Category Archives: Mind Tricks

Disappearing Act

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Someone has done the disappearing act on me after I’d sent an email explaining my feelings. I needed a break because I had enough of people being constantly negative about anything. I’m living with someone who has an academic degree in this, without ever having to study for it, so I’m getting a daily overdose. I need positive support and feedback instead of a constant negative attitude.

It’s easy to complain about things all the time but it’s much harder trying to change whatever it is that is bothering you. It’s easy to show lack of interest in the other person’s life when your own isn’t going well for you so all you can talk about is your own issues. It’s easier to load someone else with negativism than to take responsibility and do something about it. It takes a good hard look at yourself…

In my next email I told the other person that I couldn’t deal with it anymore, that I needed to choose for ‘me’ and that I had to focus on my own problems instead of trying to deal with those of others. It’s kind of sad that the moment I set my boundaries after being there for others constantly that I’m treated like this. All I needed was to be heard, to be supported and to feel that my life was important too.

Why spend money on sending me flowers with a note telling me that you miss me, while all I really needed was a simple email asking me: how are you doing, are you ok? knowing that it wasn’t just about you for a change. Or a handwritten postcard… thát would’ve meant something to me, it would’ve shown personal effort to make it special. It really has always been about the little things in life to me…

Why spend that much money if I’m told that one can’t afford an internet connection for three months which was the only possible way of communication. Why cut that off while I could’ve shared something I don’t understand because to me the choice would be easy. I’d rather have that connection.

How hard can it be to ask questions and show some interest? How hard can it be to actually listen to someone for a change? So no… I don’t understand the disappearing act especially when I take into consideration how much time, effort, (financial!) help, support and energy I’ve devoted to this person. There are only two items that I’d like to get back, one is a photo print an original, I only had one copy.

But I guess that will end up in the bin and I will never see it again since my emails are totally ignored so I can’t communicate and talk about this like adults would… I wonder at times why I have to put up with this kind of behaviour of adults… yes fercrissakes: adults… Doesn’t sound like it, does it? So much for being grateful and showing respect, I hope he’s able to live with himself.

Set The Bar Knee-high

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I just realised while I was pouring myself another mug of coffee, that I’m extremely good at pretending. Pretending to be a tough cookie and ignore what is really going on. I’ve heard so many times over the last four months that I should learn to cut myself some slack. Things don’t have to be perfect or flawless. I should stop pressuring myself to make no mistakes and accept something for what it is: it’s good as it is…

Example: I shouldn’t have to read a cover letter five times before sending it: my mind tells me that I might have overlooked a typo. Or I could change that one sentence and use better grammar or change the tone into something less rigid and official. I do this because it is never good enough and I could always do better than this. I set myself up for failure each time I want to make these changes so it will be perfect…

It’s not just the case with writing letters, it’s something that effects a few aspects of my life as well and I really wish to stop doing this. It takes too much time, I will never ever be perfect and I set the bar way too high. It’s one of those things that need change and that is linked to other issues as well. It’s the domino effect I mentioned in my previous post and I feel that if I start with this I might solve many others along the way…

If one has been constantly criticized by someone who was supposed to give parental love, affection, support and confidence instead, then one will see those words as true. One will look for confirmation/approval and will start to believe that that is what real love is all about. Of course history is bound to repeat itself and one will look for relationships or friendships where the other person won’t be capable of loving either.

That’s when ‘perfection’ comes in because one believes that, only when things are perfect and when one tries harder to make it perfect/flawless, one will receive love/approval. The pitfall is that it will never be good enough, there will always be criticism or sneers… It won’t end there if one doesn’t acknowledge the pattern and change it… I’ve acknowledge the pattern but I’m still working on being less strict to myself.

I’ve realised that a person doesn’t change his/her ways especially when at a certain age, when he/she refuses to take responsibility and loves to dwell on the role of being a victim, when he/she is basically motivated by fear all the time. All I can do is change my own perception and try to have compassion when the criticism starts. So I am… I’m trying to stop being the perfectionist and set the bar knee-high instead.

It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop…