Author Archives: Zesty Gal

Goodbye Fear

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I never thought things would affect me this much… I had a brilliant weekend, I had the best company I could wish for, I had fun, I was happy, I was laughing lots, there was good food and drinks and the weather couldn’t be more perfect. And last but not least: there were shared confessions, sweet words that I was surprised to hear so I must have been blind and utterly deaf for quite some time I guess… *not anymore!*

And then out of the blue things slowly start to come back and creep up on me. Why oh why do I feel the way I do, why are the effects of the past trying to catch up with me once again. I’ve heard it a few times, my friend MD told me recently, over the weekend to be exact. He said I should stop thinking/reasoning about my feelings till they’ve completely diminished and dare to feel instead. I can’t help but doing it again.

It’s fear… and I don’t have a clue why… Well I do actually. It’s fear of not being good enough and fear of being rejected. And I realise I need to work on this before things get all screwed up again. And I need to be patient, I would like to be patient… and should stop being the perfectionist. So what I’ll do is, I’ll write down what is bothering me on a piece of paper and I will burn it and bury the ashes deep deep down in the soil…

I feel vulnerable but I should know that things are good the way they are, instead of doubting all that I could ever doubt, about anything. Perhaps I see this vulnerability as some kind of weakness and since I need to be all perfect I can’t accept weakness, I need to be strong in order to survive. So the reasoning starts again because it’s so much easier to reason and make up your own logic than having to face the feelings.

I deserve something good… than why am I having such a hard time to accept things the way they are? *Looking for pen and paper*

Riding The Tidal Wave

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A friend and I were discussing life in general in an email the other day and noticed that we both seem to have some kind of energy flow going on in our lives. A flow that’s rising and falling like a tidal wave, one moment it can be steady and quiet, the next it becomes this huge wave crushing everything that gets in the way.

Right now there is such an immense change going on that I can feel the energy rushing through each and every aspect of my life. It feels strange in a way, even scary at times but I’m trying to hold on to this feeling and accept it as it is. There’s no point trying to go against it -even if I wanted to- because I’d drown for sure.

I think I might have fought it if this would’ve happened a few weeks ago but I feel so ready this time that I’m allowing things to happen. Today I received a really nice email and if all goes well I might have reasons to have a celebration after the summer break. I can feel it in my gut that I’m about to get the long expected break.

Today is a happy day and I’m grateful for all the new opportunities that have been presented to me over the last two weeks. I feel that energy rushing and I’m finally ready to cling on to it and go with the flow. Change can be amazingly powerful if you let it and once you can, it comes with such a great unexpected force!

I don’t think I could ever go back to the person I was before if I wanted to, but I don’t want to. I’m happy with my newly found strength and like I mentioned in my previous post, it all started to bear fruit, in my social life and in business. It’s hard to put that kind of gratitude in words because I don’t think it could be described very well…

I’ve decided to go on a strict health regime starting this Friday when I will register at the gym. I’m planning on getting up early each morning, exercise for an hour and a half, go home and start my day properly. Since I’ve started the courses almost six weeks ago I’ve built up this daily rhythm that I’d like to continue.

Tomorrow will be my last day at the course and I will truly miss the people that I’ve met there. Twelve different people, different in age, culture and social background but each of them has taught me something that I will treasure for the rest of my life. There were serious times and there was lots of fun and laughter.

I will continue my quest though because I’ll have another three months to work on my career change and dream job while I’m being coached by a really nice woman whom I’ve met last week. More self-exploration and hopefully more insight, to discover the small steps that I’ll need to take in order to reach my goal.

I’ve also been extremely creative lately, I’ve sketched a lot and I’ve been working on my painting. I’m having a great time using acrylics and developing my own technique. I’ve been very active on FB as well but I should be careful because it can be time-consuming especially when certain friends show a special interest…

Anyway… I’m all energetic and happy so if I become quiet again on here, it’s because I’m enjoying this energy the best I can!

© (?) – Riding the wave