Tag Archives: Universe

Secrets of Alchemy

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I’ve done something yesterday that I wasn’t able to do in a long long time: I’ve finished a book… I know that might sound odd to some but I haven’t been able to finish a book in years. I always start reading them but I never finish. Last Friday when I was at the hospital I had to wait for an hour so I was clever this time and brought a book. I started reading this book for the third time in December last year when I had to go see the doctor for a checkup on what happened in October. Needless to say that I stopped reading again after that particular occasion until Friday last week. I remember I was at page fifty of 177 but started at page thirty again and by the time I was called in by the doctor I was at page seventy. I have to admit when the doctor called I didn’t feel like putting the book away, I wanted to continue reading and was slightly disappointed that I had to put it in my handbag where it has been hidden till last night…

Last night I decided to have an early night and read the book instead of spending a few hours playing my Sudoku game. It was a strange decision because playing a Sudoku game is a challenge to me while reading a book seemed to have lost its glam over the years and I think it has to do with me not being patient and in a way with trying to find closure. I always had endless to-do-lists and they used to stress me out, so these days I try to manage things in a better way and finish them. It’s better to finish a few than having a list of half-done unfinished projects. Reading a book would be one of them since I don’t have time to finish it within a day for instance. I would have to continue reading it for at least a few days or even weeks which would cause a possibility for procrastination hence not finishing the book at all. Which is exactly what happened all those years; there would always be a better moment or the next day…

So finishing this book was quite an achievement and I couldn’t have done it without help from someone who didn’t even realise that he has been an example to me, has been unknowingly given me the encouragement that I needed. I read about treasures, destiny, the One true love, about losing everything, about leaving the past behind and living in the moment: here and now, about giving up everything and start allover again from scratch, about the universal language and the Soul of the World, about omens, the Philosophers Stone and the Water of Life, about despair and about hope. It was the right moment to continue reading and the right evening to finish the book. It all started to make sense to me while I was able to take in each and every word, read between the lines and gather the deeper meaning and understanding of what the author was trying to tell.

I’ve been touched by this book and found my long lost hunger for words, knowledge, facts, wisdom and much needed lessons in life again. So from now on I will continue to feed the mind and soul and try to finish more books. Thank you… you know who you are!

© Zesty Gal, The Soul of the World

The Alchemist, by William Fettes Douglas 1822-1891

Believe In Me

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‘I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”. I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can sit in pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.’

~The Invitation, Oriah

Why is it that some seem to think or know what is best for me? Why can’t I get through to some that after being told for four years what to wear, how to behave, what to say and how to live my life, that by now it’s engraved in each and every braincell or neurone and I’m so freakin fed up with being told what to do. Why can’t I get through to some that I’m trying the best I possibly can and why do they need to be convinced of that, instead of trusting me to do what’s in my power? Why again do I have to answer to some because no matter what I do it never seems good enough.

I do not need advice. I never asked for advice and if I would be needing it I definitely would start the sentence with: ‘could I ask you something…’ or ‘mind giving me your opinion’. At times I just need to vent and let go of something that is bothering me. Why can’t I get a chance to do so without some thinking that I expect them to ‘solve’ my problems. I don’t need fixing, I’m perfectly capable of cleaning up my own mess, thank you. I’m busy cleaning up the mess, but some stains are burnt on and have had four extremely long years to leave a very thick intense black mark.

Those particular stains need a bit more time to be removed but if I’m not careful they could leave a lot of damage, not mentioning the damage that’s already been done. So I’m trying it the patient and slow way; layer by layer. Every day a tiny bit until one day there is nothing left of that stain. I don’t need you to crush something that is still so fragile it could easily break and crumble into dust in a fraction. I need you to help me protect, nurture and make it grow stronger again. Just accept me for who I am, accepting myself again is hard enough already. I don’t need you to make it harder for me, that is exactly what I’m trying to get away from after four years.

Please just accept the situation and facts as they are, coz I certainly have! Which doesn’t mean that I’m sitting here doing nothing about them. If you would know my intentions, know my spirit, you would be able to trust me and believe in me, trust the fact that I’m trying all the possible cleaning agents and surface treatments, one by one until all the stains have been gone and the surface is shiny again. Until then all I wish for is some mental support and encouragement. I need you to believe in me and show faith in me. Is it really that hard to just give a hug or tell me that I’ve done well? Put an arm around me and be silent for a few and allow me to express my pain and just listen? Isn’t that what love and/or friendship is about?

[I’ll be taking a break to reflect, words seem to be causing nothing but trouble these days so I’m giving up: better be quiet. I wrote this because I’m upset and hurt after having to make people aware several times today and yesterday, that I’m doing the best I can. I realised that it might be for the best not to mention things anymore to those close to me: loved ones, friends and family. From now on I will say ‘I’m fine’ and leave it at that… I hate to lie but I’m forced to. There’s too much of a distance to bridge the gap between their reality and mine and although I realise they mean well, they don’t seem to understand that, that is the last thing I need at the moment. I’m ‘forced’ to say less and less in order to get what I truly need from them: peace of mind, encouragement and something that is probably wishful thinking: faith in me…

After all: only Faith can move mountains, so why is it that I seem to be the only one realising this?]

To reflect on matters, solitude might be best at times… Picture by R. Bobrow ©