Category Archives: Mind Tricks

Goodbye Fear

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I never thought things would affect me this much… I had a brilliant weekend, I had the best company I could wish for, I had fun, I was happy, I was laughing lots, there was good food and drinks and the weather couldn’t be more perfect. And last but not least: there were shared confessions, sweet words that I was surprised to hear so I must have been blind and utterly deaf for quite some time I guess… *not anymore!*

And then out of the blue things slowly start to come back and creep up on me. Why oh why do I feel the way I do, why are the effects of the past trying to catch up with me once again. I’ve heard it a few times, my friend MD told me recently, over the weekend to be exact. He said I should stop thinking/reasoning about my feelings till they’ve completely diminished and dare to feel instead. I can’t help but doing it again.

It’s fear… and I don’t have a clue why… Well I do actually. It’s fear of not being good enough and fear of being rejected. And I realise I need to work on this before things get all screwed up again. And I need to be patient, I would like to be patient… and should stop being the perfectionist. So what I’ll do is, I’ll write down what is bothering me on a piece of paper and I will burn it and bury the ashes deep deep down in the soil…

I feel vulnerable but I should know that things are good the way they are, instead of doubting all that I could ever doubt, about anything. Perhaps I see this vulnerability as some kind of weakness and since I need to be all perfect I can’t accept weakness, I need to be strong in order to survive. So the reasoning starts again because it’s so much easier to reason and make up your own logic than having to face the feelings.

I deserve something good… than why am I having such a hard time to accept things the way they are? *Looking for pen and paper*

Self-reflection

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I’m currently taking a five weeks course which is extremely interesting and involves a lot of self-reflection and psychology, just my cup of tea. And it seems it’s exactly what I needed to stay sane these days: I’ve been struggling lately to keep my chin up and see the bright side of life. I’ve had too many thoughts and worries, wondering what the hell went wrong, ‘where’ and ‘when’ and mostly ‘why’. Having extreme mood swings is not helping much either, feeling on top of things one day and utterly down the next.

I’m still struggling but I’m feeling a lot better since I’ve started this course. Just hearing all the stories from other people being in the same situation is comforting. And perhaps it sounds odd but it also made me realise that no matter what the current situation is like there are always others who have a much tougher struggle than I have. Which makes me realise that I should count my blessings really. I’m not saying this to compare situations and people because they’re all unique but it does make one think…

I can be a real tough cookie: not willing to admit that I might need others to help me, not being vulnerable and least of all asking others to support me or be there for me. So I tend to try to solve things myself and be the independent strong woman that I expect myself to be. In my experience when you need someone most, they are not there for you anyway and you can not rely on them. Most of the time help comes at the most unexpected moment from someone other than the people you expect it from.

So self-reflection is liberating and it teaches me that I can feel down when I feel down, that I don’t have to be strong all the time, that I’m definitely not alone in this and not the odd one out, that I shouldn’t have to be ashamed to be in this situation, that I should try my best to survive and do whatever possible to get back on track and that there are people/strangers out there who are willing to help if I let them. I received a huge compliment the other day, yes it was very hard to accept but it was so good to hear!

There were two groups and each had to write down a quality that they’d seen in each person of the other group: how someone has been perceived. After a while each group had to give a presentation and explain why a person was given a particular quality. My quality was ‘intelligent’… I was pleasantly surprised because I often don’t give myself any credits while deep down I know exactly what qualities I have. Somehow I just always need to hear a confirmation from others before I believe it to be true.

So since Monday I can finally start to see myself in a different light, one that is less tough and less demanding… I can allow myself to believe in me and accept myself for who I am and to trust myself to have the qualities to get through a difficult time and be successful. To look at the cause and effect but to see this as a fresh start with a million of options and opportunities to choose from instead of failure. Now please… let me hold on to this feeling… I can… I know I can!