Show appreciation and gratitude for what the other does; give the positive side of the relationship more weight than the negative side; be empathetic, take the other’s perspective. A couple in which each harbours a heightened sense of what the other owes one could never shift ground by taking the other’s perspective.
But it is hard to be generous when you are deeply hurt, or terrified that what you value and once thought permanent is slipping away. Gratitude, an essential form of intimate generosity, cannot be summoned by an act of will.
A crux of romance is the wonder we have for another person, for being chosen, for being seen as significant and interesting, for being able to presume we have a companion, or just someone who is usually on our side. Love offers endless fascination, and we keep catching new instances of its gravity and comedy.
People are likely to have different temperaments, diverse opinions and mismatched desires, so the consequent damage from differences should be minimized. At the same time, a long-lasting relationship feels robust, and often invites debate and challenge and sometimes even bad behaviour, with rules negotiated only by the two players.
Times Online
The Times Literary Supplement – Social Studies
