really going on. I’ve heard so many times over the last four months that I should learn to cut myself some slack. Things don’t have to be perfect or flawless. I should stop pressuring myself to make no mistakes and accept something for what it is: it’s good as it is…

Example: I shouldn’t have to read a cover letter five times before sending it: my mind tells me that I might have overlooked a typo. Or I could change that one sentence and use better grammar or change the tone into something less rigid and official. I do this because it is never good enough and I could always do better than this. I set myself up for failure each time I want to make these changes so it will be perfect…

It’s not just the case with writing letters, it’s something that effects a few aspects of my life as well and I really wish to stop doing this. It takes too much time, I will never ever be perfect and I set the bar way too high. It’s one of those things that need change and that is linked to other issues as well. It’s the domino effect I mentioned in my previous post and I feel that if I start with this I might solve many others along the way…

If one has been constantly criticized by someone who was supposed to give parental love, affection, support and confidence instead, then one will see those words as true. One will look for confirmation/approval and will start to believe that that is what real love is all about. Of course history is bound to repeat itself and one will look for relationships or friendships where the other person won’t be capable of loving either.

That’s when ‘perfection’ comes in because one believes that, only when things are perfect and when one tries harder to make it perfect/flawless, one will receive love/approval. The pitfall is that it will never be good enough, there will always be criticism or sneers… It won’t end there if one doesn’t acknowledge the pattern and change it… I’ve acknowledge the pattern but I’m still working on being less strict to myself.

I’ve realised that a person doesn’t change his/her ways especially when at a certain age, when he/she refuses to take responsibility and loves to dwell on the role of being a victim, when he/she is basically motivated by fear all the time. All I can do is change my own perception and try to have compassion when the criticism starts. So I am… I’m trying to stop being the perfectionist and set the bar knee-high instead.

It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop…

Carnivorous Traps

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I’m getting sick and tired of people inviting me to join their online network, asking how I’m doing, what’s going on in my life and once they know, you never hear from them again. I was taught that communication goes both ways, so what is it about these people that they can’t be bothered to keep the lines open? I’m now at a point where I don’t care anymore.

I had sent a nice and friendly email back to this person: she invited me… an ex-colleague and in my opinion a friend but I guess it has quickly become an acquaintance overnight. It’s been days already since I sent the email so I’ll give it another week and then I’ll remove this person from my network again. I really don’t need people like that in my life.

Last week at the course the coach told me ‘you’re your own director of your life, you can shape it how you like’ and he’s right… I’ve learnt over the last couple of years that most people who I considered to be friends really were nothing but vague acquaintances. It’s a bitter pill at times when they don’t live up to my expectations of a friendship.

But this isn’t about expectations really, this is about my definition of a friendship… Since I used to be the one to put others first I’d gotten myself in a position where people would take advantage of that. The result of this is what I’m dealing with these days. Always ready to help others when they needed it but no one to be seen when I need them.

So it became very clear to me over the past two weeks that I should stop setting myself up for this carnivorous trap each time. I don’t need any confirmation of others, I don’t need to be helpful, kind, friendly in order for people to like me. I don’t need their confirmation nor approval to believe that I’m a good person because I am a good person!

And I definitely don’t feel the need to pretend to be friends on a networking site when they can’t even be bothered to reply to an email. *Ugh* Farewell to them. I’d rather give my energy to those who are part of my present! I wonder what’s wrong with these people: what happened to genuineness and why do they feel the need to be such fakes?

I’ve started to choose my friends wisely. My time is valuable so I decided to only invest it in those that are worthy of it and get rid of the ones who showed traits that I can’t agree with. No more fakes and no more traps…

© Zesty Gal – Pitcher plant, a trap for insects…

© Zesty Gal – Pitcher plant, a trap for insects…

© Zesty Gal – Pitcher plant, a trap for insects…