Monthly Archives: September 2010

It Doesn’t Sit Well…

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I had some struggles with a friend the other day and it doesn’t sit well with me… Why? Coz it’s been the second time where I felt like: what on earth is going on? What are the real reasons for biting my head off over absolutely nothing. I don’t like to be criticized while I’m doing the best I can. I don’t like being given ‘advice’ when assumptions are made without asking questions first to get the facts straight.

I don’t like someone telling me what to do without checking with me first whether I’ve tried all options or not: it clearly shows a lack of trust in me to do what is right for me which is not necessarily right for you… I definitely don’t like someone implying that I should try harder either. Don’t tell me what to do or how to feel, just don’t. I’ve become allergic to people like that ever since my previous relationship.

But all of that isn’t what is not sitting well with me, it’s the fact that I’m used as an emotional punchbag… twice now (first time Aug 2008)… I can understand emotional pressure, and I can even understand some reasons for lashing out at someone. But all I did was being nice and I didn’t deserve to be treated like that even though there might have been valid reasons. I refuse to be anyone’s emotional punchbag.

I feel it’s not right to compare problems and imply that I have no reasons to complain and be negative -which I wasn’t, I was merely stating facts after doing extensive research for months- it’s called being realistic. Everyone has his/her own cross to bear and one isn’t ‘worse’ than the other, they’re just different. It’s no point projecting your problem on others and you definitely can’t tell others how to feel.

Yes I care and empathise but I don’t like being the punchbag, it just happened one time too many… So I’ll stay in my own quiet corner of the Universe for now. All I said that day was, that after trying the best I could for months, I now wanted to live in the present not the past. I took responsibility and focused on an important job application. And because I did over the last two months, it got me where I am today.

My strength was, that I continued to fight for my goals, being realistic at the same time. Knowing what I could achieve and what I couldn’t whilst dealing with bureaucracy, rules and regulations. I don’t see anything negative in that, it got me where I wanted to be and I will continue to do so. Perhaps one day the blinkers will disappear but till then I’ll keep a certain distance because I feel it’s the best thing to do for now.

I wish you strength my friend…

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” ~Arnold Schwarzenegger

Stunned

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Something is going on lately and I can’t tell what it is… perhaps one of those tidal waves again? Or is it still the same journey? Or the fact that I can finally let go and move on after all this time? There are strange vibes in the air especially today. I’m not ignoring them but trying to figure out why they’re there bothering me… I feel sad but I don’t understand why because I have no reasons at all to feel like this, it’s ridiculous…

In fact I should be extremely and I mean extremely happy! I’ve passed the engineering and IQ tests last Wednesday while I really wasn’t expecting it. It was an hour and half of constant pressure. Pressure to deliver results within time limits of 20 to 60 seconds depending on the level of difficulty. Twenty-five questions for each of the four tests… do the math. No wonder I ended up with a freakin headache.

But there was no time to have a headache since I had to discuss the result right after with the future manager and someone from HR during a second interview. The HR person asked me how the tests went. All I could answer was that I’d never done anything like it and how tough it was. I really needed a moment to clear my head but then -to my utter surprise- he congratulated me for passing the tests.

You see, they would’ve stopped the procedure if I didn’t pass the test. Since I needed this job so badly I’d put pressure on myself, knowing that I had to deliver. The moment I had to take the tests I said to myself that I could only try my best. And failure was not going to stop me from reaching my goal. If I wouldn’t pass then it wasn’t meant to be, it’s as simple as that. I would’ve continued to look for other options.

But I don’t have to because I have this job for 99.9%… All I need to do is have a third interview with a web designer this week. Then after they will give me an offer that we’ll need to discuss and then it’s probably only a matter of waiting and signing all the papers so I can start as soon as possible. I’ve just launched myself into a career change and many future options of education and possibilities…

So then why is it that I feel sad today? Is it because I no longer have certain worries? Am I sad because I now realise what I’ve had to deal with all this time and I can let go of the tough girl? I no longer have reasons to feel ashamed, weak, trapped, stupid for making yet another mistake, for trusting the wrong kind of man again and ending up in a situation that I could’ve prevented by ‘simply’ trusting my gut feeling…

I honestly can’t tell, perhaps I’m saying goodbye to the old me… because lots and lots of changes are going on: not just job-wise but also on a personal level. It’s me that’s changing while others around me are now the ones that are stuck. I’ve called the ex the other day, he sounded depressed in a way and I realised nothing nor he had changed, he was still feeling miserable while I was moving on on all levels.

So maybe that’s what I’m feeling… the fact that some are not and are showing jealousy or indifference instead. Yes it hurts at times, therefore I have to leave old things behind: people, situations, places and memories. Leave them behind to make room for new ones, better ones, different ones. The caterpillar has shed from its skins, made a chrysalis and will now continue to grow into a beautiful butterfly…

© NASA/ESA – Nebula Butterfly