Chantal sent me a really sweet email a while ago [in reply to the group email that I sent about the change of url] asking me if we could meet up before I would leave the country. I wasn’t sure back then if I would have time or not because of packing but over the last few weeks I found out that a nice break is a welcome thing after spending a couple of hours in total chaos.

There are boxes all over the place and at some point you are getting tired of having to look at them all the time, there is no structure anymore. Slowly but surely your life starts to fall into pieces because you are literally breaking down the structure that was there by taking stuff from their original place and put it in a box.

Your/the view of a particular room starts to change because stuff disappears. All of a sudden you start to realise how much of an impact a simple picture on the wall has if you remove it. Not just one picture but all of them slowly vanish and what is left are lonely picture hooks. Same goes for the bookcase and the books that were in there or the kitchen and all the pots, pans, storage containers and cutlery.

It’s a total change from something cosy and personal to something empty and almost dramatic. It causes the same feeling in your mind, well… it does to me. At times even despair because you have no idea what the final results will be. Of course you hope for all that is good but you can’t really be sure about that, can you? Doubts are there, always.

It leaves quite an impression and I thought it wouldn’t be that difficult. Don’t get me wrong, I do not feel negative. I don’t know how I feel to be honest, it changes all the time. If you throw out stuff that has been in your possession for years for any reason then it makes you realise certain things and at times it can be very emotional, you have to leave it behind in order to move on.

The weird thing is that I’m so positive about our relationship, I know that is not going to be a problem, if I would have had the slightest doubt I would never had made the decision to move in the first place and leave my life here behind to start all over again in the world of unknown and uncertain. I know A. will be there for me when reality hits me, I know that will happen at times.

I know I will have doubts about what I’ve done, the decision I made but that is just normal because you have to start all over again. Meeting people, getting new friends, find a job, explore the city, the country, all of that. Most of it is new and exciting and fun. But there will be loneliness too, I will miss my friends even though I have never been the type of gal who has to see her friends every week… But lucky me my friends aren’t like that either, bless them!

Cutting the ties is what I’m doing, leaving no trace behind nothing but my friends to come back for. Saying goodbye to this life and preparing for another one which is still unknown and uncertain. Most people dream about it but never come round to actually do it. I wanted to for years but never made the big decision. I always stayed for some reason, first my father, then possibly a relationship which was crap to begin with so I should’ve gone anyway.

But now all of that is secure, I feel safe enough to make the jump, the leap in the dark. I’ve met the most incredible person on this planet that I love dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with and he will be there to catch me if I fall. We are doing this together but also as two individuals. I’m not scared about that, it feels utterly secure! Still, the feelings that I’m dealing with at the moment are confusing and at times hard to understand even hard to explain on here.

So I guess going out for a drink or dinner with a very close friend, even though you realise you have a to-do-list of twenty pages is a very welcome thing to do during the period of madness. I thought at first that I wouldn’t be able to relax but I could and realised that I was also saying goodbye to them in a very personal way which is actually the best thing I could do.

Unfortunately I also noticed that some of my friends are so self-absorbed that I can’t be bothered to put any more energy into the friendship. I guess it’s time to move on and stop wasting my time on this. It’s a shame but I’ve tried my best and if it has to be one-sided most of the time then what’s the point in maintaining something that possibly isn’t there anymore?

I guess we have grown apart somehow. I’ve looked for my mistakes and sorted them out with the person but things didn’t change after that and the situation is still the same. It hurts but I guess it’s time to let go and focus on something else. Let the old things go and make room for new… It’s the best thing to do I guess, for my sake.

So I’m very happy that I met up with Chantal, we had fun and laughed about our typical Capricorn behaviour in certain situations. She told me she is also ‘always right’, a walking encyclopedia with all sorts of weird information stored in the back of the mind. We are so alike at times, we get the same reactions from people: how do you know all that?

We actually don’t know, it’s because we’ve seen, heard or read things and it’s just stuck in the brain so whenever someone pops a question we have a story to tell. I’m sure most Capricorns will tell you the same thing from their own experience, ask them and I’m sure you’ll hear the same story. It’s a goats thing I bet ya! And goats learn a lot from other goats… Which reminds me of something Chantal told me, about a tribe in Africa that practiced cannibalism, it sounded very interesting and I would like to read more about it, so will Google it later.

We had dinner at a nearby restaurant/cafe Rouleau, one that has a very very good menu. We sat outside because it was a nice day to have dinner outside, not too warm. We stayed till 23.30 and walked back to my apartment. A. wasn’t there yet, he had a BBQ party with this colleagues so I called him later to ask what time he would be home. By the sound of it, late, because he was pretty pissed

Here are a few pictures of my evening, these days I’m taking my camera at all occasions because it will probably be the last. Pathetic ain’t it? I guess it’s my way of saying goodbye to this city and my friends…